48 hours post trigger

We are roughly 48 hours post trigger shot.  My stomach is still pretty sore, which I've been surprised about.  As much research as I've done about it, and trust me, it's been extensive, having soreness wasn't something I came across.  It's nothing that isn't manageable, but I'm still thankful I only have to do that once a month.  

I've been asked by quite a few different people if I'm doing any of the typical "ttc methods" now that we're officially trying again.  These things would include things like temping, testing out the trigger shot, keeping track of ovulation, etc. etc. etc.  The short answer is, no.  It's been a long journey to get to this point where a pregnancy is even possible, and even now, it's dictated by a lot of things.  Blood work, ultrasounds, follicle growth, shots, pills, and so on.  All of these things have great potential to take the fun out of the process.  That is not something I want for me or for S and me as a couple.  While I recognize those things definitely can be helpful and, sure, they have their place, it's just not for me.  Not right now anyways.

So, what am I spending my time doing instead?

Some of this.

And some of this.

I recognize that this cycle may not end the way I want, which would obviously be with a pregnancy.  I recognize that the next 3, 4, 5 cycles may not end the way I want.  Yes, my dr. knows what he's doing, and yes, the shot and medications are certainly things that are being used to encourage a pregnancy, but at the end of the day, I still have endometriosis.  I still suffer from infertility the same way I have over the last year.  But I also still serve a great and mighty God that, if He can heal the lame and make the blind see, He certainly can overcome my endo.   

Please don't mistake the above as negativity or doubting that it can or will happen.  I just feel so content with whatever the outcome may be, that I'm ok saying it may not happen on the first try, but obviously that's my hope.  

So for now, instead of doing some or all of the common "ttc methods," I'm looking at announcements and nurseries and ways to document a pregnancy and teeny tiny baby clothes and ways to incorporate the "rainbow baby" theme and all things that any normal person would be doing if they're hoping to have a baby.  I'm trusting that at some point, whether that's this month or next or next year, I will be able to announce a pregnancy and buy teeny tiny baby clothes and get some use out of many, many "pins" I have on Pinterest.  

I'm also making time each day to get some exercise in.  For awhile, I was really getting into running again, but now, I'm doing everything I can to encourage and aid in a pregnancy.  For me, this means walking and lifting weights.  I'm also soaking up these last few days of semi-nice weather before winter is here and our walks become shorter and less frequent.

Anyways, happy almost weekend! 

Yesterday I let my husband stab me.

Yesterday I let my husband stab me.

Ok, well it was only with a 1, maybe 1 1/2 inch needle, but still.  I'm not a fan of needles.  Never have been, and I'm honestly not sure I ever will be.  If you would have told me a year ago that I would be giving myself (or having someone other than a nurse give me) a shot, in my own home for the sake of having a baby, I probably would have said you were crazy.  But that's where we're at anyways.

Last Saturday I took my last two pills of Letrozole and had an u/s and blood work yesterday to find out if we could go ahead with the trigger shot.  I tried not to think too much about what the results might be.  I could think of all sorts of things to go wrong, but I just didn't want to go there.  We got great news!  For the 3rd u/s in a row, I haven't had any cysts present.  This is awesome considering every one up until my surgery always showed one.  And secondly I had two good looking follicles.  In a normal person, having only 2 follicles wouldn't be good, but with the Letrozole, the purpose is quality, not quantity.  So I had 1 good sized follicle that was already ovulating on its own, and then 1 really good follicle that I would be able to trigger.

To say that I was nervous about letting my husband poke me with a needle would be a severe understatement.  But he did great!  I wouldn't say he's exactly known for being serious, but this, he took seriously, which you can clearly see in his face ;)

It didn't hurt at all, but there was a pretty intense stinging for about 10 seconds afterwards.  It wasn't until a few hours later that I really noticed how sore it was, and today it's still pretty sore.  I'm thankful it wasn't too bad, but I'm also thankful I only have to do that once a month!

So now, we wait.  Well, I think you know what we do in the mean time, but other than that, we wait ;)

The interesting thing with infertility and ttc (trying to conceive) is that everything is done so much differently.  In a normal person, and I say normal as in the able to get pregnant on their own kinda way, they would probably take a home pregnancy test after missing a period and then have it confirmed by an hcg/beta test.  In someone with fertility issues, our pregnancy tests are scheduled in advance before you even have a chance of becoming pregnant!  When the nurse yesterday told me what day I would need to have my beta test, I had a tiny moment of freaking out.  It made everything seem more real.  And then the inner questions and doubting started regarding a phone call that won't be made for several weeks still!

What if it doesn't work?
What if it never works?
What if I'm not pregnant?
What if I still can't get pregnant?

And that list goes on and on and on.  I quickly decided that I couldn't think about it.  No matter what the outcome of that phone call is, I will still be thankful.  It's been a long 7 month, 2 surgery, countless needles and pokes, tons of medications, road to even get to this point.  The point that pregnancy is once again a real possibility.  So even if in a few weeks it turns out that I'm not pregnant, I'm ok with that.  I've really, truly, reached the point where I'm content with where we're at and each season we're in.  We're finally back in the 'trying' season again, and that's so exciting, but each season has a purpose, so whatever the outcome, I'll be good.  Disappointed?  Probably.  But still good.

I know that God's plan is so much greater than my own, even if I may not always understand it.  Just like with everything else in this journey though, I'm leaving this new season of trying completely in His hands!

But I wouldn't say no to anyone that wants to pray for a positive test anyways ;)

Goodbye, Baby Seidler

I wanted to write this yesterday.  I had every intention of doing it.  I don't know if I didn't have time or just didn't have the heart, but either way, it obviously didn't happen.

Yesterday marked 1 year since we lost our sweet growing babe.  Today is one year and one day.  Tomorrow will be one year and two days.  And so on.

That's how it goes really.  Just taking every day one at a time.  Most days are fine.  Good, really.  Some days are hard.  And every one in a blue moon, I have days where I just don't know how to get through it.

When you have a miscarriage, nobody tells you that a year and one day after, you'll still feel those raw emotions like you did when you found out your baby was gone.  Nobody tells you you'll have you take it day by day, and maybe someday, it won't hurt so much anymore.  Nobody tells you that life continues, and people move on, and meanwhile, you sit here counting the days, the months, that have passed by.  These are the things nobody tells you.

I can still remember exactly what it felt like to be sitting in the ER, laughing and talking with S like my whole world wasn't about to change.  I remember exactly what it felt like the moment the nurse, ever so casually, said, "Your uterus is empty."  I remember the shock, the anger, and the overwhelming sadness that went through me in that single second.  I remember it all.

Leaving the hospital, completely numb, I wanted nothing more than to have it be a joke.  A bad dream I would wake up from only to realize my baby was still there.  But it wasn't.  It was gone.

I would never hear it's heartbeat.
I would never see it's tiny eyes looking up at me.
I would never see it's first smile, even if it would just be from gas.
I would never get to watch it learn to play and go to school and make friends and get married and have its own kids or any of the things that normal kids get to do.

I miss that baby every day.  Or I at least miss what it would have been.

But today is a new day.  It is day 365 + 1.  Tomorrow will be 365 + 2.  And so on.  And that's how I will continue on with life.  Taking each day one at a time, until the days run together, until the months turn into years, until the pain of that day is just a dull presence somewhere in the back of my mind.

Goodbye, Baby Seidler.  I miss you more than you know.

The time is finally here!

Today is a good day.  I feel positive.  I feel hopeful.  I feel encouraged.  I feel excited.

It's been a long time since I felt all of those things all at once.  A.Really.Long.Time.

After my d&c last Friday, I felt pretty discouraged.  The doctor that performed my procedure had recommended waiting until my next cycle started to begin with the Letrozole (femara).  I was confused.  I was frustrated.  And honestly, I was a little angry.  Why was I putting my body through this if in the end I was having to wait for another month anyways?  Why not just give me the Provera and get on with it?

So yesterday morning, bright and early, I had a phone appt with my regular doctor to talk with him.  At first he also said that I would wait until my next cycle started.  Ugh.  But after some chatting, he said I could go in for an ultrasound and blood work to see if I could start everything now instead.  Just 6 hours later I was in the car and on the way to his office.

Everything on the ultrasound looked good.  Yay!
"I'll call with the results from the lab later today," said the nurse.

Whoops.  The lab is closed.

Great.

So I impatiently waited for the call this morning to find out what the verdict would be.

Everything came back good.  Finally, finally, finally I can start my medications!

God's timing is funny, don't you think?

One year ago, almost exactly, I lost my sweet baby.  And here I am now just starting the process over again.  Actually, for the first time ever, I can officially say we are trying for a baby.  I found out I was pregnant just a few weeks after S came home from deployment last year, and at the time I was just so excited to have him home, a baby wasn't really on the brain.  So now we're back at square 1 again.  And for the first time in a long time, that feels good.

I don't know what I expect in the coming months.  I'm trying not to expect much really.  I am trying to be hopeful without getting my hopes up.  I'm trying to remain positive without being positive about what will happen.  I'm trying to stay realistic while knowing that God is an amazing God that can overcome any issues I have had being able to conceive.

And for the first time since March when I made my first appt with the fertility clinic, it's not "maybe next month" or "1 more thing."  The time is finally here!

I realize that it may take 1 month or it may take many months, and I'm sure there will be some frustrating days ahead, but for now, right now, I'm just soaking it all in.  I'm allowing myself to be excited about the possibility of what is to come.  I feel so ready for this.  I'm in a much better place than I was even a few months ago, and that, is a good thing!

As we enter in to this new season of our journey, will you pray with us?  Pray for the continued contentment that has been found in recent months.  Pray for our future Baby Seidler's.  And pray that we will have patience to wait on God's most perfect plan.

I'm believing (and praying) that a Baby Seidler announcement is just around the corner!    

D&C update

I'm feeling emotional today, so you have been warned, officially.

This morning I had my d&c.  As a reminder, I did not have this as a result of a miscarriage, just to clarify.  When I checked in at the doctor's office this morning, the receptionist immediately said how sorry she was.  I appreciated the sentiment, but I was thankful to report that my procedure was not the result of losing another baby in this case.

From the last time I looked at the clock until I woke up was about an hour.  Total time at the office, 2 1/2 hours.  I'd call that a success!  Overall it went well.  There was a small polyp that the doctor ended up removing, but it was more of a convenience thing.  It wasn't causing a problem, he just figured while he was in there, he should get rid of it.  Ok, sounds good.

I'm feeling ok now, just very crampy.  Not a great feeling, but much better than the horrible bloating I had after my surgery a few months ago.

Honestly, the hardest part of today was not having my own doctor perform the procedure.  I had a doctor that I had never met, and while I was 100% confident in his abilities to do what he needed to do, I wasn't able to get the questions answered that I wanted answered.

As of this past Monday, I was supposed to be able to start my Letrozole, which would mean we would officially be trying for a baby again.  Since the Provera (to induce my monthly visitor) didn't work, I had the d&c.  I was under the impression, and after talking to a nurse on Tuesday, was even more certain, that I would instead be starting the Letrozole today or in the next few days and all would be well.

Well.

Now I don't know.  The doctor said that wouldn't be his recommendation, but all I really want is to talk to my doctor.  Someone who knows my case.  I don't just want a guess as to what happens going forward, and I definitely don't want to put off for another month+ to start trying again.

Would you believe these were the thoughts that made me cry as I sat in the bed waiting to be put to sleep?  It's crazy.

This is what infertility does to you.  This is the frustration it makes you feel.  This is how you can go from being very optimistic, very positive, to feeling like no matter what you do, no matter how many meds you take or procedures you have, nothing is going to change it.  That maybe it just ins't meant to be.

This is where I'm at right now.  And can I just be honest?  It sucks.  It really, really sucks.  I don't want to wait anymore.  I don't want to say maybe next month we can try.  I don't want to order medications and have them sit on my table waiting to be used, only to feel like you'll never get to that point.

I just want to be normal.

Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe I'm just over having seemingly unnecessary pain.  Maybe I'm just overwhelmed thinking about in a few days it will be 1 year since I lost my sweet baby.

Whatever it is, today I'm just done.  If you're the praying kind, I could really use them right now.

My heart hurts.  My head hurts.

New plan, new questions

Today I feel overwhelmed again.  I have been feeling so positive, so sure that things were moving in the right direction, and then this week things just went in a different direction.

You might remember I had started taking Provera, a medication to induce my monthly visitor.  Well.  It didn't work.  I guess I shouldn't say it didn't work, more like it didn't completely work.  I had all the symptoms of said visitor, aka my skin broke out like a 12 year old going through puberty, but that was about the extent of it.  So Monday I went in for blood work and u/s to find out what was going on and what the next step was.  The options were either another round of Provera for 10 days or a d&c (dilation and curettage).

Initially I was really turned off by the idea of doing a d&c.  This is most commonly done after a miscarriage to clear everything out.  I don't want to be put under anesthesia again, and to be honest, I don't want to get another iv.  But the nurse talked with my doctor and the decision was made, a d&c it is.

So Friday I'll go in for the procedure.  I'm not super excited about it.  I am happy that things are still moving along, but the question I keep asking is when is enough, enough?  How much does 1 person have to go through just to have a baby?  I know what I'm going through and what I've been through, compared to a lot of people, is minimal.  But it's still hard.  It's overwhelming, and it's hard.

This also has left me with a lot of questions about what the next steps are, when I start taking my prescriptions and how this changes the plan going forward.  I think I'll just have to call the nurse and find out, because the unknown is driving me a little crazy.  

I also got my trigger shot in the mail today.

For some reason, all of this hit me harder than getting the pills.  The shot just seems more serious, more overwhelming.  It's showing just how difficult this process really has become.

I'm still feeling like all of this is for a purpose, and I'm totally trusting God's plan in everything, but some days, it just sucks.  Today is one of those days.  

Being strong and courageous while TTC.

Do you ever worry?  I'll assume the answer is yes.  I know I do.  A lot.  I try not to, I really, really do. It's just not that easy.  But I read a blog post over at http://espressoandcream.com the other day that ended with this verse

"I’ve commanded you, haven’t I? Be strong and courageous. Don’t be fearful or discouraged, because the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

-Joshua 1:9-

I thought that it was very fitting for where I'm at in life right now, so I wanted to do some reading in Joshua.  You see, that's a great verse, but what was the context of it?  What was Joshua going through that he needed to not be fearful of?  

"No one will be victorious[d] against you for the rest of your life. I’ll be with you just like I was with Moses—I’ll neither fail you nor abandon you.  Be strong and courageous, because you’ll be leading this people to inherit the land that I promised to give their ancestors."

-Joshua 1:5-6- 

Moses had just died, and suddenly, Joshua was responsible for leading an entire people, an entire nation, into the land God had promised them.  And just because God promised it, didn't mean it was going to be easy.  God never promised the road would be easy.  In fact, He did promise it would be full of trials and tribulations.

Joshua was about to be up against a lot, and I'm fairly certain he knew that.  So if he, who was going to face all sorts of trials and tribulations was told to not be fearful or discouraged, how much more should I be following that instruction?

See, here's the the thing.  Have you heard about the momma who struggled with infertility for 8 years, eight years, before finally becoming pregnant through IVF?   It's been all over the news and social media lately.  Why?  Because, she didn't just get pregnant with 1 or 2.  She is pregnant with FOUR babies!  So of course I now follow them on youtube, Facebook, and Instagram.  Naturally ;)  And I was so into the story and encouraged by it until I found out why she struggled with infertility.

Endometriosis.

Just.Like.Me.

Ugh.

It felt like a punch to the gut.  And suddenly, the fears, the worries, the little voice that says that's going to be me, started to creep in.  Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't have $12,000 laying around for S and I to try IVF.  And that's scary.

The very thing that caused her to not be able to get pregnant, is the exact same thing I suffer from.  Of course, I don't know her entire story, and their absolutely could be more to it, but that initial thought, that initial seedling that says, "This is going to be you, and you don't have the money for it," can become overwhelming.  And quickly!

That's when I really need to step back, take a breath, and remember God's word.  I have been commanded not to be fearful or discouraged, because God is with me wherever I am.  That's an incredible thing.  And I definitely need to remember that as we enter into this next season of ttc (trying to conceive).

So here are some of the things that I worry about.

*My cysts will come back, and I won't be able to start the medications.
*My follicles won't be big enough.
*That S won't be around due to work.
*That this just.won't.work. 

But I realize that being fearful, worrisome, or getting discouraged won't make a difference.  This whole thing is in God's hand, of that I am convinced.  So instead of fearing and being discouraged, I'm choosing to remember that I have a great and mighty God.  I have a God who brought me through my miscarriage, a God who brought me to CNY (fertility dr.), a God who brought me through the trials of the last 12 months, and He certainly will bring me through this.

And if I happen to end up needing IVF, I'm certain that God will bring me through that as well.  He is  a God who provides.  My life is proof of that.  So does it scare me?  Sure.  Will there be days that I worry and fear?  Absolutely.  But am I going to live every minute of every day surrounded by negative thoughts or feelings?  NO.

Because, as Lisa TerKeurst says, "God is good, and God is good at being God."  And that's enough for me.  

Food for thought. Or just thought. Thoughts.

I've had a lot running through my mind lately.  A lot.  I mean, there's always a lot going on up there, but this week especially... wow!  It's a little overwhelming even for me.

Mind if I share some of the things occupying me these days?

1. The show Parenthood, amazing!  It's one of those shows where you fall slowly in love with the characters, to the point that you are fist punching the air saying, "Just tell him you love him!"

Oh.  That's just me?  Ok, well, it's a good show.

2. I have been feeling completely humbled and overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I have received over the last year, but the last 2-3 months specifically.  I've had so many people reach out to me, some I haven't talked to in years even, to tell me they understand what I'm going through, to encourage me, or just to tell me they're praying for me.  I don't know if anyone can understand what that means to me.  Going from being embarrassed to talking about it to feeling like I'm in this huge community of love and support, well, there are no words.  If there were any words that meant more than thank you, that's what I would say.  For now though, thank you, from the very, very bottom of my heart, thank you.

3. I have loved Pinterest since I first found out of its existence.  I've used it for just about everything.  Meals, both successful and unsuccessful.  Decorating, both successful and really unsuccessful.  Activities to do with Jayden when he was visiting, all successful ;) And just about anything else you can find on there.  But in the last, probably, well really like a year now, I have been boycotting Pinterest.  It just seemed like there was too much baby stuff to look at, or I wanted to look at it, but it kinda hurt too much.  But, I'm happy to report, I'm back at it!  Tonight I took the plunge and jumped back in, even going so far as to look at pregnancy announcements... what!  I guess you could say I'm getting a little excited for when the time comes.

And that leads me to my last and final mind overtaking thought.  Well.  For now at least.

4. Pregnancy announcement.  I always imagined I would do some over the top, too cute and creative for words, kind of announcement.  Now I'm less sure.  I've put my life, my story, this journey out there for everyone to know.  And I don't know, I guess I feel like it's lost a little bit of the magic.  But I think, for now anyways, I'm still going to go full on, totally unnecessary, too cutsie and creative for words, announcement.  If the time comes where we need to do an iui, I may rethink all this, but I'm believing that won't be necessary.

Anyways, there you have it.  The things that occupy my mind.  Exciting stuff people.  Exciting stuff.

Ramblings of a Type A, OCD sufferer

Nothing new or exciting to report in Alissa land today.  

Well, unless you count picking up my prescription to make my "visitor" show up.  Then, big, exciting things are going on ;)

But I don't count that, so here are just some Wendesday night, I'm lonely without my husband around, ramblings. 

It doesn't happen too, too often, but every once in awhile, my type A, ocd personality rears it's ugly head.  A few weeks ago I started getting back into running.  You know on the treadmill how it shows the distance and time?  Well.  Yeah.  Turns out having those two things right next to each other is not good.  

I'll run a certain amount of time, but then the distance won't be a nice, round number, so I keep going.  

But then the time isn't a nice, round number, so I keep going.  

But then the distance isn't a nice, round number, so I keep going.  

But then the distance isn't a nice, round number, so I keep going.

Seriously.  This really happens.  Every.Single.Day.  

On the one hand, it makes me run longer.  On the other hand, it makes me run longer.

Then tonight, I was going to put my grapes away in the fridge.  I always wash them, but by the time I go to put them away, they're never dry and water always ends up leaking out onto the shelf.  So, I put paper towels underneath to alleviate the problem.  But when I put them on the paper towels, it was crooked.  

Uh oh.  

I tried to walk away, I really did.  That lasted maybe half a second before I straightened it out.  

The struggle is real people.  The struggle is real. 

At some point I'm convinced I'll get this under control.  

However, for now, I'll just keep running and running and running ;)