The {waiting} game

Ok, so, here's the deal.  Right now it's a waiting game.  

I thought I'd be going to the doctor today and leave with the best news that I could start taking my newly prescribed medications and all would be well.  Well.  I guess I went in with rose colored glasses.  Turns out that's not happening.  It's fine, it just means more waiting, which apparently I'm not great at.

But, as with everything else in this journey, it's all in God's timing, so I'm good with that.  If waiting a few weeks means waiting a few weeks, then that's what we'll do.  

This is the point where if you don't want to know too much about my personal life, you should probably tune out.  You have been warned ;)

So, the waiting.  

Right now I'm waiting on that lovely monthly visitor that I like to think of as something that could have only come from Satan.  Yeah, that's really how I feel about it.  Tomorrow morning I will call the doctors office to find out if she'll be showing up on her own or if I will need Provera to encourage said visitor to show up.  

Once that happens, I'll go back to the doctor again for yet another ultrasound.  Then, finally, I can start taking the Letrozole (femara).  And so will begin this ridiculously insane journey.  

In other news, I got two of my medications today! 

I never thought I'd be so excited to see some medications show up on my doorstep, but I like to believe that these little guys are going to encourage the making of a baby Seidler, so it's exciting news in my life.  And I do realize that prescriptions showing up and being exciting is a little pathetic, and I'm totally ok with that :) Now I just need the trigger shot to arrive, and we'll be good to go! 

So that's where we're at.  Still feeling excited about the process, but really ready to get things moving!  

Here's to some more waiting :) 

A new journey.

Well... 

it looks like this is really happening.  Really, really happening. 

I feel like I should be more nervous than I am, but I just feel good about everything.  And truthfully, that's a very refreshing feeling to have. 

This is the first time since, honestly, last October that I've just felt good.  That I've felt positive.  That I've felt encouraged.  I'm ready for these next steps and am excited about what the future will bring.

I feel like this last month has taught me so many things.  The biggest of those things is that God is working in this.  I've spent the last almost year now, trying to understand why.  Why I have to go through this.  Why I can't have a baby.  Why there are so many terrible people having babies when they don't deserve them.

But now I get it.  

It isn't about why.  

It's about where.  

Where I am.  

This is where I am.  

For whatever reason, this is where I am.  

And it's good.     

It doesn't mean that this is where I'm staying.  It doesn't mean that this is our forever.  It just means that God has us here, in this place, this time, this moment, for a reason.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm learning to be content with that. 

That understanding has really lifted a weight off of me.  

Even though I'm excited about the coming months and what they will hopefully bring, I don't feel like I need to stress every month about whether or not we get that positive test.  

I'm learning to be ok, to be good, with the journey.  

There's joy to be found in every journey.  And I'm finally finding the joy.   

Anyways.  Tomorrow I head to the doctor and hopefully I'll find out some more information about my meds and what happens now.  I think a lot of doctors appointments are in my future :) 

Surprise!

Huuuuh.  This is me taking a nice deep breath.  I feel like I just need it right now.

I got some unexpected news today.

If you'll remember back about a month ago, I had my first shot of Lupron.  Lupron is typically known to have pretty strong side effects, and I was nervous from the minute I found out I'd be taking it.  Luckily, well, I don't know if I'd say lucky, but the worst of my symptoms has been my out of control emotions.  Every once in awhile I'd get a hot flash and I had terrible headaches most days, but those I can deal with.  My emotions, I cannot.  And if I can't deal with it, imagine what it's been like for my poor husband.  Just, no.  But, even with all of that, I was ok having to endure another month, maybe 2 of it.  Until last week.

Last week, I started noticing some small bumps on the side of my neck and chest.  It just looked like I was breaking out sort of, but it only got worse.  Eventually it mostly went away, but the next afternoon, it came back terribly.  I had decided to call the doctor the next morning if it was still there. Thankfully it wasn't, but knew I would mention it to the nurse when I called for my 1 month update.

Today was that day.

I was able to talk with the nurse who I meet with just about every time I am in their office, and she decided it's probably best if I don't continue with the Lupron.  She has obvious concerns about the hives and what could be causing them.  Since I haven't changed anything other than taking the Lupron, it's most likely from that.

So, now we move on.

{DEEP BREATH}

It's a very exciting time but also incredibly scary.  I was not expecting this to come for at least another month, maybe 2, so this is a big shock to me.

The other day I was just thinking about what it would be like to not be on Lupron, and to know that we are officially back in the "trying" stage.  I got nervous.  But, that was short lived as I "knew" I still had at least one more shot left.  Well.  We see how that turned out.

Now I actually am nervous.  It's exciting, definitely.  But this has been a long time coming.  It's been a year since the miscarriage and almost 6 months since we first started with fertility treatments.  It's hard to imagine going back to the "this month could be it" thinking again.  Honestly, I thought I would be so ready, so excited, for it, but now that it's here, I don't know how to feel.

I'll be taking 4 different medications, so that alone is overwhelming, but I know it's all for a purpose.  I do however, feel very at peace with this whole thing.  Even though it came as a surprise, I'm at peace.  I know that this is God's plan.  I'm excited about the upcoming months and hopeful that all of this will be for a reason.

Nonetheless, I'd love if you would join me in praying as we enter into this new phase of treatment.  It's a whole new season for us, and after a lot of heartbreak and tears, we sure could use some good news.  Maybe 2015 will be the year we welcome a little baby Seidler!!      

Homecoming {1 year}

Anybody else remember when my husband came home from deployment?  Yeah, well I do.  It was a year ago.  ONE YEAR!  Can you believe it?!  It's hard for me to believe that it's already been 365 days since he came back.  So, I thought it was appropriate to dedicate a blog post to that goodness :)

It was 8 months of waiting and waiting and waiting.  Most days, I did ok.  Then there were the days that I thought I'd just never be able to make it through another minute of deployment.  Those are the ones I remember most.  The worst moment?  Having someone ring your doorbell thinking they're here to tell you your husband isn't coming home.  Thankfully, it was just a package being dropped off.  Nonetheless, I was in total meltdown mode after that moment.  His homecoming couldn't come fast enough.  Looking back, there are so many things I would have done different.  I feel like I planned so long for the homecoming, but when it came down to it, I still felt rushed!

Anyhow, the sign was made, the banner was hung, the beer cake was made, and the dress was on.  It was time to go!  I felt a little silly showering and getting ready at 9 at night, but with homecoming ceremonies, you never know when they'll be.  I got my first text from him in 8 months at 11:00, and from that moment on, it was a flood of tears.  I don't think they stopped until well after the ceremony was over.

At 2:00 am, it was finally time.  I searched in a sea of multi-cam, sure I was never going to find him.  And then I did.  There he was, right in front of me.  I shoved people out of the way (sorry, people!) just to get to him and be back in his arms.  In a matter of seconds, my world was right again.  Completely perfect in every single way.  My husband was home, he was safe, and I no longer had to worry about him.

It was everything I imagined and more.  I'm so thankful for all these pictures that document one of the best days of my life.  They capture the emotions I felt so perfectly, and I'll forever be grateful for them :)

Encouraging their strengths, and finally, infertility in the Bible part 2!

Ok, it's been long enough.  I'm finally going to get around to God's response to Sarah in Genesis 18.  Yay!!  But, before I get to that I want to talk about something else.

Yesterday I finished up Pastor Steven's sermon from a few days ago.  The 5th point he and his wife made was "I am Called to: encourage your strengths."  I realize that I'm not great at encouraging my spouse's strengths.  It's easier to focus on the 100 negative things than the 1 good thing, am I right?!  I'll just assume I am, so moving on.  This whole encouragement thing really got me to thinking about this last 3 weeks since I had my first shot of Lupron.

You guys.

My.Poor.Husband.  Seriously!  I'm kind of emotional as it is, but these last 3 weeks, oh forget about it.  The other day Sean and I were in the car, and there I am just crying my eyes out.  Why you ask?  No reason.  Absolutely no reason.  I just couldn't stop crying!  He kept asking me what was wrong, and all I could say was, "I'm just feeling emotional."  WHAT!  What does that even mean?!  And I know if I can hardly deal, he can really hardly deal.  So.  This is me encouraging your strengths.  Thanks for putting up with my emotions and tears and occasionally snappy attitude.  Thanks for telling me it's ok and holding my hand when I need it.  Thanks for not pushing me out of the car on the days when I'm "just feeling emotional."  I love you.

Now!  Are you ready?!

Here's a small recap in case you need it.

Sarah hasn't can't get pregnant.
Sarah gives her servant Hagar to Abraham to conceive through her.
Sarah is promised she will have a child of her own.
Sarah laughs at God.

I think that about covers it.

So now here we are in Genesis 18 where God responds.

13 The Lord asked Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and think, ‘Am I really going to bear a child, since I’m so old?’

This is where it gets good.

14 Is anything impossible[l] for the Lord?  

In another translation, God says, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?"  But really.  Here we are claiming to believe that God can do anything, but when it came right down to it, Sarah didn't believe that God could do anything.  I'm guessing in just those 6 words, Sarah felt pretty humbled.  I know I would.  I know I did actually!  When I came across that verse, I realized how silly it was of me to say I'll never have kids.

But this next part?  It's my favorite.

14 Is anything impossible[l] for the Lord? At the time set for it, I will return to you—about a year from now—and Sarah will have a son.”

I really thought about that line, "At the time set for it."  God didn't say, right now.  He didn't say,  when you want.  He didn't say, when you think it's the right time.  He didn't say at the time you set for it.  He said, "At the time set for it."  The time I set for it.  What an amazing idea that sometimes (insert sarcasm, because they're always done in His time), things are done in His time.  

All of this prompted me to look at some different translations and see how this verse was written in them.  This is what I came up with.

1. At the set time.

2. At the appointed time.

3. At the right time.

4. At the time appointed.

5. At a time that I will determine.

Do you see?  It wasn't about what Sarah wanted.  For Heaven's sake, she was 89 years old!  Do you think that her plan included giving birth when she was 90 years old?!  NINETY.YEARS.OLD!  No, I'm sure that's not what she wanted.  I'm sure that she didn't see that as the right time.  But it was!  It really was, because that's when God said it was.  And that made it good.

I don't know, maybe I'm just reading what I want to read, but I have to believe that God's timing is perfect.  That when it's the right time, the time set for it, Sean and I will get to have our own baby.  And I'm sure that it will be absolutely perfect.  

However, I will say, all of this time may be encouraging a little more spoiling of said baby, but, nonetheless, it will be perfect :)      

Seasons

Is the suspense killing you yet?  Are you so anxious to find out what God's response was to Sarah in her struggle to accept that she would be conceiving a child?  I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat, but you're going to have to hang on a little bit longer!  First, I want to talk contentment.

Ugh.

I know.  That's how I feel about that word too.  Today I was listening to Pastor Steven's (of Elevation Church) most recent sermon from the series Meant to Be since I missed it yesterday.  This series hits on the topics of sex, marriage, and being single, but yesterdays sermon hit the nail on the head for me.  There were 6 bullet points they (Pastor Steven and his wife) talked about, each beginning with I am Called to.  Point 3 was I am Called to: live with contentment.  I'm going to be honest, this is not something I'm great at.  Not at all.  Anybody with me on that?!  I know someone out there is saying yes, so I'll assume you understand where I'm coming from.

One of the first things he said was, "Enjoy where you are on the way to where God is taking you."  Let that sink in for a second, "Enjoy where you are."  What?!  You mean, I can enjoy where I am, right now, in this moment, whether it's good or bad?!  Yes.  You can!  For me, this is tough.  For the last almost 11 months now, I've been so anxious for something.  In my case, that something is having a baby.  I've cried, I've yelled, in fact I've said some pretty nasty things.  But I never thought about the fact that I could enjoy it.

I mean, think about it, kids are great.  Really great!  But they are life altering great.  Once you have them, you can't go back.  They determine when you wake up and when you (should) go to sleep.  They determine when, and sometimes what, you eat.  They determine where the best place to take a vacation is, and they determine what you should or shouldn't spend money on.  Every aspect of your life is no longer your own.  Now, for people like Sean and I, we haven't been married all that long.  We like our lives and living them the way we do.  And thanks to a lot of time spent apart, I think we're still figuring out exactly how to live and do life together.  So while, yeah, of course we want kids, and if we found out tomorrow that we were expecting, we would be over the moon excited.  Obviously.  But does that mean that I can't enjoy the season of life that I'm in?  No way!  I may not have looked at this way before, but I'm taking time to now.

Another point Pastor Steven said was, "I can find something to celebrate in any situation."  This doesn't just mean when time are good.  Times are not always good.  But there's always something good in every situation, even if it doesn't seem like it.  For me, in this season, I'm getting extra time in with my husband to just do life.  To pick up at any second and drive somewhere, just because we can.  To sit and watch football all day on Sunday, just because we can.  To plan vacations that we like, just because we can.  And that's ok!!  It might not have been what I planned for my life, but as long as I'm given it, I might as well find the joy in it.  

It's so, so easy to ache for the next season of life, whatever that may be.  I've done it too.  In fact, I've really spent the last 11 months doing it.  And it's been a painful 11 months.  But this is where God has me.  This is my season.  This is my life.  And that's good too!

Here's thing about that statement, "Enjoy where you are on the way to where God is taking you."  The first half is great, "Enjoy where you are," but think about that second part, "On the way to where God is taking you."  Do you get that?  You aren't going to be in this season forever.  I'm not going to be in this childless, not able to get pregnant season forever.  The timeline may not be what you or I had planned for our lives, but there is a plan.  Seasons don't last forever.  At some point summer fades, and fall will be here.  And when the leaves begin to change and eventually fall, winter will be ushered in.  But even winter, with its seemingly never-ending cold and snow, doesn't last forever.  Spring will come and it will bring new life.  And that's exactly how our lives are.  The season of hardship or frustration or anger or struggling, it doesn't last forever.  It will end, and when it ends, new life will be ushered in.

I must not be good enough. I don't deserve to be happy.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail.  A hand written, notebook paper, letter.  Can you imagine?  When was the last time you sent a real life letter?!  Anyways, I loved it.  There was one line that completely stood out to me.  It said, "You don't understand the fear, anguish, and general discontent that comes with your body not working."  YES!  That's exactly what it is.  Sean is always telling me I haven't done anything wrong; I couldn't have done anything to prevent the miscarriage or not getting pregnant since then, that it's just my body.  Isn't that the point?  It's my body.  It's supposed to work, to make and carry a baby.  To bring life into this world, not destroy it.  There's always been a part of me that has felt guilt over losing my baby.  When I feel fear, anguish, and discontent, it isn't with other people, it's with me, my body.      

Throughout this journey, I have struggled to put into words what it's like to have to go through this.  Really, there are no words.  It's so much more than being sad or upset.  It truly is fear, anguish, and general discontent rolled up into one big feeling.  And it's not a good feeling.  Going through a miscarriage and the disappointing months after, planted a seed in me.

A seed that said I must have done something wrong.
I must be a bad person.
I must not pray enough.
I must deserve this for some reason.
I must not be a good enough person.
I probably won't be a good mom.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I've done too many bad things and this is what I deserve.

Truth?  Maybe.  I probably don't pray enough.  I'm not a good person 100% of the time.  I have done bad things.  I probably won't be a good mom all the time.  But this past week I decided it was time to find out what the Bible said about infertility.  To see what women in the Bible were like when they experienced infertility.  I mean, if they're in the Bible, they're probably good people and deserve to have a baby, right?  Wrong.  They were human, flawed, just like I am.  So maybe all those little seeds of half truths are just that, half.truths.  Which means, if they're half truth, they're also half lies.

When I first started, I wasn't sure the best way to go about looking for stories of infertility in the Bible, so I took to Google.  Best option?  Maybe not.  But it worked!  I came to Hebrews 11.  Boy was there some good truth in there!

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about the things we cannot see."

-Hebrews 11:1-

See, I always thought faith was just about trusting and believing in the things we can't see.  But it's not.  Or at least, it's not just that.  It's, "the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen."

In that one verse, I realized that my faith, the core of who I am, had been completely shaken.  During this struggle, I've never, not once, wavered in my belief in God and knowing that He has a plan.  But my faith?  I realize now, that had taken a hit.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped having faith that we were meant to have a baby.  It didn't happen overnight or all at once, but it happened.  And the thing is, I didn't even know it!  It wasn't until I read that, really read that, that I knew.  

Later in Hebrews (11:11), it says, "By faith, Sarah, even though she was old and barren, received the strength to conceive, because she was convinced that the who had made the promise was faithful."  See?  There it is again.  Faith.  Sarah wasn't blessed with a baby because she sought medical treatment or had a great fertility doctor helping her out, she just had faith.  That's it!  

But here's the thing about Sarah, she didn't always have faith.  

WHAT?!  

Yep, it's true.  In Genesis 16, Sarah, well Sarai, gives her servant Hagar to Abram hoping that she would bear a son through her.  At her old age, I can see where she would lack faith.  She was old!  But even after Abraham had been told that Sarah would bear him a son, and Sarah had heard herself, she laughed at the idea.  It doesn't seem like her faith was that great in that moment.  But in Genesis 18, God responds.

And it's a good response.

So in the interest of not taking up your entire day with my ramblings, check back in tomorrow for said response.  Trust me, you want to come back ;)                 

Happiness, where are you?

Today is going to be all about honesty.  Around here, I usually try to be honest.  I mean, isn't that why I have this blog after all?  I didn't start this blog with the intentions of having to share the ins and outs of my entire personal life, down to being able, or as it turns out, not being able to, conceive.  But that's where we're at, so I'm just running with it.

I have had so many people message me over the last few months to share their stories of infertility with me, as well as to just give encouragement during this time.  It has been a huge blessing to me.  To know that, while I may be more open about our journey than a lot of others, there are tons of people out there that understand what I'm going through.  Sometimes it's just nice to be understood.  I love hearing your stories and knowing that we can pray for each other, and give encouragement or just an ear to listen when sometimes that's all you need.

That being said, yesterday was a hard day.  I live my life most days, having to deal with all of this, with people that don't understand.  And it's hard.  I don't fault anyone for not understanding, but it's hard to get something that you've never been through.  That's true for just about anything in life.  And before I go on, can I just say that my emotions have been, um... off the wall lately.  I credit that to the Lupron I was given a couple weeks ago.  So please keep that in mind and don't hate me.  I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be sharing this, but if I'm going to open up my life, I can't just share the good things, or the medical things, I feel like I need to share everything, even if I don't want to.

This is something that I've struggled with for awhile.  This isn't something that just popped up over night, and truthfully, it's something I really have to combat every.single.day.  This whole process has been exhausting physically, but even more so, mentally and emotionally.  Yesterday, I just kind of lost it.  I mean big tears, mascara stained cheeks, can't stop crying, lost it.  Yeah, that happened.  I know a lot of pregnant people right now.  A lot.  And as happy as I am for every single one that I know, and trust me, I am genuinely happy, I'm tired of having to be happy for other people.  Please someone tell me you get that.  That I'm not this heartless, bitter person that's angry at the world.  I'm not, I'm really not, but I just want to get to be happy for myself for once.  Maybe it's that more than anything.  I just want to feel happy again.  In general, I'm a pretty happy person.  I don't see the point in constantly being negative about everything and anything, because really, that will never get you anywhere.  But I lost a part of myself the day I found out I lost my baby, and it's been an uphill battle ever since then.  10 months of going uphill day, after day, after day.  That would wear anyone down.  Again, please someone tell me you get it.  I can't be alone in this!

Alllll of that being said, if you're pregnant or just had a baby, know that I'm happy for you.  Truly, genuinely happy.  I would never want anyone else to have to go through what I'm going through.  But if I don't "like" your status or give you a big hug and congratulations, please forgive me.  It's not that I'm not happy for you, but I'm just tired of not being happy for myself.