Feeling blah.

Do you ever those days where life just seems kind of daunting?

Maybe it's the weather.  Maybe it's having been stuck inside for several days now.  Maybe it's that I'm always doped up on some kind of medicine.  Maybe it's just that I so badly want to be home, MN home, now instead of in a month from now.  Whatever it is, I'm just feeling kind of blah.

I'm sure someone out there can relate.

I'm feeling frustrated that a girl can punch me in the face and suffer no consequence.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with the possibility of moving in the next year.
I'm feeling scared, nervous, worried, scarednervousworried about the options that have been presented for said move.
And to say that I'm feeling overwhelmed by doing fertility treatments month after month after month would be an understatement.

I just want a baby so badly.  I just want to not have to worry about it anymore.  I just want to feel like a normal person.  I want to feel like my body isn't disappointing me.  I want to feel like I'm not disappointing my husband.

Those are the things you don't think about or know about when you start fertility treatments.  Something that is so natural, so normal, is completely foreign to your own body.  Pregnancy goes back to the beginning of time.  If there's anything in the world that is normal, it's pregnancy.  So why can't it happen for me?  Why is it so easy for everyone else, but just not for me?  Why.  Why.  Why.

Sometimes I sit and think about this.  I try not to.  I try so desperately to just trust and believe that there is a plan, that God has a plan.  I know it's true.  I know He does.  But still.  I'd love to know why.

The thing is though, so many blessings have come out of this journey.  I can't begin to tell you the number of people I've had reach out to me and say, "I get it.  I know what you're going through.  I'm there, I'm going through it too."  It hurts my heart every time.  I don't want anyone else to know this pain.  I don't want anyone else to know this hurt and this heartache.  But each time I also get the, "You've been such an encouragement to me.  Your strength is incredible."

Maybe that's the reason I have to go through this.  Maybe it's simply about giving encouragement to someone else.  Maybe it's to understand what someone else is going through when so many others can't.

Whatever the reason, I just need to be ok with it.  And I am.  It probably doesn't seem like it, but I am.  Everyone has a burden they must bear, this is mine.  I've been given it for a reason.  So as much as it hurts my heart, and I struggle, and I cry, and I wish I didn't have to go through this anymore... I will.  I will everyday, because I know that God's plan is so much greater than mine, and someday, please God someday, I know this will be worth it.  It just has to be.