June, a rainbow, and a blog.

This has been a hard month for me.  It's the month I've been dreading since I first found out I lost my baby.

Due date month.

Back when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought June, this June, this very month, would be the month that would change my life forever.  Sean and I would welcome a sweet baby girl or a handsome little boy into our home and hearts.  That little bundle would grow up and do amazing things.

But that didn't happen.  It wasn't meant to be.  God had other plans for our sweet angel.

I thought I would wait until July was here to sit down and write this.  For some reason that sounded like a better idea to me than writing it in the moment when it's fresh, and it hurts.  But tonight it all just got to me.  Realizing that June is almost over, and I most certainly will not be having a baby at home with me-- it just rocked me.  And then I thought, I might as well write it out.  This blog got me through some of my hardest days when S was gone, so why can't it do the same for this?  I want to look back 1, 5, 10 years from now and remember how far we've come, how far God brought us.  How he brought us out of dark days into marvelous light.

I know someday I'll be there.  I'll appreciate these days.  The lessons learned.  The strength that was gained.  The realization that something is medically wrong and how truly thankful I am for doctors and people smarter than me.  But today, right now, in this moment, I'm heartbroken.  Totally, completely, and utterly heartbroken.  I'd say I don't have any words to describe it, except that I've filled an entire screen already.  This really is a pain like no other though.  I should be getting ready, if not already have, celebrated what I can only assume would be the happiest time of my life.  Instead, I'm not.  And it's hard.  And it hurts.  It really hurts.

Some days it hurts so bad I just want to stay curled up in bed.  But then I remember that somehow, someway, God is working.  Maybe I never would have gone to the doctor and found the problem.  Maybe I wouldn't have appreciated my baby as much as I know I would now.  Maybe I just needed to learn to have complete and total dependance on God.

I don't know the reason.

That statement, that truth, is maybe harder than anything else.  I don't know why I had to go through this.  I don't know why I had to say goodbye to a baby I only had the chance to "know" for a short time.  I don't know.

But there's beauty in that too.

The morning we left the hospital, just shortly after finding out the baby was gone, there was a rainbow.  It stretched across the entire sky, and it was beautiful.  I remember thinking it was God's promise to us that day.  In the Bible, God used the rainbow as a covenant, as a promise, to His people.  I looked at the rainbow and thought of all the promises God has made.  That He has a plan and a purpose, and better days are sure to come.  Those better days aren't necessarily here yet, but I have no doubt, someday they will be.

It's a hard month.  Just a really hard month.  But I'm thankful that with each month that passes, a new season is on the horizon.  Eventually, this season will pass.  And when it does, what a beautiful thing that will be.  

Two years as a Seidler

Yesterday S and I celebrated two years of marriage. 

2 years.

24 months.

730 days. 

17,520 hours.

1,051,200 minutes.

Woah. 

I know, I know.  It's not that long.  And in the grand scheme of life, it's really nothing at all.  But these days, it seems like anything longer than Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage is something to be excited about. 

So.  What has life been like for the Seidler's since June 22, 2012? 

Shortly after our wedding, S left for ait (training) in Virgina.  He was only gone for 3 months, but luckily I was able to take a trip out and see him.  Of course we made a trip, with my very sick husband, to DC.  

A few months later, we had moved to Fort Drum and found out S (voluntarily) would be deploying.  I took this as the perfect opportunity for some pre-deployment pictures!  Thankfully Ria, of Ri & He Photography, was able to fit us in :) 

While S was gone, I spent my time sprucing up our new home, hanging out by the lake, and making friends.  

My parents also made a trip out, and we were able to see Niagara Falls and Boldt Castle.  Lots of fun memories were made! 

Sean spent his time doing manly, soldier things ;)   

Finally, after 8 long months apart, he was home!  It was everything I imagined it would be.  It was absolutely perfect! 

In the months following his return, we went fishing, I pinned him with his cab (combat action badge), we took post-deployment pictures, went to our first ball together, and drove to Chicago for Thanksgiving.  Overall, we just completely enjoyed being together again!

We also celebrated what we thought would be the arrival of our first baby.  Unfortunately, that wasn't a part of God's plan for us.  It was the most difficult thing I've ever been through, but I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned since then. 

In December, we took a late honeymoon, home from deployment vacation.  It was amazing, despite a rough (literally) first day at sea.  We were happy for a few days away and unplugged.  The weather was amazing, and it was just a good time for us to reconnect after 18 months of marriage with very few of them spent together. 

Christmas was super low key and was spent at home with just the 3 of us.  It was the perfect way to end 2013!

During the winter and into the spring, we were able to go on a couple of marriage retreats through the Army to Niagara Falls and Lake Placid.  Sean also graduated from WLC (warriors leader course), and shortly after we drove to Chicago to pick up Jayden. 

We are now officially in to summer and happy to have the warm weather around after such a long winter!  

When you're little and think about what marriage is like, I feel like most people think of it as a fairy tale.  A fairy tale it is not.  But it is beautiful in it's own way.  

It's hard.  

It's frustrating. 

It's overwhelming.

And yet it's one of the biggest blessings of my life.

Marriage is not easy.  Not by any stretch of the imagination. 

But I know that God has brought us together and brought us to where we are for a purpose and a plan.

We are so completely blessed to have one another, and I pray that we have many, many years together ahead of us.

Here's to the joy, the pain, the blessings, the trials, and everything in between.

I love you more than words can say, and I hope that each day I show that to you.  You are my best friend, my hero, and my one true love.  I'm thankful for all you do for our family.  I love you always and forever :) 

Appreciating the seconds

Life has been busy, busy, busy around here!  Between S working, my photography, and adjusting to life with a four year old around, you could say we've been running around like crazy.  We're trying to soak in every second we have with the little man here though, and a lot of those seconds are spent doing this...

It's so fun seeing them together, and the excitement on J's face every time he catches a fish is priceless!  

We've also been doing a lot of name writing.  So far we only have three letter down, but he can spell (not write) his whole name now!  We're celebrating every victory as they come!

But what I've been mulling over lately is a lot bigger than just time spent fishing and learning to write  a name.  I'm talking about enjoying the present.  

Memorial Day hit me hard this year.  In church we were shown a video of several families who don't just think of, or celebrate, Memorial Day once a year.  It's a 24/7/365 thing for them.  I sat their thinking what if that was me.  What if instead of sitting here, with my husband comfortably by my side, I was reminiscing about the time spent with the man I love?  

I've never really had to consider it before.  Yes, we've spent a lot of time apart.  But with his first deployment now under his belt, this year could have been a lot different.  Ever since then I've been thinking, do I live in the present.  Do I live every day, every moment like it could be Memorial Day?  The answer was a big, fat, resounding NO.  I don't.  Truth be told, if you asked me what my last (almost) 2 years of marriage has been like, I would probably say tough.  Not good, not bad- tough.

In our first 18 months of marriage, we spent all but (roughly) 5 of them apart.  

We said more of the hardest "see you laters" than newlyweds should have to.

We said goodbye to an angel we'll never know.

And we've dealt with months and months of infertility since then.

Like I said... tough.  

But are those the only moments I want to remember?

Or do I want to remember 

the strength that came out of too much time spent apart?

the absolute sweetest "hello" we've ever said?

getting to experience a second "first kiss"? 

the joy and excitement that came with thinking of our family growing? 

the prospect and promise of what is to come? 

Blessed.  

Since Memorial Day, I've been trying to soak it all in.  

The small moments.  The big moments.  All of it.  

Riding in the car jamming to the Spice Girls song playing on the 90's channel.

The quiet moment I have to myself before tiny footsteps creep into the room.

The snoring pup beside me on the couch.  

No moment is too big or too small.  They're all equally important.  

Heaven forbid I ever have to think of Memorial Day in a way other than with the utmost respect for those that go through it daily and the lives that were lost on behalf of my freedom, I want to know that I did everything I could to appreciate the seconds I was given.  That I didn't take any time, no matter how small, for granted.  

I want to look back and remember that not only is life good, but even in the worst of moments, I, we, are still extremely blessed.  God has been more than good to us, and that's bigger than anything else.