Mom shaming

Phew.

It's been awhile, friends.  A lot has happened!

Just over a month ago I moved from Minnesota back to New York!  With my parents' help, I moved into a new townhouse and got everything settled.  Most importantly though, I got to welcome home my husband from his second deployment!!  He has been home about a month now, and it feels so good to be settling into normal life again.

But all that aside, there's been something on my heart for awhile now.

Mom shaming.

I'm not talking about the never ending breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding battle.  I'm not talking about those despicable disposable diapers vs. the far better cloth option (read sarcasm here <---).  I'm definitely not talking about co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping.

I'm talking about age comparisons.

I'm talking about this meme specifically.  Now, let me be clear before I go on, if you are someone that has shared this, I have *no* hard feelings towards you.  At all.  I just think it's an issue that needs to be addressed ;)

So here's the thing.  I'm not a mom.  I'd love to be, but I'm not.  Between having a miscarriage,  finding out I have endometriosis, and being married to someone that I have only seen for MAYBE half of our marriage, having a baby hasn't come easy.  

And in two days I'll be 29.

It's depressing (insert super sad face here).

But that's just the way it is.  

So when I see this meme going around, it stings a little.  

I know young moms are often shamed.  They hear things about how they're giving up their lives, how they can't travel and do "young people" things.  I get it.  I really, really do.  But does that make it ok to then turn and shame people who choose, or more specifically those that don't choose, to wait until later in life to have kids?  No.  It doesn't.  

If you're 20 and have kids, good for you.

If you're 30 and have kids, good for you.

If you're 40 and have kids, well heck, really good for you.  

There is no reason to shame, whether intentionally or unintentionally, another mom, mom to be, or someday mom for how old, or young, they are.  

A mom is a mom, no matter their age.  Did I just go a little Dr. Seuss or what?!

So, here's to you, the mom that's 20 and and hoarding baby bottles instead of vodka bottles.

Here's to you, the mom to be that's 30 and expecting her first baby.

And here's to you, the mom that's nearing 35 and still praying, hoping, longing for a baby of her own.

Here's to you.  

Does God really have a plan?

You want to know the beautiful thing about Facebook?  There's something for everyone.  There's gun lovers pages and pages for fitness gurus and pages for moms and pages for anything and everything under the sun.  It's an incredible way to connect with others like yourself.

For me, this includes being a part of groups specifically for military wives at Fort Drum and groups for those, like myself, that suffer with infertility.

I've learned so much information from these groups.  I'm thankful for them in a number of ways.  I'm also challenged greatly from these groups, specifically those dealing with infertility.

A few days ago on one of these pages, a conversation was started surrounding people's belief in God.  I would say the overall consensus was that these women did believe in God but did not believe in Him having a plan or that our lives are in His hands.

This of course got me to thinking, and so now I pose this question to you.

Here's my thoughts.  And for what it's worth, I've struggled with this greatly over the last two years since I suffered my first and only miscarriage.

God does have a plan.  I don't doubt this.  I know this to be true because it says in Jeremiah 29:11, 

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

That's how I know God has a plan for me.

So then why is it that you have a group of women who seemingly believe in God say they don't believe in His plan or even get offended when someone tells them it's (having a baby) in His timing??

Well.  I have an idea.  But it's probably not a popular one.  

We want God's plan to be, to line up, with what we want, not what He wants.

We have this idea in our minds of how our lives should go.  The things we want, the things we don't want.  The age we should get married, the number of kids we should have, the illnesses we should or shouldn't have to deal with, maybe even the age we live to or how we die.  We plan our lives down to the smallest little thing.  

So what happens when we don't get married at the age we wanted?  What happens if we end up with only two kids instead of the 'perfect' three?  What happens if instead of living a long healthy life, we find out suddenly we have cancer?  

What if our plan is not what God's plan is?

What if God says no to marriage?

What if God says no to kids?

What if God says no to a long healthy life?  

What if God's plan says no when your plan says yes?

Do you still believe? 

Do you still believe that there is a God and that that same God does have a plan for your life?  

Do you?  

I've wrestled with this many, many times myself.

All my life I've dreamt of getting married and having kids.  

I've dreamt of Christmas morning when the kids wake up and see their gifts under the tree.

I've dreamt of family vacations full of laughter and fun.

I've dreamt of asking my kids how their day of school was, even if their response is always, "fine."  

This is the plan I've had.  

But is it God's plan?

Maybe.  But maybe not.  

Maybe God's plan doesn't include those Christmas mornings or vacations or after school chats.

But maybe God's plan is better.

I can say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't suffered a miscarriage, if I hadn't struggled for the last two years with infertility.  I wouldn't be who I am.  And I also know, without a doubt, that I'm a better person because of it.

So can I accept that God's plan might not be my plan?  

Yes.  I can.  Most days.  

Because I've seen God's faithfulness in my life even, and especially when, my plan was not the same as His plan.  I've seen how He's worked in my life even, and especially when, my plan was not the same as His plan. 

So what if God's plan says no when your plan says yes?  

Do you still believe?  

Sunday night ramblings

HI FRIENDS!!!  Wow, has it been a long time or what?!  So much has happened over the last few months, and as always, I have been the worst at updating the blog.  But.  I'm hoping that will change.

So.  What's been going on?

Well, I've settled into my new life in Minnesota as my husband is deployed.  What a huge, huge blessing it has been to be back with my family and friends during this time!  We are just a little bit shy of hitting the halfway mark, and soon we'll be able to start thinking about homecoming.  OH BOY, I CAN'T WAIT!!!  In the meantime though, sweet Hailey Belle and I are hanging out, enjoying this time at home.

And I'm sure this goes without saying, since ya know, my husband is gone, but the journey to Baby Seidler is currently on hold.  Really, if I'm honest, it's been on hold for the better part of 2015, for a lot of different reasons, BUT I've still learned so much over the last, nearly 12 months.

So, let's jump right in.

A few days ago I read this blog by Natasha Metzler, and if you have a chance, it's a good, super quick, read.  This part really stuck out to me though, "It’s easy, when faced with an empty dream, to think, “If I just had this thing…” but it’s a lie. Dear one, did you hear me? It’s a lie. God created us to have relationship with Him. And only in Him will we find enough."

This is something I've struggled with a lot in my journey through infertility.

If only I could have a baby.
If only I didn't have endometriosis.
If only the treatments worked.
If only
If only
If only

The thing is, those statements never end.  There will always be something at the end of that 'if only.'  We are created to want more.  We crave it.  But ultimately, that list of 'if only's' will just keep growing and growing and growing.  

Now fast forward to this morning in church.  We read from 1 Thessalonians 5, verses 16-18.

"Always be joyful.  Never stop praying.  Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."

Did you hear that?  Always be joyful.  Be thankful in all circumstances.

Let me say that again.

Always be joyful.  Be thankful in all circumstances.

It doesn't say be joyful only when times are good.  It doesn't say be thankful only when times are good.

See, that's too easy.  It's too easy to be thankful when everything is good.  When everything is happy. Just as it's too easy to be joyful in those times.

But what about when it's not?

What about when I'm still in the midst of a battle with infertility?  What about when I'm single and don't want to be?  What about when I've lost a family member, a friend, a loved one and I'm facing Christmas without them?  What about then?

Well.

You can still be joyful.  You can still be thankful.

And trust me when I say, I'm writing this for myself as much as anyone else.  Do you think I felt joy or thankfulness when the dr in the ER told me that I had lost my baby?  Um.  No.  I didn't.  So when I say this, please believe that I certainly have not always been able to feel joy and thankfulness during the hard times of my life.  

Then there's the blog I read tonight, which is ultimately what triggered this.

"It’s the lesson I was learning through infertility… the one I was so slow to understand. I needed to stop dreaming and start living the life God had given me."

God has given us everything we need to live a beautiful, fulfilled life, right.where.we.are.

Life is hard.  Can we be honest about that?  Dealing with infertility is hard.  Dealing with deployment is hard.  Trying to navigate through everyday life without wanting to bang my head against the wall every so often is hard.

But God has us in the place we are- where you are, where I am- for a reason, for a very specific purpose.  And it's good.  Oh, it's so good.  If we would just start living in it.  If we would just stop living in the 'if only' moments that we create in our minds.

If only I could have a baby.
If only I didn't have endometriosis.
If only the treatments worked.
If only
If only
If only

If only.

Friends, today I encourage you to stop living in the 'if only' moments.  Stop living for a tomorrow that hasn't even happened yet.  Stop living for the days, weeks, months, maybe even years ahead, that only God knows about.  Start living in today.  The here.  The now.  The moments that matter, and truthfully, the only moments you have, because as it says in Proverbs 27:1, "Don't brag about tomorrow, since you don't know what the day will bring."  Start being thankful and joyful in not just the good times, but the hard times too.  In the seasons where you're looking to God wondering why.  Start living your life the way God intended for it to be lived.  

Who would you have been?

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I figured this was as good a day as any to get the ole blog going again.

Rather than sharing the more common pink and blue ribbon, I posted this on my instagram and Facebook today.

I'll be honest, I'm not one of those that thinks about my would have been baby every day.  In fact, I go long periods of time without thinking of him/her at all.  When I think about it, I get sad.  I don't like to be sad, so for me, it's easier just to not.  You know what I mean?  But regardless, I will always and forever wonder who that baby would have been.

Would he have been the star of the football team?  
Would she have been the little bookwork that I am?  
Would I have dressed him in the cutest little preppy clothes that I'm sure S would hate?  
Would I have dressed her with bows bigger than her head? <--- YES.  Without a doubt, yes ;)

I don't compare my situation to others, because we all have very unique, individual stories and testimonies, but when I think about the heartache others have suffered that I *know*, or at least imagine, has to have been worse than what I've been through, my heart hurts so much.

To the mom that carried her twins to 30 weeks only to find no heartbeat and have to deliver them stillborn...
To the dad that held his wife's hand and hugged her tight as the ultrasound showed no heartbeat...
To the couple that delivered a baby only to lose him/her hours later...

Today is for you.

Although not everyone has been through what you, me, we, have been through, we all hurt together.

We take today to remember those sweet ones that were just too precious for this earth and think about who you would have been.

Baby Seidler, I miss you always.  I know you would've been awesome.

Surrender

As always, my blogging as been so sporadic as of late.  When there's nothing new going on, it just seems pointless to share what will inevitably turn out to be a page full of rambling, so I just avoid it.  But I imagine as we inch closer to S deploying, that will surely change ;)

Anyways.

In the last few weeks we were able to spend some time in Chicago and Minnesota with our friends and families over leave.  It was SO great being home and seeing everyone, as it always is, but leaving was a little bittersweet this time.  During our time in MN, I kept thinking that the next time I'm home, S won't be coming with me.  The only other time that's happened was during his first deployment.  And here we are again.  It's pretty heartbreaking to think about.

Anyways, again.

While we were home, we were able to drive up to the church that I consider home.  It was where I really grew up.  Became who I am, and I always love being back.  There's just something about being there again.  Even though I don't recognize most of the faces anymore, there's a certain level of comfort and peace that comes over me when I walk into that building.  I've only heard their {newish} pastor a few times since he's been there, but the message he gave that day was really, really good.  I didn't even really have time to process it until yesterday because of how crazy and busy our weeks were while we traveled.  So yesterday I sat down and rewatched the sermon.

Oh boy.

There was some good stuff in there.

Basically, he talked about surrendering our lives to God.  This is something I really struggle with, as I'm sure most people do if they really admit it.  One of the first things he asked was what might God ask of me if I surrender my life 100% to Him?

Do I really want to know?
Would I even be willing to do it?

Here's the thing.  Maybe I don't want to know what would happen if I surrendered to Him completely.  Maybe I wouldn't even be willing to do whatever it was if it really came down to it.  But.  What if I was?  What if I knew that when I surrendered, Jesus would lead me to what is best?  What if I knew that when I surrendered, when I honored Jesus with my life, He would honor me?  Then would I be willing?

As with most things in my life these days, I started thinking of this idea of surrender and how it relates to my struggle with infertility.  I'm 21 months post miscarriage and still no closer to having a baby today than I was then.  Over the last, maybe 6 or so, months, this has become incredibly frustrating to me.  I really began thinking that maybe, just maybe, a baby isn't in my future.  Maybe it will just be S, our sweet pup Hailey, my stepsons, and me in our family.  Maybe I just needed to accept that and move on.  And maybe that's true.  Maybe.  But maybe it isn't.

I did a Google search of what it means to surrender to God and came across an article written by Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life.  In it he wrote this, surrendering your life means waiting on God's timing, expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide, and trusting God's purpose without understanding the circumstances.

I've said throughout this whole journey that I don't really understand it.  Why do I have to go through this?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  Why does it have to be so hard?  But maybe part of the reason I've never understood is because I've never surrendered it to God.  I've tried to control it, push it, make it happen, but have I ever really surrendered to His plan?  If I'm honest, no.  Not even a little.

And then at the end of the passage, it said this,

"Genuine surrender says, "Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose in my life or someone else's life, please don't take it away!""

Oh, God, I pray that be true in my life.

For whatever reason, whatever purpose, this is the life I've been given.  And I'm learning that, even in the darkest of times, it's a beautiful life that God is asking me to let go of and give to Him.  No matter the cost.

The 'D' Word

Gosh, has it been forever since I blogged or what?!  Lots has been happening in the month since my last post!

At the end of May, S flew down to Arizona to pick up his boys and bring them back to NY for the summer.  It has been crazy having two high energy boys around all day long, but it has been fun!  Definitely teaching me a thing or two about patience ;)

We also got hit with the big "D" word last week.  In a normal person's world, that usually means divorce.  Not here.  In our world, it means deployment :(

So yeah, we're heading down that road again.  I'm not ready.  Nowhere near ready actually.  I don't think there's ever a way to be ready for something like this, but it's coming whether I'm ready or not.  With his first deployment, I totally embraced the saying ignorance is bliss.  I had no expectations of what it would be like, but this time I know.  And it sucks.

To be honest, I'm a lot more scared this time than I was last time.  Maybe it's because I know the danger he'll be in.  Maybe it's because I know him and how he'd give up his own life to save someone else.  Maybe it's because we've done the army thing long enough now that I know people that have lost spouses or friends doing exactly what he's being sent off to do.  And it's scary.  Really, really scary.

We still have a little time together, but I know the weeks will fly by and before I know it, we'll be saying 'see you later' again.  Walking away from him knowing I wouldn't see him again for 9 months was hands down the hardest thing I've done in my life, and I'm about to do it again.  Somehow I have to get ready.  Somehow I'll have to do it.  I don't know how I will.

So, everything else is on the back burner for now.  All I can do is get through the next days and months in this new chapter of our lives.  

I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but these days I feel like my breaking point is just around the corner.

When you're a momma to an angel... Mother's Day 2015.

I've never been one to wish time away.  Days, weeks, months, whatever, I usually try to take advantage of every day I'm given.  Even when S was deployed, I didn't want to waste my whole first year in NY crying and simply waiting for the day he was home again.

But then last night, something hit me like a ton of bricks.  You know that feeling?  That overwhelming, can't deny it, and kind of don't want to deal with it ton of bricks feeling?

Mother's Day.  Sunday is Mother's Day.

I've always loved that there's a day devoted entirely to moms.  They deserve it, don't they?  If your mom is anything like my mom, then the answer is yes.  Over and over again, the answer would be yes.

But this year is different.

This is the first Mother's Day that I should be getting to participate in.  Instead, I'm thinking I want to stick my head in the sand and wait for the day to ever so slowly, but surely, pass.  I want to open a tub of ice cream and stay off of Facebook and Instagram and wait until all the Mother's Day posts are over.  I want to scream and cry and hide in my bed.  I want to have my baby here.

But none of that can happen.

I've come so far since the miscarriage.  I've learned to accept what was, what is, what will be.  I've come to terms with not throwing a first birthday party, not watching them go to kindergarten, not loving on them every day I'm given.  I've learned to be thankful for the trials because without them, I'm not me.

But there's something about Mother's Day, a day that you should get to celebrate, but yet again, for another year, you can't.  A day when you are suddenly overwhelmed with thinking about what might have been but isn't.  A day when you think about the sweet baby boy or baby girl that was only with you for what seemed like the blink of an eye.

And it hurts.  It all just hurts.

When you're a momma to an angel, nobody sends you a Happy Mother's Day text.  No cards are bought or flowers given, because at the end of the day, that precious baby only exists in your mind and heart.  There's no evidence that they were ever real.  There's no baby screaming when they're hungry or cuddles when they're sad.  There's no sleepless nights or dirty diapers to change.

There's only a whisper of what was that is swept away with the wind, with another passing day.

When you're a momma to an angel, you're only a mother in your mind, in your heart, but to the rest of the world, you're just another person.  Childless.