Time off.

Do you ever do something and as you're doing it, or after maybe, you realize just how badly you needed it?

That's how I feel right now.

We've officially been in Minnesota for 1 week, and it has been 1 week of pure bliss.  Lots of family time, lots of games, and lots of traditional Christmas things.  S and I have been hitting up the Mall of America, baking and decorating cookies, and building gingerbread houses.  We still have some Christmas shopping to get done, but we haven't been concerned about the time crunch we're under, clearly ;)

Something this week hasn't included though has been all things infertility related.

No appointments.  No medications.  No schedule.

You don't realize how daunting all of it can be until you suddenly aren't doing it anymore.  Not feeling bound by those things is so freeing.  I said it in my last post and I'll say it again, I know that in the world of infertility, heck, even under completely normal conditions, 2 months of "trying" is nothing.  That's just the beginning in most cases.  But sometimes it's hard to remember that.  It's hard to think that it's really only been 2 months since my miscarriage was 14 months ago.  It's hard to remember that God's plan is greater than my own.  It's just really hard.

But.

This week has been free of all of it!  And it's good.  So, so good.

Yesterday I did have myself a nice little pity party though.  My parents, S, and I went down to my grandparents house to see some family that we hadn't seen in a long time, too long!  As everyone sat around talking about their kids and babies and jobs, I just got to thinking how pathetic my life really is.  Most of the time I'm ok with not having a teaching job.  Most of the time I'm ok with not having kids that are toddlers already.  Most of the time I'm ok with not having a baby or being pregnant, but yesterday?  I just felt... pathetic.  Like what am I doing with my life??  It's been something I've struggled with for a little while now really.  I realize now that it's fine though.  Life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to or think it will.  Sometimes life takes us to unexpected places.  

On the other hand,

I do have my photography.
I do have a husband that comes home to me every, some, most nights.
I do have a house I can tend to and a sweet pup to love on.  
I do have a baby to {hopefully} prepare my body and house for in the coming... year(s)?

I don't know what this coming year will bring, but I do know that right now, right here, I needed this time away.  I didn't realized it until it was already underway, but this month off is truly the perfect way to end 2014.  So I'm thanking God for these moments.  The moments I didn't expect, the moments I didn't know I needed, but so desperately truly needed.        

What's next?

It's now been one week since I found out our second Letrozole cycle had failed.  I've had a lot of questions swirling around in my head since then, but I really haven't focused on them too much.  I've been home in MN, so I've really just been soaking up all the family time I can and trying not to dwell on unhappy thoughts for now.

But, for the moment, the house is quiet, S is at the gym, and it's given me some time to really think and process.  Which brings me to this...

What's next?

I realize that in the world of infertility, two failed cycles is nothing.  Really, really nothing.  It's not necessarily the two failed cycles that's getting to me, it's that I got pregnant so easily last time.  Right after S came home from deployment actually.  Just a few weeks after his homecoming I found out, so it's hitting me a little hard that there seems to be such a struggle in this.  It's not that I didn't expect it, it's just I had hoped it wouldn't happen.

But, that hasn't been the case, at least thus far.  So what is next?  For now, nothing.  December is just an infertility, medication, shot, dr appt free month.  So far, I'm loving it!  It's been so great not to feel bound by taking medications or shots or dr's appts.  It's been nice to have to think about it at all.  I'm able to enjoy, truly enjoy, every second that I'm home with my family without the side effects or schedule of the medications.  It's just really good.    

For the longest time I had said that if this last cycle failed, December would be a break, since we were traveling, and in January we would do an iui.  S will be away doing training, so we'd freeze his sperm prior to his leaving and I'd go through the process without him.

Now I'm rethinking that.

For the last several months my gym time has been lacking.  When I go to the gym, I like to get a good, quality workout in, but thanks to surgeries and medications and side effects of said medications, that just hasn't happened.  This week though, I've been taking full advantage of not being on any meds and spending a lot of time in the gym.  I won't blame my meds 100% for any weight gain I've had, but they've certainly played a role in it.  The other day S and I talked about not doing an iui in January and really focusing on getting healthy again.  No meds, no foreign things in my body, more time in the gym, and healthy eating.  Last October when I found out I was pregnant, it was a time in my life that I was the most healthy I've been in a long while.  What does a wife do for months on end waiting for her husband to get back from Afghanistan after all?  Workout.  Lots of working out.  I don't think it's a coincidence that I got pregnant then and haven't since.  So, maybe two months of health are what the dr {hasn't} called for.  At the very least it can't hurt, right?

No plans are set in stone, and as anyone in the infertility world knows, plans can go just as fast as they came, but for now at least, I think this is the direction we'll go in.  It terrifies me a little bit with the possibility of a deployment looming, but I can't stress about it.  I know that God is bigger than any plans I have or S has or anyone has really, so the best I can do is just continue to pray and know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.    

Cycle 2 results.

The life of the infertile is not easy.  Not easy at all.

Just when I think I've got this, I've got my feelings, my emotions, my life, under control, something comes and knocks me off my feet.

Is life ever easy though?  I doubt it.  If it is, I have yet to experience that.  And if it isn't, just isn't ever easy at any point, well, then that kinda stinks.  But I suppose we'll all just keep trucking along.  Yes?

Anyways.

I got the dreaded call today.

Still?
Again?

I don't know anymore.

My heart hurts.  My mind hurts.  Everything just kind of hurts.  Not like a physical hurt, but more of an ache I guess.  An ache for something I want so badly but keep not getting.  Month after month after month.

The thing is, as much as my heart hurts, I still just have so much faith.  Faith that something, anything, is going to work.  That eventually, eventually, I will get to hold a sweet baby, my own baby, in my arms.  That the pain will go away.  That the hurt will go away.  That the ache will go away.

Will it?  Will it go away?  God, please.  I hope so.  I pray so.

Even in the midst of this hurt, this ache, I just so badly want my story, this whole journey, to bring glory to God.  I am constantly reminded of God's faithfulness, and that faithfulness hasn't gone away just because I didn't get the news I wanted.  I know that despite the tears that fall, God is right there saying, "I understand.  I understand your hurt.  I'm going to make it better."

Some of you might call me crazy.  Why, after all of this, after all the pain and hurt, why would I keep trusting in a God that hasn't given me what I wanted?  It's so simple though.  It's not about what I want.  It's about what God wants for me.  I know I'm going to have a baby.  I just know it.  Someday, someway, I'm going to.  And until then, I'm just going to keep trusting that God has my best future in store.  That the best days are yet to come.

And that maybe, just maybe, life might {easy} one day.

   

The new and improved: Infertile Faith

I've been asked a few times now if I deleted my blog or where it went.  Honestly the question kind of stuns me.  I'm just so surprised that 1. people actually read my blog, and 2. like it enough to ask what happened to it.  It's so sweet, and makes me realize over and over again how it's not just S and me that are going through this journey.  It's everyone that has read any blog post I've written over the last year.  It makes it feel less lonely.

Anyways, that leads me to this post.

No, I did not delete my blog.  It just got a little facelift, including a name change.

When I very first started my blog, the name My Heart to His Boots was fitting.  It was all about our life with the Army, mostly deployment at the time.  But then I had the miscarriage and things shifted for army life to infertility life.  Along the way, I've dealt with a lot of questioning, a lot of tears, a lot of hurt, and eventually, hope and joy and a stronger faith.  Hence the name, Infertile Faith.

The definition of infertile is not able to reproduce; not fertile or productive.  That is so the opposite of what I want for my faith, especially in this journey.  Some days, the best I can do is let the tears fall and say, "Please help me, Jesus.  Please get me through this."  But the longer this journey has gone, the more I've realized my complete dependance on God.  The need to breathe Him in every second of every day.  To have a faith that is opposite of not being able to reproduce or be productive.  Even in the hard times, I want a faith that reproduces, that is productive, even if in the smallest of ways.

But can I just be honest?  That doesn't always happen.  I don't always have a faith that reproduces or is productive.  Sometimes, my faith is infertile.  Sometimes, it has nothing to give.  Sometimes it just can't.

I'm working on it though.  Every day, every hour, every minute, I'm working on it.  I'm working on having a faith that is fertile rather than infertile, just like I'm working to have a body that is fertile rather than infertile.  But my faith comes first.  Because without a fertile faith, there's no point to having a fertile body.

Why... why... why.

Do you ever just ask yourself why?

Why can't I get a job?
Why can't I get the job I want?
Why don't I have a husband?
Why do I have to go through this?
Why...  Why...

Why.

I try not to question why I go through things in my life.  But sometimes it's hard.  Really hard.  Can I get an amen?  Or a head nod or something at least?

I've said one too many times to Sean, my mom, heck, almost anyone that I've ever talked to, "This isn't fair.  Why do I have to go through this?"

But wouldn't you know it, I was watching another sermon by Steven Furtick and something really hit home for me.

"God allows us to be afflicted with the very thing we are called to heal, otherwise we'd be arrogant."

-Steven Furtick-

I've toyed with this idea in my own life for a little while.  Maybe the reason I have to go through this is to be an encouragement, a help, to someone else.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm not going through this only for me but possibly for someone else as well.

The number of people that I've had reach out to me since I started this journey is sometimes overwhelming.  People telling me that they're going through the same thing, that they get it.  People telling me they've suffered a miscarriage and wondering how I got through it.  People telling me they're just beginning their journey with infertility and wanting to thank me for sharing my story.

Wow.

People all over the place, people I haven't talked to in awhile, sometimes even years, reaching out to me.  Me!  So maybe I'm going through this for them.

Can I be honest for a second?  Like really, really honest?  I never really knew much about miscarriages, infertility, or the struggle so many people face to have a child of their own.  I never knew.  I never knew the burdens, the fears, the pains, the tears, the worries.  I never knew.  I never thought about it.  I never prayed for those people.  I never prayed them through the burdens, the fears, the pains, the tears, or the worries.  I wasn't empathetic to their losses.  I was empathetic to their situations.  I just wasn't.

But now?  Now I get it.  I really, really get it.  Now when someone comes to me and says,

"I'm starting my journey."
"I'm going through this as well."
"I just lost a baby."

I completely get it.

I can think about them.  I can pray for them.  I can pray them through their burdens, fears, pains, tears, and worries.  I can not only get it, but understand it.  I know where they've been.  I know all those feelings.  I know.

Maybe that's the reason I'm going through this.  Or at least part of the reason.  Maybe it's not for myself but for others.  

Expecting bad news

Totally random, completely out of the blue side note: sometimes I wish I was from the south.  They get to say y'all without sounding stupid.  It's so much easier to say y'all than you guys, which is of course what I say.  I'm Minnesotan to the core.

Anyways.

Ever since my failed 1st cycle, I've had a hard time being excited or hopeful about this 2nd cycle.  I was so hopeful the 1st one.  Overly hopeful maybe.  I was excited, I was ready, I was in a really good place.  Since then I've felt all of that slipping away slowly.  When I started my medications, I wasn't excited.  When I did my trigger shot, I didn't feel anything.  I had pretty much given up before I even started.

I've just been in a really weird place.

Today I sat down and was listening to the 3rd sermon in the series How to be Brave by Steven Furtick.  If you haven't caught on yet, I kinda love his sermons.  Every.Single.One.  They always seem to speak straight to my heart, to hit the nail right on the head of what it is I'm going through.

Today was, of course, no different.

I needed today.  I needed the message.  I needed the encouragement, the reminder to not give up, no matter what.

This was what really got my attention.

"They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them." 

-Psalm 112:7-

It was at this moment that I knew this sermon was meant for me.

The whole point, or at least the point I got, was that sometimes we get bad news.  Sometimes we get news we don't want.  Sometimes, life just kinda sucks.  But it's how we respond to that news that matters.  Do we let it drown us or do we keep our heads above the water despite our circumstances?  Do we experience reality or do we experience our perspective of reality?  Do we let our fear overwhelm us or do we find hope in our situations?

I went into the cycle expecting bad news.  I've lived every day as if in a few weeks, I will get bad news.  I quit before I even started.  And yet, since the beginning of this blog, I've talked over and over again about my faith.  How God has a plan.  How it's a good plan.  How I'll be ok no matter what.  When did that change?  When did I stop seeing the good instead of the bad?  When did I choose to give up?

What really blows my mind is that I waited for so long to get to this point.  To the point that we're even able to try for a baby.  But after just 1 failed cycle, I gave up.  WHAT!  Why?!  Did I really lose faith that easily?  Did I really count us out after 1 cycle.  1 cycle!

In the sermon, he talked about a reporter they had doing a story on their church.  He was asked to answer some questions from the reporter, but after talking with a friend, the friend said not to waste his time, that the story was already written.

Isn't that the same with life?

My story has already been written.  Whether I stress, worry, fear, cry, give up, lose hope, whatever, over this cycle, or any other cycle, my story is already written.

"My story is already written based on what I believe about the nature of God and His disposition towards me."

-Steven Furtick-

What I believe about the nature of God?  He's a good God.  He's an all powerful, loving, gracious God.  He's a giving God.  He's the ultimate physician, the ultimate healer.
What I believe about the disposition of God towards me?  He loves me.  He wants good things for me.  He wants me to find joy and happiness in all things.

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know what this cycle will bring.  But I'm good with that.  Again.  I'm re-believing that no matter what news may come, good or bad, God will care for me.  He will see me through this.  My story is already written, and I plan to live it out the best way possible.

Cycle 2

Well, cycle 2 is officially underway.  Yesterday I had an appt, and at the end I started asking all sorts of questions.

We're going out of town, what do we do?
What if this doesn't work?
What happens next cycle?
What about January when my husband is gone?
What...
Why...
How...
When...

You think it, I asked it.

I pretty much realized that I had already marked this cycle as a big fat X before it even had a chance to be a +.  I think I'm doing it to avoid any heartache.  It's hard to want something so badly it hurts only to not get it over.  And over.  And over.

I'm trying though.  I'm trying to think positive thoughts and be excited and hope for the best.  I'm trying to remember that God has a plan.  I'm trying to remember that someday, sometime, it will happen.  And it will be good.  And it will be in His absolute perfect timing.  I'm trying.

But it's hard.

Somebody tell me you get it, you understand what I'm saying.

But today is a new day.  And thankfully, this day started out AMAZING!  I'm not going to share why quite yet, but today is good.  Really, really good!

So instead of focusing on what might not happen, I'm choosing to focus on all the good things.  I'm choosing to remember all the things I have been blessed with and all the things I have to be thankful for.  I'm choosing joy instead of sorrow.  I'm choosing happiness instead of frustration.  I'm choosing hope instead of fear.  I'm choosing life instead of sadness.  I'm choosing the truth of Jesus instead of the lies of Satan.  

Today is a new day.  And it's a good one.

 

Feeling blah.

Do you ever those days where life just seems kind of daunting?

Maybe it's the weather.  Maybe it's having been stuck inside for several days now.  Maybe it's that I'm always doped up on some kind of medicine.  Maybe it's just that I so badly want to be home, MN home, now instead of in a month from now.  Whatever it is, I'm just feeling kind of blah.

I'm sure someone out there can relate.

I'm feeling frustrated that a girl can punch me in the face and suffer no consequence.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with the possibility of moving in the next year.
I'm feeling scared, nervous, worried, scarednervousworried about the options that have been presented for said move.
And to say that I'm feeling overwhelmed by doing fertility treatments month after month after month would be an understatement.

I just want a baby so badly.  I just want to not have to worry about it anymore.  I just want to feel like a normal person.  I want to feel like my body isn't disappointing me.  I want to feel like I'm not disappointing my husband.

Those are the things you don't think about or know about when you start fertility treatments.  Something that is so natural, so normal, is completely foreign to your own body.  Pregnancy goes back to the beginning of time.  If there's anything in the world that is normal, it's pregnancy.  So why can't it happen for me?  Why is it so easy for everyone else, but just not for me?  Why.  Why.  Why.

Sometimes I sit and think about this.  I try not to.  I try so desperately to just trust and believe that there is a plan, that God has a plan.  I know it's true.  I know He does.  But still.  I'd love to know why.

The thing is though, so many blessings have come out of this journey.  I can't begin to tell you the number of people I've had reach out to me and say, "I get it.  I know what you're going through.  I'm there, I'm going through it too."  It hurts my heart every time.  I don't want anyone else to know this pain.  I don't want anyone else to know this hurt and this heartache.  But each time I also get the, "You've been such an encouragement to me.  Your strength is incredible."

Maybe that's the reason I have to go through this.  Maybe it's simply about giving encouragement to someone else.  Maybe it's to understand what someone else is going through when so many others can't.

Whatever the reason, I just need to be ok with it.  And I am.  It probably doesn't seem like it, but I am.  Everyone has a burden they must bear, this is mine.  I've been given it for a reason.  So as much as it hurts my heart, and I struggle, and I cry, and I wish I didn't have to go through this anymore... I will.  I will everyday, because I know that God's plan is so much greater than mine, and someday, please God someday, I know this will be worth it.  It just has to be.  

Crazy lady and snow

Boy has it been an interesting few days, or week I guess I should say.

Let's just back it up to last Wednesday.  Beta test (aka pregnancy test) day.

After I got the call from the nurse saying my test was negative, I was in a pretty foul mood.  I was irritable.  I was sad.  I was just overall grumpy.

Luckily, I have an amazing husband.  He can always make me laugh, no matter what kind of mood I'm in.  Later that night, I was feeling a lot better.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last long.  S and I needed to run to Walmart, and somewhere in the mile from Walmart to our house, a crazy lady found the need to further ruin my day.

Here's the short version:

1. Crazy lady thinks S is tailgating her.
2. Crazy lady slams on her brakes and swerves into the middle of the road to prevent us from going around her.
2. We park in our spot in front of our house.
3. Crazy lady follows us and comes within an inch of hitting our car.
5. I say, "What is wrong with you!!"
6. Crazy lady punches me.

I think that about sums it up.  Like I said, CRAZY lady.

Immediately after it happened and the next morning.  

  

At first, I just had a cut and giant nose.  Little did I know, I would get even prettier -_- 

A few days later, I developed this awesome bruising.  Pretty, right?! 

Thankfully, the bruising is finally starting to go away, as are the headaches.  My nose is still pretty tender as well as my teeth, but other than that, things seems to be healing quite nicely.  I'm just incredibly thankful that my nose wasn't broken, although seeing her go to jail on an assault charge would have been nice.  

Since then, I've been trying to get my medications for cycle 2 ordered, which has proven to be no easy task.  Though I can't say I'm surprised as cycle 1 was incredibly difficult.  Things seem to be moving in the right direction though, so I'm sure it will all work out!

Other than that, S and I spent our day completely snowed in.  Hailey is loving it, though I can't say the same for her poor paws.  I think I just might get her some doggy shoes this year :)

So there you have it.

Not pregnant.
Get punched.
Get snowed in.

Boy, oh boy, is it December yet?  I sure am ready to spend some much needed time in Minnesota with my family!

Cycle 1 results?

The last two weeks, or two week wait as it's commonly referred to, have been a complete roller coaster.  This cycle of trying was so very different than previous ones.  I was in a better mind set.  I was hopeful.  I was encouraged.  Overall, I just felt good.  That was a feeling I hadn't had in awhile, so it was very welcomed.

Today, that roller coaster came crashing down.

First cycle=failure.

The thing is, I expected it.  I knew.  But it still hurts.  My heart still feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces.  I feel that undercurrent of hopelessness and defeatedness (not a word, I know) creeping in.  I already feel the months slipping away.  I feel a looming future that is not in our favor.  I feel the disappointment greater than ever.

I know it's only month 1.  I know it takes time.  I know it can still happen.  I know it all.  Unfortunately, my heart isn't getting that message.

What makes it even worse is when the nurse who calls to deliver the devastation says, "If it hasn't happened on its own, it probably won't."  Meaning... fork over the money, and quickly.  Meaning, you're just delaying the inevitable.  Meaning, you're wasting months of trying when it won't happen anyways.

And that, my friends, is when the tears really started flowing.  I imagined myself being ok with this.  Ok with knowing that this is all in God's timing.  Ok with knowing that at month one, even under the greatest of circumstances, it often doesn't happen right away.

But still.

I let that teeny, tiny part of me, the smallest part that you could ever imagine, believe that this might work.  It.Just.Might.Work.  And yet it didn't.  It just didn't.

Today though, despite my million piece shattered heart, and greater than I imagined disappointment, I'm choosing to be thankful and joyful.  I'm choosing to rest in the fact that despite everything that is working against us, God does have a plan.  I'm choosing to believe that at some point in time, I will be here announcing the greatest blessing that I will have ever been given.

We'll see.

Right this second though?  I'm going to curl up with my sweet Hailey girl and let the tears fall until there are no more.    

48 hours post trigger

We are roughly 48 hours post trigger shot.  My stomach is still pretty sore, which I've been surprised about.  As much research as I've done about it, and trust me, it's been extensive, having soreness wasn't something I came across.  It's nothing that isn't manageable, but I'm still thankful I only have to do that once a month.  

I've been asked by quite a few different people if I'm doing any of the typical "ttc methods" now that we're officially trying again.  These things would include things like temping, testing out the trigger shot, keeping track of ovulation, etc. etc. etc.  The short answer is, no.  It's been a long journey to get to this point where a pregnancy is even possible, and even now, it's dictated by a lot of things.  Blood work, ultrasounds, follicle growth, shots, pills, and so on.  All of these things have great potential to take the fun out of the process.  That is not something I want for me or for S and me as a couple.  While I recognize those things definitely can be helpful and, sure, they have their place, it's just not for me.  Not right now anyways.

So, what am I spending my time doing instead?

Some of this.

And some of this.

I recognize that this cycle may not end the way I want, which would obviously be with a pregnancy.  I recognize that the next 3, 4, 5 cycles may not end the way I want.  Yes, my dr. knows what he's doing, and yes, the shot and medications are certainly things that are being used to encourage a pregnancy, but at the end of the day, I still have endometriosis.  I still suffer from infertility the same way I have over the last year.  But I also still serve a great and mighty God that, if He can heal the lame and make the blind see, He certainly can overcome my endo.   

Please don't mistake the above as negativity or doubting that it can or will happen.  I just feel so content with whatever the outcome may be, that I'm ok saying it may not happen on the first try, but obviously that's my hope.  

So for now, instead of doing some or all of the common "ttc methods," I'm looking at announcements and nurseries and ways to document a pregnancy and teeny tiny baby clothes and ways to incorporate the "rainbow baby" theme and all things that any normal person would be doing if they're hoping to have a baby.  I'm trusting that at some point, whether that's this month or next or next year, I will be able to announce a pregnancy and buy teeny tiny baby clothes and get some use out of many, many "pins" I have on Pinterest.  

I'm also making time each day to get some exercise in.  For awhile, I was really getting into running again, but now, I'm doing everything I can to encourage and aid in a pregnancy.  For me, this means walking and lifting weights.  I'm also soaking up these last few days of semi-nice weather before winter is here and our walks become shorter and less frequent.

Anyways, happy almost weekend! 

Yesterday I let my husband stab me.

Yesterday I let my husband stab me.

Ok, well it was only with a 1, maybe 1 1/2 inch needle, but still.  I'm not a fan of needles.  Never have been, and I'm honestly not sure I ever will be.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would be giving myself (or having someone other than a nurse give me) a shot, in my own home for the sake of having a baby, I probably would have said you were crazy.  But that's where we're at anyways.

Last Saturday I took my last two pills of Letrozole and had an u/s and blood work yesterday to find out if we could go ahead with the trigger shot.  I tried not to think too much about what the results might be.  I could think of all sorts of things to go wrong, but I just didn't want to go there.  We got great news!  For the 3rd u/s in a row, I haven't had any cysts present.  This is awesome considering every one up until my surgery always showed one.  And secondly I had two good looking follicles.  In a normal person, having only 2 follicles wouldn't be good, but with the Letrozole, the purpose is quality, not quantity.  So I had 1 good sized follicle that was already ovulating on its own, and then 1 really good follicle that I would be able to trigger.

To say that I was nervous about letting my husband poke me with a needle would be a severe understatement.  But he did great!  I wouldn't say he's exactly known for being serious, but this, he took seriously, which you can clearly see in his face ;)

It didn't hurt at all, but there was a pretty intense stinging for about 10 seconds afterwards.  It wasn't until a few hours later that I really noticed how sore it was, and today it's still pretty sore.  I'm thankful it wasn't too bad, but I'm also thankful I only have to do that once a month!

So now, we wait.  Well, I think you know what we do in the mean time, but other than that, we wait ;)

The interesting thing with infertility and ttc (trying to conceive) is that everything is done so much differently.  In a normal person, and I say normal as in the able to get pregnant on their own kinda way, they would probably take a home pregnancy test after missing a period and then have it confirmed by an hcg/beta test.  In someone with fertility issues, our pregnancy tests are scheduled in advance before you even have a chance of becoming pregnant!  When the nurse yesterday told me what day I would need to have my beta test, I had a tiny moment of freaking out.  It made everything seem more real.  And then the inner questions and doubting started regarding a phone call that won't be made for several weeks still!

What if it doesn't work?
What if it never works?
What if I'm not pregnant?
What if I still can't get pregnant?

And that list goes on and on and on.  I quickly decided that I couldn't think about it.  No matter what the outcome of that phone call is, I will still be thankful.  It's been a long 7 month, 2 surgery, countless needles and pokes, tons of medications, road to even get to this point.  The point that pregnancy is once again a real possibility.  So even if in a few weeks it turns out that I'm not pregnant, I'm ok with that.  I've really, truly, reached the point where I'm content with where we're at and each season we're in.  We're finally back in the 'trying' season again, and that's so exciting, but each season has a purpose, so whatever the outcome, I'll be good.  Disappointed?  Probably.  But still good.

I know that God's plan is so much greater than my own, even if I may not always understand it.  Just like with everything else in this journey though, I'm leaving this new season of trying completely in His hands!

But I wouldn't say no to anyone that wants to pray for a positive test anyways ;)

Goodbye, Baby Seidler

I wanted to write this yesterday.  I had every intention of doing it.  I don't know if I didn't have time or just didn't have the heart, but either way, it obviously didn't happen.

Yesterday marked 1 year since we lost our sweet growing babe.  Today is one year and one day.  Tomorrow will be one year and two days.  And so on.

That's how it goes really.  Just taking every day one at a time.  Most days are fine.  Good, really.  Some days are hard.  And every one in a blue moon, I have days where I just don't know how to get through it.

When you have a miscarriage, nobody tells you that a year and one day after, you'll still feel those raw emotions like you did when you found out your baby was gone.  Nobody tells you you'll have you take it day by day, and maybe someday, it won't hurt so much anymore.  Nobody tells you that life continues, and people move on, and meanwhile, you sit here counting the days, the months, that have passed by.  These are the things nobody tells you.

I can still remember exactly what it felt like to be sitting in the ER, laughing and talking with S like my whole world wasn't about to change.  I remember exactly what it felt like the moment the nurse, ever so casually, said, "Your uterus is empty."  I remember the shock, the anger, and the overwhelming sadness that went through me in that single second.  I remember it all.

Leaving the hospital, completely numb, I wanted nothing more than to have it be a joke.  A bad dream I would wake up from only to realize my baby was still there.  But it wasn't.  It was gone.

I would never hear it's heartbeat.
I would never see it's tiny eyes looking up at me.
I would never see it's first smile, even if it would just be from gas.
I would never get to watch it learn to play and go to school and make friends and get married and have its own kids or any of the things that normal kids get to do.

I miss that baby every day.  Or I at least miss what it would have been.

But today is a new day.  It is day 365 + 1.  Tomorrow will be 365 + 2.  And so on.  And that's how I will continue on with life.  Taking each day one at a time, until the days run together, until the months turn into years, until the pain of that day is just a dull presence somewhere in the back of my mind.

Goodbye, Baby Seidler.  I miss you more than you know.

The time is finally here!

Today is a good day.  I feel positive.  I feel hopeful.  I feel encouraged.  I feel excited.

It's been a long time since I felt all of those things all at once.  A.Really.Long.Time.

After my d&c last Friday, I felt pretty discouraged.  The doctor that performed my procedure had recommended waiting until my next cycle started to begin with the Letrozole (femara).  I was confused.  I was frustrated.  And honestly, I was a little angry.  Why was I putting my body through this if in the end I was having to wait for another month anyways?  Why not just give me the Provera and get on with it?

So yesterday morning, bright and early, I had a phone appt with my regular doctor to talk with him.  At first he also said that I would wait until my next cycle started.  Ugh.  But after some chatting, he said I could go in for an ultrasound and blood work to see if I could start everything now instead.  Just 6 hours later I was in the car and on the way to his office.

Everything on the ultrasound looked good.  Yay!
"I'll call with the results from the lab later today," said the nurse.

Whoops.  The lab is closed.

Great.

So I impatiently waited for the call this morning to find out what the verdict would be.

Everything came back good.  Finally, finally, finally I can start my medications!

God's timing is funny, don't you think?

One year ago, almost exactly, I lost my sweet baby.  And here I am now just starting the process over again.  Actually, for the first time ever, I can officially say we are trying for a baby.  I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks after S came home from deployment last year, and at the time I was just so excited to have him home, a baby wasn't really on the brain.  So now we're back at square 1 again.  And for the first time in a long time, that feels good.

I don't know what I expect in the coming months.  I'm trying not to expect much really.  I am trying to be hopeful without getting my hopes up.  I'm trying to remain positive without being positive about what will happen.  I'm trying to stay realistic while knowing that God is an amazing God that can overcome any issues I have had being able to conceive.

And for the first time since March when I made my first appt with the fertility clinic, it's not "maybe next month" or "1 more thing."  The time is finally here!

I realize that it may take 1 month or it may take many months, and I'm sure there will be some frustrating days ahead, but for now, right now, I'm just soaking it all in.  I'm allowing myself to be excited about the possibility of what is to come.  I feel so ready for this.  I'm in a much better place than I was even a few months ago, and that, is a good thing!

As we enter in to this new season of our journey, will you pray with us?  Pray for the continued contentment that has been found in recent months.  Pray for our future Baby Seidler's.  And pray that we will have patience to wait on God's most perfect plan.

I'm believing (and praying) that a Baby Seidler announcement is just around the corner!    

D&C update

I'm feeling emotional today, so you have been warned, officially.

This morning I had my d&c.  As a reminder, I did not have this as a result of a miscarriage, just to clarify.  When I checked in at the doctor's office this morning, the receptionist immediately said how sorry she was.  I appreciated the sentiment, but I was thankful to report that my procedure was not the result of losing another baby in this case.

From the last time I looked at the clock until I woke up was about an hour.  Total time at the office, 2 1/2 hours.  I'd call that a success!  Overall it went well.  There was a small polyp that the doctor ended up removing, but it was more of a convenience thing.  It wasn't causing a problem, he just figured while he was in there, he should get rid of it.  Ok, sounds good.

I'm feeling ok now, just very crampy.  Not a great feeling, but much better than the horrible bloating I had after my surgery a few months ago.

Honestly, the hardest part of today was not having my own doctor perform the procedure.  I had a doctor that I had never met, and while I was 100% confident in his abilities to do what he needed to do, I wasn't able to get the questions answered that I wanted answered.

As of this past Monday, I was supposed to be able to start my Letrozole, which would mean we would officially be trying for a baby again.  Since the Provera (to induce my monthly visitor) didn't work, I had the d&c.  I was under the impression, and after talking to a nurse on Tuesday, was even more certain, that I would instead be starting the Letrozole today or in the next few days and all would be well.

Well.

Now I don't know.  The doctor said that wouldn't be his recommendation, but all I really want is to talk to my doctor.  Someone who knows my case.  I don't just want a guess as to what happens going forward, and I definitely don't want to put off for another month+ to start trying again.

Would you believe these were the thoughts that made me cry as I sat in the bed waiting to be put to sleep?  It's crazy.

This is what infertility does to you.  This is the frustration it makes you feel.  This is how you can go from being very optimistic, very positive, to feeling like no matter what you do, no matter how many meds you take or procedures you have, nothing is going to change it.  That maybe it just ins't meant to be.

This is where I'm at right now.  And can I just be honest?  It sucks.  It really, really sucks.  I don't want to wait anymore.  I don't want to say maybe next month we can try.  I don't want to order medications and have them sit on my table waiting to be used, only to feel like you'll never get to that point.

I just want to be normal.

Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe I'm just over having seemingly unnecessary pain.  Maybe I'm just overwhelmed thinking about in a few days it will be 1 year since I lost my sweet baby.

Whatever it is, today I'm just done.  If you're the praying kind, I could really use them right now.

My heart hurts.  My head hurts.

New plan, new questions

Today I feel overwhelmed again.  I have been feeling so positive, so sure that things were moving in the right direction, and then this week things just went in a different direction.

You might remember I had started taking Provera, a medication to induce my monthly visitor.  Well.  It didn't work.  I guess I shouldn't say it didn't work, more like it didn't completely work.  I had all the symptoms of said visitor, aka my skin broke out like a 12 year old going through puberty, but that was about the extent of it.  So Monday I went in for blood work and u/s to find out what was going on and what the next step was.  The options were either another round of Provera for 10 days or a d&c (dilation and curettage).

Initially I was really turned off by the idea of doing a d&c.  This is most commonly done after a miscarriage to clear everything out.  I don't want to be put under anesthesia again, and to be honest, I don't want to get another iv.  But the nurse talked with my doctor and the decision was made, a d&c it is.

So Friday I'll go in for the procedure.  I'm not super excited about it.  I am happy that things are still moving along, but the question I keep asking is when is enough, enough?  How much does 1 person have to go through just to have a baby?  I know what I'm going through and what I've been through, compared to a lot of people, is minimal.  But it's still hard.  It's overwhelming, and it's hard.

This also has left me with a lot of questions about what the next steps are, when I start taking my prescriptions and how this changes the plan going forward.  I think I'll just have to call the nurse and find out, because the unknown is driving me a little crazy.  

I also got my trigger shot in the mail today.

For some reason, all of this hit me harder than getting the pills.  The shot just seems more serious, more overwhelming.  It's showing just how difficult this process really has become.

I'm still feeling like all of this is for a purpose, and I'm totally trusting God's plan in everything, but some days, it just sucks.  Today is one of those days.  

Being strong and courageous while TTC.

Do you ever worry?  I'll assume the answer is yes.  I know I do.  A lot.  I try not to, I really, really do. It's just not that easy.  But I read a blog post over at http://espressoandcream.com the other day that ended with this verse

"I’ve commanded you, haven’t I? Be strong and courageous. Don’t be fearful or discouraged, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

-Joshua 1:9-

I thought that it was very fitting for where I'm at in life right now, so I wanted to do some reading in Joshua.  You see, that's a great verse, but what was the context of it?  What was Joshua going through that he needed to not be fearful of?  

"No one will be victorious[d] against you for the rest of your life. I’ll be with you just like I was with Moses—I’ll neither fail you nor abandon you.  Be strong and courageous, because you’ll be leading this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors."

-Joshua 1:5-6- 

Moses had just died, and suddenly, Joshua was responsible for leading an entire people, an entire nation, into the land God had promised them.  And just because God promised it, didn't mean it was going to be easy.  God never promised the road would be easy.  In fact, He did promise it would be full of trials and tribulations.

Joshua was about to be up against a lot, and I'm fairly certain he knew that.  So if he, who was going to face all sorts of trials and tribulations was told to not be fearful or discouraged, how much more should I be following that instruction?

See, here's the the thing.  Have you heard about the momma who struggled with infertility for 8 years, eight years, before finally becoming pregnant through IVF?   It's been all over the news and social media lately.  Why?  Because, she didn't just get pregnant with 1 or 2.  She is pregnant with FOUR babies!  So of course I now follow them on youtube, Facebook, and Instagram.  Naturally ;)  And I was so into the story and encouraged by it until I found out why she struggled with infertility.

Endometriosis.

Just.Like.Me.

Ugh.

It felt like a punch to the gut.  And suddenly, the fears, the worries, the little voice that says that's going to be me, started to creep in.  Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have $12,000 laying around for S and I to try IVF.  And that's scary.

The very thing that caused her to not be able to get pregnant, is the exact same thing I suffer from.  Of course, I don't know her entire story, and their absolutely could be more to it, but that initial thought, that initial seedling that says, "This is going to be you, and you don't have the money for it," can become overwhelming.  And quickly!

That's when I really need to step back, take a breath, and remember God's word.  I have been commanded not to be fearful or discouraged, because God is with me wherever I am.  That's an incredible thing.  And I definitely need to remember that as we enter into this next season of ttc (trying to conceive).

So here are some of the things that I worry about.

*My cysts will come back, and I won't be able to start the medications.
*My follicles won't be big enough.
*That S won't be around due to work.
*That this just.won't.work. 

But I realize that being fearful, worrisome, or getting discouraged won't make a difference.  This whole thing is in God's hand, of that I am convinced.  So instead of fearing and being discouraged, I'm choosing to remember that I have a great and mighty God.  I have a God who brought me through my miscarriage, a God who brought me to CNY (fertility dr.), a God who brought me through the trials of the last 12 months, and He certainly will bring me through this.

And if I happen to end up needing IVF, I'm certain that God will bring me through that as well.  He is  a God who provides.  My life is proof of that.  So does it scare me?  Sure.  Will there be days that I worry and fear?  Absolutely.  But am I going to live every minute of every day surrounded by negative thoughts or feelings?  NO.

Because, as Lisa TerKeurst says, "God is good, and God is good at being God."  And that's enough for me.  

Food for thought. Or just thought. Thoughts.

I've had a lot running through my mind lately.  A lot.  I mean, there's always a lot going on up there, but this week especially... wow!  It's a little overwhelming even for me.

Mind if I share some of the things occupying me these days?

1. The show Parenthood, amazing!  It's one of those shows where you fall slowly in love with the characters, to the point that you are fist punching the air saying, "Just tell him you love him!"

Oh.  That's just me?  Ok, well, it's a good show.

2. I have been feeling completely humbled and overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have received over the last year, but the last 2-3 months specifically.  I've had so many people reach out to me, some I haven't talked to in years even, to tell me they understand what I'm going through, to encourage me, or just to tell me they're praying for me.  I don't know if anyone can understand what that means to me.  Going from being embarrassed to talking about it to feeling like I'm in this huge community of love and support, well, there are no words.  If there were any words that meant more than thank you, that's what I would say.  For now though, thank you, from the very, very bottom of my heart, thank you.

3. I have loved Pinterest since I first found out of its existence.  I've used it for just about everything.  Meals, both successful and unsuccessful.  Decorating, both successful and really unsuccessful.  Activities to do with Jayden when he was visiting, all successful ;) And just about anything else you can find on there.  But in the last, probably, well really like a year now, I have been boycotting Pinterest.  It just seemed like there was too much baby stuff to look at, or I wanted to look at it, but it kinda hurt too much.  But, I'm happy to report, I'm back at it!  Tonight I took the plunge and jumped back in, even going so far as to look at pregnancy announcements... what!  I guess you could say I'm getting a little excited for when the time comes.

And that leads me to my last and final mind overtaking thought.  Well.  For now at least.

4. Pregnancy announcement.  I always imagined I would do some over the top, too cute and creative for words, kind of announcement.  Now I'm less sure.  I've put my life, my story, this journey out there for everyone to know.  And I don't know, I guess I feel like it's lost a little bit of the magic.  But I think, for now anyways, I'm still going to go full on, totally unnecessary, too cutsie and creative for words, announcement.  If the time comes where we need to do an iui, I may rethink all this, but I'm believing that won't be necessary.

Anyways, there you have it.  The things that occupy my mind.  Exciting stuff people.  Exciting stuff.

Ramblings of a Type A, OCD sufferer

Nothing new or exciting to report in Alissa land today.  

Well, unless you count picking up my prescription to make my "visitor" show up.  Then, big, exciting things are going on ;)

But I don't count that, so here are just some Wendesday night, I'm lonely without my husband around, ramblings. 

It doesn't happen too, too often, but every once in awhile, my type A, ocd personality rears it's ugly head.  A few weeks ago I started getting back into running.  You know on the treadmill how it shows the distance and time?  Well.  Yeah.  Turns out having those two things right next to each other is not good.  

I'll run a certain amount of time, but then the distance won't be a nice, round number, so I keep going.  

But then the time isn't a nice, round number, so I keep going.  

But then the distance isn't a nice, round number, so I keep going.  

But then the distance isn't a nice, round number, so I keep going.

Seriously.  This really happens.  Every.Single.Day.  

On the one hand, it makes me run longer.  On the other hand, it makes me run longer.

Then tonight, I was going to put my grapes away in the fridge.  I always wash them, but by the time I go to put them away, they're never dry and water always ends up leaking out onto the shelf.  So, I put paper towels underneath to alleviate the problem.  But when I put them on the paper towels, it was crooked.  

Uh oh.  

I tried to walk away, I really did.  That lasted maybe half a second before I straightened it out.  

The struggle is real people.  The struggle is real. 

At some point I'm convinced I'll get this under control.  

However, for now, I'll just keep running and running and running ;)

   

The {waiting} game

Ok, so, here's the deal.  Right now it's a waiting game.  

I thought I'd be going to the doctor today and leave with the best news that I could start taking my newly prescribed medications and all would be well.  Well.  I guess I went in with rose colored glasses.  Turns out that's not happening.  It's fine, it just means more waiting, which apparently I'm not great at.

But, as with everything else in this journey, it's all in God's timing, so I'm good with that.  If waiting a few weeks means waiting a few weeks, then that's what we'll do.  

This is the point where if you don't want to know too much about my personal life, you should probably tune out.  You have been warned ;)

So, the waiting.  

Right now I'm waiting on that lovely monthly visitor that I like to think of as something that could have only come from Satan.  Yeah, that's really how I feel about it.  Tomorrow morning I will call the doctors office to find out if she'll be showing up on her own or if I will need Provera to encourage said visitor to show up.  

Once that happens, I'll go back to the doctor again for yet another ultrasound.  Then, finally, I can start taking the Letrozole (femara).  And so will begin this ridiculously insane journey.  

In other news, I got two of my medications today! 

I never thought I'd be so excited to see some medications show up on my doorstep, but I like to believe that these little guys are going to encourage the making of a baby Seidler, so it's exciting news in my life.  And I do realize that prescriptions showing up and being exciting is a little pathetic, and I'm totally ok with that :) Now I just need the trigger shot to arrive, and we'll be good to go! 

So that's where we're at.  Still feeling excited about the process, but really ready to get things moving!  

Here's to some more waiting :) 

A new journey.

Well... 

it looks like this is really happening.  Really, really happening. 

I feel like I should be more nervous than I am, but I just feel good about everything.  And truthfully, that's a very refreshing feeling to have. 

This is the first time since, honestly, last October that I've just felt good.  That I've felt positive.  That I've felt encouraged.  I'm ready for these next steps and am excited about what the future will bring.

I feel like this last month has taught me so many things.  The biggest of those things is that God is working in this.  I've spent the last almost year now, trying to understand why.  Why I have to go through this.  Why I can't have a baby.  Why there are so many terrible people having babies when they don't deserve them.

But now I get it.  

It isn't about why.  

It's about where.  

Where I am.  

This is where I am.  

For whatever reason, this is where I am.  

And it's good.     

It doesn't mean that this is where I'm staying.  It doesn't mean that this is our forever.  It just means that God has us here, in this place, this time, this moment, for a reason.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm learning to be content with that. 

That understanding has really lifted a weight off of me.  

Even though I'm excited about the coming months and what they will hopefully bring, I don't feel like I need to stress every month about whether or not we get that positive test.  

I'm learning to be ok, to be good, with the journey.  

There's joy to be found in every journey.  And I'm finally finding the joy.   

Anyways.  Tomorrow I head to the doctor and hopefully I'll find out some more information about my meds and what happens now.  I think a lot of doctors appointments are in my future :) 

Surprise!

Huuuuh.  This is me taking a nice deep breath.  I feel like I just need it right now.

I got some unexpected news today.

If you'll remember back about a month ago, I had my first shot of Lupron.  Lupron is typically known to have pretty strong side effects, and I was nervous from the minute I found out I'd be taking it.  Luckily, well, I don't know if I'd say lucky, but the worst of my symptoms has been my out of control emotions.  Every once in awhile I'd get a hot flash and I had terrible headaches most days, but those I can deal with.  My emotions, I cannot.  And if I can't deal with it, imagine what it's been like for my poor husband.  Just, no.  But, even with all of that, I was ok having to endure another month, maybe 2 of it.  Until last week.

Last week, I started noticing some small bumps on the side of my neck and chest.  It just looked like I was breaking out sort of, but it only got worse.  Eventually it mostly went away, but the next afternoon, it came back terribly.  I had decided to call the doctor the next morning if it was still there. Thankfully it wasn't, but knew I would mention it to the nurse when I called for my 1 month update.

Today was that day.

I was able to talk with the nurse who I meet with just about every time I am in their office, and she decided it's probably best if I don't continue with the Lupron.  She has obvious concerns about the hives and what could be causing them.  Since I haven't changed anything other than taking the Lupron, it's most likely from that.

So, now we move on.

{DEEP BREATH}

It's a very exciting time but also incredibly scary.  I was not expecting this to come for at least another month, maybe 2, so this is a big shock to me.

The other day I was just thinking about what it would be like to not be on Lupron, and to know that we are officially back in the "trying" stage.  I got nervous.  But, that was short lived as I "knew" I still had at least one more shot left.  Well.  We see how that turned out.

Now I actually am nervous.  It's exciting, definitely.  But this has been a long time coming.  It's been a year since the miscarriage and almost 6 months since we first started with fertility treatments.  It's hard to imagine going back to the "this month could be it" thinking again.  Honestly, I thought I would be so ready, so excited, for it, but now that it's here, I don't know how to feel.

I'll be taking 4 different medications, so that alone is overwhelming, but I know it's all for a purpose.  I do however, feel very at peace with this whole thing.  Even though it came as a surprise, I'm at peace.  I know that this is God's plan.  I'm excited about the upcoming months and hopeful that all of this will be for a reason.

Nonetheless, I'd love if you would join me in praying as we enter into this new phase of treatment.  It's a whole new season for us, and after a lot of heartbreak and tears, we sure could use some good news.  Maybe 2015 will be the year we welcome a little baby Seidler!!      

Homecoming {1 year}

Anybody else remember when my husband came home from deployment?  Yeah, well I do.  It was a year ago.  ONE YEAR!  Can you believe it?!  It's hard for me to believe that it's already been 365 days since he came back.  So, I thought it was appropriate to dedicate a blog post to that goodness :)

It was 8 months of waiting and waiting and waiting.  Most days, I did ok.  Then there were the days that I thought I'd just never be able to make it through another minute of deployment.  Those are the ones I remember most.  The worst moment?  Having someone ring your doorbell thinking they're here to tell you your husband isn't coming home.  Thankfully, it was just a package being dropped off.  Nonetheless, I was in total meltdown mode after that moment.  His homecoming couldn't come fast enough.  Looking back, there are so many things I would have done different.  I feel like I planned so long for the homecoming, but when it came down to it, I still felt rushed!

Anyhow, the sign was made, the banner was hung, the beer cake was made, and the dress was on.  It was time to go!  I felt a little silly showering and getting ready at 9 at night, but with homecoming ceremonies, you never know when they'll be.  I got my first text from him in 8 months at 11:00, and from that moment on, it was a flood of tears.  I don't think they stopped until well after the ceremony was over.

At 2:00 am, it was finally time.  I searched in a sea of multi-cam, sure I was never going to find him.  And then I did.  There he was, right in front of me.  I shoved people out of the way (sorry, people!) just to get to him and be back in his arms.  In a matter of seconds, my world was right again.  Completely perfect in every single way.  My husband was home, he was safe, and I no longer had to worry about him.

It was everything I imagined and more.  I'm so thankful for all these pictures that document one of the best days of my life.  They capture the emotions I felt so perfectly, and I'll forever be grateful for them :)