It's now been one week since I found out our second Letrozole cycle had failed. I've had a lot of questions swirling around in my head since then, but I really haven't focused on them too much. I've been home in MN, so I've really just been soaking up all the family time I can and trying not to dwell on unhappy thoughts for now.
But, for the moment, the house is quiet, S is at the gym, and it's given me some time to really think and process. Which brings me to this...
What's next?
I realize that in the world of infertility, two failed cycles is nothing. Really, really nothing. It's not necessarily the two failed cycles that's getting to me, it's that I got pregnant so easily last time. Right after S came home from deployment actually. Just a few weeks after his homecoming I found out, so it's hitting me a little hard that there seems to be such a struggle in this. It's not that I didn't expect it, it's just I had hoped it wouldn't happen.
But, that hasn't been the case, at least thus far. So what is next? For now, nothing. December is just an infertility, medication, shot, dr appt free month. So far, I'm loving it! It's been so great not to feel bound by taking medications or shots or dr's appts. It's been nice to have to think about it at all. I'm able to enjoy, truly enjoy, every second that I'm home with my family without the side effects or schedule of the medications. It's just really good.
For the longest time I had said that if this last cycle failed, December would be a break, since we were traveling, and in January we would do an iui. S will be away doing training, so we'd freeze his sperm prior to his leaving and I'd go through the process without him.
Now I'm rethinking that.
For the last several months my gym time has been lacking. When I go to the gym, I like to get a good, quality workout in, but thanks to surgeries and medications and side effects of said medications, that just hasn't happened. This week though, I've been taking full advantage of not being on any meds and spending a lot of time in the gym. I won't blame my meds 100% for any weight gain I've had, but they've certainly played a role in it. The other day S and I talked about not doing an iui in January and really focusing on getting healthy again. No meds, no foreign things in my body, more time in the gym, and healthy eating. Last October when I found out I was pregnant, it was a time in my life that I was the most healthy I've been in a long while. What does a wife do for months on end waiting for her husband to get back from Afghanistan after all? Workout. Lots of working out. I don't think it's a coincidence that I got pregnant then and haven't since. So, maybe two months of health are what the dr {hasn't} called for. At the very least it can't hurt, right?
No plans are set in stone, and as anyone in the infertility world knows, plans can go just as fast as they came, but for now at least, I think this is the direction we'll go in. It terrifies me a little bit with the possibility of a deployment looming, but I can't stress about it. I know that God is bigger than any plans I have or S has or anyone has really, so the best I can do is just continue to pray and know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.
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