But then last night, something hit me like a ton of bricks. You know that feeling? That overwhelming, can't deny it, and kind of don't want to deal with it ton of bricks feeling?
Mother's Day. Sunday is Mother's Day.
I've always loved that there's a day devoted entirely to moms. They deserve it, don't they? If your mom is anything like my mom, then the answer is yes. Over and over again, the answer would be yes.
But this year is different.
This is the first Mother's Day that I should be getting to participate in. Instead, I'm thinking I want to stick my head in the sand and wait for the day to ever so slowly, but surely, pass. I want to open a tub of ice cream and stay off of Facebook and Instagram and wait until all the Mother's Day posts are over. I want to scream and cry and hide in my bed. I want to have my baby here.
But none of that can happen.
I've come so far since the miscarriage. I've learned to accept what was, what is, what will be. I've come to terms with not throwing a first birthday party, not watching them go to kindergarten, not loving on them every day I'm given. I've learned to be thankful for the trials because without them, I'm not me.
But there's something about Mother's Day, a day that you should get to celebrate, but yet again, for another year, you can't. A day when you are suddenly overwhelmed with thinking about what might have been but isn't. A day when you think about the sweet baby boy or baby girl that was only with you for what seemed like the blink of an eye.
And it hurts. It all just hurts.
When you're a momma to an angel, nobody sends you a Happy Mother's Day text. No cards are bought or flowers given, because at the end of the day, that precious baby only exists in your mind and heart. There's no evidence that they were ever real. There's no baby screaming when they're hungry or cuddles when they're sad. There's no sleepless nights or dirty diapers to change.
There's only a whisper of what was that is swept away with the wind, with another passing day.
When you're a momma to an angel, you're only a mother in your mind, in your heart, but to the rest of the world, you're just another person. Childless.
