I am {not} a failure.

"The enemy keeps telling me I'm a failure," he wrote.  "I know it's not true.  I know what the Bible says, that I'm a conqueror, but it's like the proof keeps stacking up, and I can't refute it.  How many times can I fail before I have to admit, you know what, maybe I actually am a failure?"

-Steven Furtick, Crash the Chatterbox-

Infertility, heck, life, has a way of knocking you down.  This is something I've struggled with since I first lost my sweet baby in October of 2013.  Everyone told me it wasn't my fault.  I couldn't have done anything differently to change the outcome.  I wasn't a failure.  But that's not how I felt.  It was my loss, my miscarriage, my body.  Nobody else did that, I did, or rather my body did.

Most days, I know it's not my fault.  But in a hard time, a moment of weakness, I feel it in every part of me.  It.Was.My.Fault.  I am a failure.  

Over the course of the last year as I learned I have cysts, endometriosis, and will likely struggle with infertility for the rest of my life, the idea that I am a failure has been reinforced over. and over. and over.  If I didn't do something to cause this, I must have done something to deserve it, so no matter which way you look at it, it.is.my.fault.  I am a failure.  

I'm failing myself.
I'm failing my husband.
I'm failing my family.

Nobody can feel the weight of that but me.  It's my body.  My body, my problem, my failure.

I read that opening paragraph by Steven Furtick yesterday morning.  I loved it immediately.  How many times have I said the same exact thing to myself and to S?  How many times have I felt that very thing, that I am a failure, over the last year?  Countless.  It's almost engrained into who I am at this point.
  
Then, last night I was reading The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins when I came across a section on the character's struggle with infertility that really jumped out at me.  It again toyed with the idea that if you suffer from infertility, you must be a failure, or at the very least, feel like it.

"I was still young, there was still plenty of time, but failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope."  "Tom didn't feel the way I did.  It wasn't his failure, for starters, and in any case, he didn't need a child like I did."       

That's the thing about failure, it's not just a feeling.  It's overwhelming.  It starts to take over who you are.  It starts to become who you are.
 
But the truth is, I'm not a failure.

My body may have failed me.  It may continue to fail me.  But I am not a failure.  That's not who I am.

The definition of failure is 'an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful.'  Did you see that?  An instance of failing.  One moment.  That's it.  That moment, that instance, of failure does not have to define me.  It does not have to be who I am or who I become.

And really, if I'm a failure, then what does that say about my Creator?  Did He make me to be a failure?

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." 

-Psalm 139:13-14-

No, He certainly didn't make me as a failure.  I was fearfully and wonderfully made when He created me.  And although my body may fail me in an instance, that's all there is to it.

I am not a failure.

DIY rustic headboard

Somehow in the middle of driving an hour to Syracuse every other day for my appointments, we managed to buy a new bed.  YAY!!  The one we had was getting quite old and quite uncomfortable.  Initially we thought we'd just get a queen, same as our old, but in the end we bought a king so we could fit the two of us and Hailey, our dog, because we like our space ;) Either way, we were going to need a new headboard.  Since we had already spent a good chunk on the actual bed itself, plus needing new bedding, I wasn't keen on paying $150+ just for a headboard.  I searched Pinterest and after tons of looking and reading blogs, this is what we came up with.  I'm completely in love with it, and for a total of under $50, I'm SO happy we decided to make it ourselves rather than shelling out the cash.  Plus, S got to use the new saw he got for Christmas, so that was a plus, obviously ;) 

For the wood we bought 2 2x4 and 5 2x6 boards.  I believe they were pine, but S did the buying, so I'm not 100% sure.  Each 2x6 was around the $4 mark though.  

We had already decided we wanted the height of the headboard (from the floor to the top) to be 55 inches and the width would be the same as the bed, so 76 inches.  

Once all the wood was home, we laid them out how we wanted them to be once they were put together and marked each one 1-5.  S then measured each one and cut and sanded them to have a more finished, smooth look.  He also marked and drilled the holes on each 2x6 where they would later be screwed into the 2x4's.  In total there were 20 holes, 4 per board.

   

When he finished sanding each board, he'd bring it in to me where I'd stain it.  We decided on a dark walnut color to keep it a nice, rustic brown.  Each 2x6 got 3 coats of stain, and each 2x4 got 2 coats.

  

After they were dried, we laid everything out to make sure it looked how we wanted to.  When it looked how we wanted to, each 2x6 got screwed onto the 2x4's.  

We then brought it upstairs and using nuts and bolts, it got fastened onto the bed frame.  

And that was basically it!  It seems to be pretty sturdy and was really very simple to make, mostly just time consuming.  This could be done with 1 person, but having us both work on it was really nice.  Overall, I'm obsessed and completely happy with the end result!!

Two weeks in the life of...

Infertility.
It's not what you think.
On the surface, it's the struggle to get pregnant.  Or, not being able to get pregnant at all.  Maybe.

In reality?  It's this.

5 appointments.
12 1/2 hours spent driving to and from appointments.
5 blood draws.
5 ultrasounds.
4 oral medications daily.
3 suppositories.
5 husband-assisted stomach shots.
$130 spent on prescriptions.
Countless phone calls to doctor's office and pharmacy.

Phew.  I'm tired just looking at that.  And thinking about how much time I've spent in the car in the last, not even, two weeks.  I could be more than half way to Minnesota by now ;)

This is my life ladies and gents, in all it's beautifully imperfect infertile glory.

.
.
.
.
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It will be worth it.

It will be worth it.

It will be worth it.....

Will it be worth it?

It.Will.Be.Worth.It. 

Hot flashes, headaches, and bloating, OH MY!

In the past I haven't given many updates during a cycle as to how I've been feeling, how the meds are affecting me, etc.  I've done overall updates on the cycle and on my appointments, but nothing super specific.  The further we get into this crazy journey however, the more I'm finding I want to document it.  Someday, I'm hoping I can show our baby what we went through to get them here.  And since this is day 3 of my meds, I'm wishing I would have remembered how truly miserable this can be, so there's a good reason to write it down too, right? ;)

Ok, so, day 3.

Thursday night I started my third round of Letrozole.  This one is taken to aid in egg growth and quality.  Friday I added in two more meds that are new this cycle.  I can barely pronounce them, let alone understand what they do, and even with all my googling, their purposes are still fuzzy.  But I'm fairly sure they do in fact do something!

When I was at the dr's office on Thursday, the nurse was going over my meds and said to start two of them on Friday because if I take them too late in the day, I'll wake up at 3 in the morning wide awake, ready to go.  Well.... oops.  Yeah, that's actually a thing.  Apparently her warning didn't help.  So last night I woke up from a deep sleep and thus began a long night of being awake but being so tired you feel like you're sleeping.  I'm not sure how much sleep I actually got, but you can bet I took my meds earlier tonight!

Other than that, the only side effects I've experienced have been hot flashes, major bloating resulting in a tight wedding ring, and an annoying headache that just never seems to leave.  But if this is the worst of it, at least for now, well that's ok by me.

And since this seems to be a pretty accurate depiction of my life these days, just replace ear ache with baby, I leave you with this.

   

Cycle 3 is underway!

Alright, so we're officially back in the 'too many doctors appointments, more needle pokes that I like in a week, and lots of medications that I can barely pronounce let alone know what they do' stage of making Baby Seidler.

Yesterday I had my baseline blood work and ultrasound to see where things were at and if I could go ahead with starting the medications.  The only concern the nurse had was a cyst on one of my ovaries.  She thought it was probably just a post-ovulatory cyst though.  At the end of the appt, she told me to start my medications and I never got a call saying any different, so I'm assuming the cyst isn't producing enough estrogen to make a difference, so that's great!

In the past, I've done 2 identical cycles.  5 days of Letrozole (helps with ovulation) and a trigger shot (forces ovulation) later in the cycle.  I was happy with starting there, but being this is our third cycle, it was time for something else.  The nurse assured me that the things we're doing this time are a great step up from the last two cycles.  I asked her if there's a chance that this will work or if I'm wasting my time, and again, she assured me that I'm not wasting my time.  Of course there's no guarantee that it will work, and that's not even what I'm looking for, but I want to know that I'm not putting myself through all of this for absolutely no reason.

The other day, when I initially said we'd be starting treatment again, I was pretty down.  I wasn't into it, and to be honest, I didn't want to start again.  But I did anyways.  One of the biggest reasons for me is that we won't be here at Fort Drum forever.  I trust my doctor, and I know that he's really good at what he does, so the longer I can be in his care, trying to get/being pregnant, the better.  Now that I'm back in the saddle though, I'm feeling good about it.  I guess it's kind of like when you start working out for the first time.  It sucks at first, it's more of a forced thing you do because you know you should, but after awhile, it becomes good, it becomes routine.  That's where I'm at now.  I'm sorting through pills and reading over treatment plans and spending lots of time driving back and forth to Syracuse, but if this is what it takes to get a sweet baby in my arms, I'll do it.

Right at this moment, I'm feeling... cautiously optimistic.  I'm certainly not walking around with rose colored glasses thinking, or knowing, that this is going to work, but if I don't have at least a little hope, then I shouldn't be doing it.  I'm also still working hard to get healthy again, so I'm hoping that will help as well.  At the very least, it can't hurt.

So that's where we're at for now.

I'm praying for good things over these next few weeks and still trusting that God's hand is at work here.  For whatever reason, I'm going through this, and as much as it truly sucks and is heartbreaking at times, God is using it.  He has used it and will continue to do so, I have no doubt.

Crazy, beautiful journey

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

So often I come on here to share those moments that I've been really encouraged, and that's great.  I love those moments.  They are uplifting to me, and I've found they've been uplifting to others as well.  But it's not often that I share my struggles.

And.Struggle.I.Do.

It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I feel I've become {mostly} ok with my situation.  Where I've {mostly} accepted that this is my story, my future.  But there are those moments, those days, where I cannot deal.  I don't know how.  I don't want to.  I just want it to end.

Yesterday was that moment, that day.

My frustration wasn't so much about the whole not being pregnant yet thing, although I suppose I wouldn't be feeling this way if I was, but it was more about just not wanting to do anymore fertility treatments.

No more drives to Syracuse.
No more needles.
No more blood draws.
No more frustrating phone calls with pharmacies.
No more medications.
No more of any of it.

These last few months have been so good not worrying about or dealing with any of that stuff.  I just had fun.  I focused on me for once and not on my inability to get pregnant.  It was amazing.  Truly amazing.  Yesterday that came crashing down, and at a time when I wasn't really expecting it to.

Then last night I got to thinking about it all, and I realized that while my frustration and fear is partly due to not wanting to start with treatments again, it's also partly about the end.  What happens if in the end, I put my body, my mind, my emotions through all of this, and I still don't get what I want?

I've said so many times that God has a plan.  I believe that, I know that, I trust that wholeheartedly.  But somewhere in my mind, I've always trusted that, no matter the length of time it took to get there, that plan would end in me having a baby.  It just would.  Last night it dawned on me that 'the plan', God's plan, the one I've been believing and trusting, might not end the way I want it to, the way I've always imagined it would.  It just might not.

So yeah, yesterday was a hard day.

But something really beautiful came out of it.  While I felt so upset and so defeated, I also felt extremely encouraged.  I am SO thankful for each one of you that has sent a message saying you understand what I'm going through, saying you're praying for me, or just left a note letting me know you're thinking of me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.  I don't know what this month, next month, or the rest of this year will hold.  But I do know that this journey has taken me to unexpected places and brought people into my life in unexpected ways.  I don't always understand it, I certainly don't always like it, but in the end, I'm thankful for it.  In some crazy, I don't get it at all, kind of way, it's beautiful journey I'm on.    

So here's to cycle 3 of fertility treatments.  May you pass quickly and not mess with my emotions too much ;)
       

Here we go. Again.

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10-

Today, I am weak.  My spirit is weak.  My faith is weak.  My mind is numb, and well, weak.

I have not stepped foot in my doctor's office in 3 1/2 months.  Those were some glorious months I had.  No needle pokes, no ultrasounds, no defeating news, nothing.  All of it was forgotten.

Until today.

Today I went in to have an ultrasound and blood work done and to talk to them about what the plan might be for moving forward.  When I walked in, the receptionist immediately said she needed to talk to me and quickly let me know that my insurance no longer covers the monitoring (blood work and ultrasounds) for iui (intrauterine insemination) cycles.  Prior to Jan 1, the cost of an iui was roughly $300.  Now they're tipping the scale at $900.  At the end of 2014, an iui would have been our next step.  That's all but out of the question now.  I realize a lot of people do it.  Somehow they come up with the money.  They save.  They stop going out to eat and seeing movies and spending money in places it doesn't need to be spent.  Not me.  I can't justify spending over $900 on something that has a low chance of working anyways when we have car payments and school loans and the need for S to see his boys this summer.  It just can't happen.

So, this appointment was off to a rocky start.

I'll spare you the details of the blood work and u/s, but after they were done, my nurse for today helped me come up with a plan.  I wasn't fully prepared to start with all the medications, etc right away.  I've so enjoyed my time off that the thought of starting again just hasn't appealed to me.  But that's where we are.  I can't even begin to tell you what all I'll be doing and taking and injecting into my body because, truthfully, I don't know.  So many names of medications were rattled off that I just sat back and decided to trust that she knows what she's talking about.  I'll cross the bridge of needing to know when the time comes.

So here I sit, trying to process it all, and I just can't.  In some part of my mind, I thought this would all be over by now.  I'd be blissfully sitting here giving my weekly pregnancy update, Pinteresting nursery ideas and watching birth videos and preparing to never sleep again, but I'm not.  Instead, I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks wondering how this is still going on.  And why.  Why is it still going on.  Honestly, I'm not looking forward to starting everything again.  Not even a little bit.  But I am.  Today S asked me why I'm doing it then.  If I dread it so much, why do it.  I looked at him and said, "Wouldn't you do anything you could to have the one thing you want more than anything in this world?  It doesn't mean I have to like it or be excited, but I'm doing it because I can't give up yet."

But friends, it hurts.  My heart hurts, and it's weak.  Thankfully there is good news too.  The first thing is, according to the nurse anyways, I don't have 40 year old ovaries and eggs, so my age is on my side.  The second is that Christ's grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in weakness.

Before I left, the nurse said to me, "I know this is hard.  I know it's a long process, and it's taxing emotionally.  And as corny as it sounds, you have to have faith that this will work."

My faith in the process is kind of lacking right now, but I'll trust her, and I'll trust the God who I know has this situation in His hands.  My prayer for today is that though I may be weak, I may also be strong.