A secret club

It's been awhile since I last blogged.  Nothing has been going on since S has been gone, so things in the Seidler household have become quite boring.  I'm ok with it, but I'm very ready for my husband to be home again!

If you're friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Instagram, you may have seen my post last night.  It was a little lot "woe is me" kinda post.  For whatever reason, I was just having one of those nights.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  Whether you suffer from infertility or are just a human girl, you know what I'm talking about.  

You see, I've found myself part of this ultra exclusive club over the last year+.  It's real easy to get in, but impossibly difficult to get out of.  You'll do almost anything in your power to get out of it, but once you're in, you're in for life.  And it's never fun.  Never, ever.  And every once in a while, you're going to break down when you least expect it, for absolutely no reason, just because you want to be out of this club.  

This.Is.My.Life.

But, as has been the routine over the last year, just when I'm feeling down, just when I find myself having one of those nights, God shows up in a big way.

I've been watching the most recent series from Elevation Church called The Power of Same.  It has been great, but today's (well, not really today's, but I watched it today) sermon was powerful.  The title was, "This May Take Awhile."  How fitting.  One of the very first things that really struck me, that made me realize this was going to be a life altering sermon, was this,

"Sometimes the times when you feel the least fruitful are the times when God is preparing you for the greatest gifts He's going to give."

This series has been based off of John 15.  If you haven't read it, you should, but here's a little excerpt.

"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and He prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more."

-John 15:1-2-

The idea is that God prunes, or even cuts off, the parts of our lives that shouldn't be there or need work.  Sometimes it's in obvious ways, sometimes it's not.  In my life?  It's pretty dang obvious.  Infertility has been the thing that has taken the most pruning I think.  I've often seen it as a punishment.  I've wondered, and said more times than I can count, what I did to deserve this.  Am I such a bad person that I don't deserve a baby?

No.  No, it's not a punishment, and no, it's not because I don't deserve it.

It's because of this,

"God was just cutting you back because He's got more in store, and if it's cut back, it's coming back."

God has been pruning and preparing and working and shaping and molding this entire time, so that someday, even if it takes awhile, I will be ready.  So S and I will be ready.

This is the question Pastor Steven asked, "Is this worth my while?  Is this going to make me fruitful?"

I thought about that a lot.  Is this journey with infertility worth my while, is it going to make me fruitful?  Up until now, eh, I'm not sure it has.  I've spent so much time focusing on what I don't have rather than focus on what is coming.  Do I know that in the end a baby is the thing that's coming?  No.  But I do know that God is going to make this worth my while.  I want to be the kind of person that, even in the darkness, I will still find joy.  I will still worship.  I will still praise His name.  He's using this in my life.  It's taken me a long time, and a lot of sermon watching, to figure it out, but He is.

And in the end, this is the most important lesson of all,

"Don't disconnect while He's pruning you.  God is going to make it worth your while."     

How's the baby making?

So, how's the baby making going?

Well.

Simply put, it's not.

In October when we started our first medicated cycle, I imagined 1 of 2 things happening.  Either 1. I would get pregnant before 2014 was over, or 2. if both October and November resulted in failed cycles, we would take December off for traveling and in January I would do an iui (intrauterine insemination) while Sean is gone.

Well, October came and went.  November came and went.  December came and went.  And now here we are.  January 9th, 2015.  In our fourth month of "trying" and no closer to having a baby than when we started.

In a previous post I mentioned that I may end up deciding not to do in iui this month.  As the time came closer and closer, I decided not to do it.  There were a few reasons for that.

1. I didn't know if I had the strength to get through it without S here.  He has been my rock so often during this process, and I just couldn't imagine having to take this big step without him.  Could I do it?  Yes.  Probably.  Maybe.  Do I want to do it?  Absolutely not.

2. Over the last few months, the dreaded "d" word has been tossed around more and more.  With a possible deployment creeping up, my anxiety and fears started to grow.  What if I don't get pregnant? What if I do?  What if I have to wait another year?  What if I have to give birth without him?  All the questions started swirling, and slowly but surely, they settled into my heart until I felt nothing but scared.  Scared that things wouldn't work out.  Scared that they would.  Either I wouldn't get pregnant and I'd have to wait and wait and wait, again, or it would work out and S wouldn't even be here to go through it with me.  If I'm going to do an iui, I want it to be because I'm comfortable with the choice, not because I'm scared.  If I do it only because I'm scared, that shows a lack of faith on my part, and that's not something I'm comfortable with.

3. If I'm going to do an iui, put myself through the cost, the medications, and the possibility of heartbreak, I want it to be because I have 100% faith that it could work.  Not necessarily that it will on try 1, but I want to give myself the best possible odds I can.  I don't think I'm at that point.  After my miscarriage, I was sad.  Out of control, inconsolably sad.  I don't know that I'd say I was depressed necessarily, but things were certainly heading in that direction.  I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.  And then I did, or God did I should say.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I gave it to God, and somehow, someway, I began to heal.  But then.  Then, thing after thing after thing happened.  First it was endometriosis, then it was waiting, then it was surgery, then it was, then it was, then it was.  There.Was.Always.Something.  I put so much of myself into fertility treatments that I put nothing into myself.  While S was deployed, I spent a lot of time in the gym.  That all went away.  Now, I'm ready to fix that.  I feel 1,000% better mentally than I did at this time last year, and I'm ready to put time into me again.  To feel better, to be better.

So what comes next?  Honestly, I don't know.  I'm just really taking these next three weeks to focus on me.  To spend time on myself.  To get healthy.  To not focus on medications and shots and appointments.  We'll see where things stand next month, but for now, I'm just enjoying this.  Me.

I'm scared about the possibly of S deploying and still not being pregnant, but I have a feeling that if I get things in order health wise now, everything will fall into place later.  And in the mean time, I continue to trust that God's plan is greater than mine, and if I haven't gotten pregnant yet, it's for a reason.

Maybe I'll get pregnant this year, maybe I won't.  Either way, I'm choosing to trust and believe and have faith and be JOYFULin2015.      

JOYFULin2015

Who else is shocked that it's already 2015?  I am.  Or I still am I should say.  Three days in and part of me just doesn't believe it.  The other part of me though?

Happy.  Relieved.  Ready.

2014 was tough.  If I listed the hardest years of my life, 2014 would definitely be up there.  So now that we've entered into a new year, I'm happy to put the past behind me and start anew.  At the start of the new year a lot of people make resolutions.  Courtesy of usa.gov, I found a list of the most popular resolutions people make.  Lose weight, volunteer to help others, and quite smoking were at the top of the list.  Get fit, eat healthy, and drink less were also on there.  Seems like a lot of people are interested in being healthier this year.  Does it last though?  Does anyone ever keep those resolutions for 52 weeks, 365 days over the coming year?  I never have, and I'm quite sure I'm not alone.  But I knew I wanted some things to be different this year.

Through some different avenues, I came across this website: http://oneword365.com.

Here's the idea of it.
 

So, I got to thinking.  I didn't want to just choose any word.  I wanted to choose a word that would really encompass what I wanted this year to be.

Do I want to be healthy?
Do I want to be loving?
Do I want to be patient?

The answer to all of those is, yes.  Duh.  Of course I want to be healthy and loving and patient.  There's a lot of things I want to be.  But I went in a different direction.  That direction stemmed from what I felt most in 2014.  Sad.

I want 2015 to be nothing like the previous year.  Sure, I learned a lot.  Sure, it made me grow as a person, as a wife, as a friend, as a Christian.  But last year also made me frustrated, hopeless, and at times even bitter.

So as I turn the page to a new day, a new year, here is what I will strive to be each and every day.

This is the word that I hope shapes my year.  This is what I hope to feel and be.  This is what I want.  More than anything.  Last year brought a long of sad days and tears.  I allowed myself to focus on what wasn't instead of what already was.  I allowed myself to be miserable instead of being thankful. I allowed a lot of discontent instead of choosing happiness even in the sad moments.

This year will be different.

Psalm 30 11-12

11 You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.

    You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,

12 

12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.

    O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever! 

I will take the mourning of 2014 and turn it into joyful dancing in 2015.  

I will recognize that my clothes of mourning of 2014 have been taken away and have been replaced with clothes of joy in 2015. 

I will sing praises to my Heavenly Father and not be silent in 2015.   

I will give thanks in 2015.   

I will be joyful.  

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