Just when I think I've got this, I've got my feelings, my emotions, my life, under control, something comes and knocks me off my feet.
Is life ever easy though? I doubt it. If it is, I have yet to experience that. And if it isn't, just isn't ever easy at any point, well, then that kinda stinks. But I suppose we'll all just keep trucking along. Yes?
Anyways.
I got the dreaded call today.
Still?
Again?
I don't know anymore.
My heart hurts. My mind hurts. Everything just kind of hurts. Not like a physical hurt, but more of an ache I guess. An ache for something I want so badly but keep not getting. Month after month after month.
The thing is, as much as my heart hurts, I still just have so much faith. Faith that something, anything, is going to work. That eventually, eventually, I will get to hold a sweet baby, my own baby, in my arms. That the pain will go away. That the hurt will go away. That the ache will go away.
Will it? Will it go away? God, please. I hope so. I pray so.
Even in the midst of this hurt, this ache, I just so badly want my story, this whole journey, to bring glory to God. I am constantly reminded of God's faithfulness, and that faithfulness hasn't gone away just because I didn't get the news I wanted. I know that despite the tears that fall, God is right there saying, "I understand. I understand your hurt. I'm going to make it better."
Some of you might call me crazy. Why, after all of this, after all the pain and hurt, why would I keep trusting in a God that hasn't given me what I wanted? It's so simple though. It's not about what I want. It's about what God wants for me. I know I'm going to have a baby. I just know it. Someday, someway, I'm going to. And until then, I'm just going to keep trusting that God has my best future in store. That the best days are yet to come.
And that maybe, just maybe, life might {easy} one day.
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