D&C update

I'm feeling emotional today, so you have been warned, officially.

This morning I had my d&c.  As a reminder, I did not have this as a result of a miscarriage, just to clarify.  When I checked in at the doctor's office this morning, the receptionist immediately said how sorry she was.  I appreciated the sentiment, but I was thankful to report that my procedure was not the result of losing another baby in this case.

From the last time I looked at the clock until I woke up was about an hour.  Total time at the office, 2 1/2 hours.  I'd call that a success!  Overall it went well.  There was a small polyp that the doctor ended up removing, but it was more of a convenience thing.  It wasn't causing a problem, he just figured while he was in there, he should get rid of it.  Ok, sounds good.

I'm feeling ok now, just very crampy.  Not a great feeling, but much better than the horrible bloating I had after my surgery a few months ago.

Honestly, the hardest part of today was not having my own doctor perform the procedure.  I had a doctor that I had never met, and while I was 100% confident in his abilities to do what he needed to do, I wasn't able to get the questions answered that I wanted answered.

As of this past Monday, I was supposed to be able to start my Letrozole, which would mean we would officially be trying for a baby again.  Since the Provera (to induce my monthly visitor) didn't work, I had the d&c.  I was under the impression, and after talking to a nurse on Tuesday, was even more certain, that I would instead be starting the Letrozole today or in the next few days and all would be well.

Well.

Now I don't know.  The doctor said that wouldn't be his recommendation, but all I really want is to talk to my doctor.  Someone who knows my case.  I don't just want a guess as to what happens going forward, and I definitely don't want to put off for another month+ to start trying again.

Would you believe these were the thoughts that made me cry as I sat in the bed waiting to be put to sleep?  It's crazy.

This is what infertility does to you.  This is the frustration it makes you feel.  This is how you can go from being very optimistic, very positive, to feeling like no matter what you do, no matter how many meds you take or procedures you have, nothing is going to change it.  That maybe it just ins't meant to be.

This is where I'm at right now.  And can I just be honest?  It sucks.  It really, really sucks.  I don't want to wait anymore.  I don't want to say maybe next month we can try.  I don't want to order medications and have them sit on my table waiting to be used, only to feel like you'll never get to that point.

I just want to be normal.

Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe I'm just over having seemingly unnecessary pain.  Maybe I'm just overwhelmed thinking about in a few days it will be 1 year since I lost my sweet baby.

Whatever it is, today I'm just done.  If you're the praying kind, I could really use them right now.

My heart hurts.  My head hurts.