Cycle 1 results?

The last two weeks, or two week wait as it's commonly referred to, have been a complete roller coaster.  This cycle of trying was so very different than previous ones.  I was in a better mind set.  I was hopeful.  I was encouraged.  Overall, I just felt good.  That was a feeling I hadn't had in awhile, so it was very welcomed.

Today, that roller coaster came crashing down.

First cycle=failure.

The thing is, I expected it.  I knew.  But it still hurts.  My heart still feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces.  I feel that undercurrent of hopelessness and defeatedness (not a word, I know) creeping in.  I already feel the months slipping away.  I feel a looming future that is not in our favor.  I feel the disappointment greater than ever.

I know it's only month 1.  I know it takes time.  I know it can still happen.  I know it all.  Unfortunately, my heart isn't getting that message.

What makes it even worse is when the nurse who calls to deliver the devastation says, "If it hasn't happened on its own, it probably won't."  Meaning... fork over the money, and quickly.  Meaning, you're just delaying the inevitable.  Meaning, you're wasting months of trying when it won't happen anyways.

And that, my friends, is when the tears really started flowing.  I imagined myself being ok with this.  Ok with knowing that this is all in God's timing.  Ok with knowing that at month one, even under the greatest of circumstances, it often doesn't happen right away.

But still.

I let that teeny, tiny part of me, the smallest part that you could ever imagine, believe that this might work.  It.Just.Might.Work.  And yet it didn't.  It just didn't.

Today though, despite my million piece shattered heart, and greater than I imagined disappointment, I'm choosing to be thankful and joyful.  I'm choosing to rest in the fact that despite everything that is working against us, God does have a plan.  I'm choosing to believe that at some point in time, I will be here announcing the greatest blessing that I will have ever been given.

We'll see.

Right this second though?  I'm going to curl up with my sweet Hailey girl and let the tears fall until there are no more.