Cycle 2

Well, cycle 2 is officially underway.  Yesterday I had an appt, and at the end I started asking all sorts of questions.

We're going out of town, what do we do?
What if this doesn't work?
What happens next cycle?
What about January when my husband is gone?
What...
Why...
How...
When...

You think it, I asked it.

I pretty much realized that I had already marked this cycle as a big fat X before it even had a chance to be a +.  I think I'm doing it to avoid any heartache.  It's hard to want something so badly it hurts only to not get it over.  And over.  And over.

I'm trying though.  I'm trying to think positive thoughts and be excited and hope for the best.  I'm trying to remember that God has a plan.  I'm trying to remember that someday, sometime, it will happen.  And it will be good.  And it will be in His absolute perfect timing.  I'm trying.

But it's hard.

Somebody tell me you get it, you understand what I'm saying.

But today is a new day.  And thankfully, this day started out AMAZING!  I'm not going to share why quite yet, but today is good.  Really, really good!

So instead of focusing on what might not happen, I'm choosing to focus on all the good things.  I'm choosing to remember all the things I have been blessed with and all the things I have to be thankful for.  I'm choosing joy instead of sorrow.  I'm choosing happiness instead of frustration.  I'm choosing hope instead of fear.  I'm choosing life instead of sadness.  I'm choosing the truth of Jesus instead of the lies of Satan.  

Today is a new day.  And it's a good one.

 

Feeling blah.

Do you ever those days where life just seems kind of daunting?

Maybe it's the weather.  Maybe it's having been stuck inside for several days now.  Maybe it's that I'm always doped up on some kind of medicine.  Maybe it's just that I so badly want to be home, MN home, now instead of in a month from now.  Whatever it is, I'm just feeling kind of blah.

I'm sure someone out there can relate.

I'm feeling frustrated that a girl can punch me in the face and suffer no consequence.
I'm feeling overwhelmed with the possibility of moving in the next year.
I'm feeling scared, nervous, worried, scarednervousworried about the options that have been presented for said move.
And to say that I'm feeling overwhelmed by doing fertility treatments month after month after month would be an understatement.

I just want a baby so badly.  I just want to not have to worry about it anymore.  I just want to feel like a normal person.  I want to feel like my body isn't disappointing me.  I want to feel like I'm not disappointing my husband.

Those are the things you don't think about or know about when you start fertility treatments.  Something that is so natural, so normal, is completely foreign to your own body.  Pregnancy goes back to the beginning of time.  If there's anything in the world that is normal, it's pregnancy.  So why can't it happen for me?  Why is it so easy for everyone else, but just not for me?  Why.  Why.  Why.

Sometimes I sit and think about this.  I try not to.  I try so desperately to just trust and believe that there is a plan, that God has a plan.  I know it's true.  I know He does.  But still.  I'd love to know why.

The thing is though, so many blessings have come out of this journey.  I can't begin to tell you the number of people I've had reach out to me and say, "I get it.  I know what you're going through.  I'm there, I'm going through it too."  It hurts my heart every time.  I don't want anyone else to know this pain.  I don't want anyone else to know this hurt and this heartache.  But each time I also get the, "You've been such an encouragement to me.  Your strength is incredible."

Maybe that's the reason I have to go through this.  Maybe it's simply about giving encouragement to someone else.  Maybe it's to understand what someone else is going through when so many others can't.

Whatever the reason, I just need to be ok with it.  And I am.  It probably doesn't seem like it, but I am.  Everyone has a burden they must bear, this is mine.  I've been given it for a reason.  So as much as it hurts my heart, and I struggle, and I cry, and I wish I didn't have to go through this anymore... I will.  I will everyday, because I know that God's plan is so much greater than mine, and someday, please God someday, I know this will be worth it.  It just has to be.  

Crazy lady and snow

Boy has it been an interesting few days, or week I guess I should say.

Let's just back it up to last Wednesday.  Beta test (aka pregnancy test) day.

After I got the call from the nurse saying my test was negative, I was in a pretty foul mood.  I was irritable.  I was sad.  I was just overall grumpy.

Luckily, I have an amazing husband.  He can always make me laugh, no matter what kind of mood I'm in.  Later that night, I was feeling a lot better.

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last long.  S and I needed to run to Walmart, and somewhere in the mile from Walmart to our house, a crazy lady found the need to further ruin my day.

Here's the short version:

1. Crazy lady thinks S is tailgating her.
2. Crazy lady slams on her brakes and swerves into the middle of the road to prevent us from going around her.
2. We park in our spot in front of our house.
3. Crazy lady follows us and comes within an inch of hitting our car.
5. I say, "What is wrong with you!!"
6. Crazy lady punches me.

I think that about sums it up.  Like I said, CRAZY lady.

Immediately after it happened and the next morning.  

  

At first, I just had a cut and giant nose.  Little did I know, I would get even prettier -_- 

A few days later, I developed this awesome bruising.  Pretty, right?! 

Thankfully, the bruising is finally starting to go away, as are the headaches.  My nose is still pretty tender as well as my teeth, but other than that, things seems to be healing quite nicely.  I'm just incredibly thankful that my nose wasn't broken, although seeing her go to jail on an assault charge would have been nice.  

Since then, I've been trying to get my medications for cycle 2 ordered, which has proven to be no easy task.  Though I can't say I'm surprised as cycle 1 was incredibly difficult.  Things seem to be moving in the right direction though, so I'm sure it will all work out!

Other than that, S and I spent our day completely snowed in.  Hailey is loving it, though I can't say the same for her poor paws.  I think I just might get her some doggy shoes this year :)

So there you have it.

Not pregnant.
Get punched.
Get snowed in.

Boy, oh boy, is it December yet?  I sure am ready to spend some much needed time in Minnesota with my family!

Cycle 1 results?

The last two weeks, or two week wait as it's commonly referred to, have been a complete roller coaster.  This cycle of trying was so very different than previous ones.  I was in a better mind set.  I was hopeful.  I was encouraged.  Overall, I just felt good.  That was a feeling I hadn't had in awhile, so it was very welcomed.

Today, that roller coaster came crashing down.

First cycle=failure.

The thing is, I expected it.  I knew.  But it still hurts.  My heart still feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces.  I feel that undercurrent of hopelessness and defeatedness (not a word, I know) creeping in.  I already feel the months slipping away.  I feel a looming future that is not in our favor.  I feel the disappointment greater than ever.

I know it's only month 1.  I know it takes time.  I know it can still happen.  I know it all.  Unfortunately, my heart isn't getting that message.

What makes it even worse is when the nurse who calls to deliver the devastation says, "If it hasn't happened on its own, it probably won't."  Meaning... fork over the money, and quickly.  Meaning, you're just delaying the inevitable.  Meaning, you're wasting months of trying when it won't happen anyways.

And that, my friends, is when the tears really started flowing.  I imagined myself being ok with this.  Ok with knowing that this is all in God's timing.  Ok with knowing that at month one, even under the greatest of circumstances, it often doesn't happen right away.

But still.

I let that teeny, tiny part of me, the smallest part that you could ever imagine, believe that this might work.  It.Just.Might.Work.  And yet it didn't.  It just didn't.

Today though, despite my million piece shattered heart, and greater than I imagined disappointment, I'm choosing to be thankful and joyful.  I'm choosing to rest in the fact that despite everything that is working against us, God does have a plan.  I'm choosing to believe that at some point in time, I will be here announcing the greatest blessing that I will have ever been given.

We'll see.

Right this second though?  I'm going to curl up with my sweet Hailey girl and let the tears fall until there are no more.