Well, this is it. It's really, really happening.
S and I just got back from Syracuse for my pre-op appointment. It went pretty much as I expected. The nurse answered all the questions we had, especially the ones concerning after the procedure is done. I'm feeling a major sense of relief and hope regarding the whole thing.
I know I said this on the last post, but I fell into a major "I'm not having kids" funk, and it's been real hard to work my way out of it. It was just so much easier to accept what might never be than to get my hope up. BUT those days are over. It's time to remember and know that God has a plan. Which He does.
When the first nurse came in to get my blood pressure and all that fun stuff, she asked if I was nervous, and I (pretty confidently) said no. To some people this might not seem like a big deal, but anybody that really knows me, knows I'm not a fan of doctors, or anything medically related really. I actually have a pretty large dislike for them. Well, not doctors as people, it's just, nothing good ever comes from having to go to the doctor. I've been this way for as long as I remember. Doctor visits and me have just never gone well. Ever.
But for right now, I'm not nervous. I'm ready. Dare I say even excited? I'm ready for this next step. For the chance to finally get what we've been wanting, hoping, praying for all along. God has really been working in my heart recently, and I'm more excited than I have been in awhile for the days ahead, for the things to come.
Sometimes it's scary putting all of this out there. Letting people know what's really going on. But right after the miscarriage, I wanted support from anyone or anything I could get it from. I wanted information about what was next. I read some incredibly moving blogs that talked about it that really helped. Same thing after I found out about the endometriosis. I googled. A lot. And let me tell you, that was not always a good thing! ;) So that's why I'm doing this. If I can help even 1 person who might stumble across this, then sharing our story will have been worth it.
Plus, I want to look back at this and remember where God brought us from. It's easy to remember how faithful God is in the good times, but what about in the bad? Not always so easy. I want to know, and most of all remember, that God is faithful in the good times, in the bad times, in the hard times, in the easy times, in the happy times, in all the times that we will face. That's the most important thing to me.
So that's where things stand now. Maybe I'll feel differently on Tuesday morning, but for now, I'm good. I'm very confident in the skills of my doctor, as both a doctor and surgeon, and know he will do an excellent job.
But still, keep praying with me? Sean and I would greatly appreciate it :)
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
The power of prayer
This is a blog I've debated writing for awhile. Anyone that knows me, or reads this blog, knows that I have been pretty open about the miscarriage and the journey that it has taken us on since then.
I've been honest about my feelings, my frustrations, all of it. But what I haven't been honest about are the facts. My feelings and opinions are one thing. I know what I feel and think, and I'm not afraid to share that. Maybe it's because with my feelings, nothing can make them more or less true, it's just what they are. But for some reason putting facts out there for everyone to know, I don't know, it makes it more true, more permanent, more real somehow. I think I even feel embarrassed over the whole thing. If I don't share that we've been trying for a baby for roughly 9 months now, it doesn't make it true, right? Wrong. It's still true. And it still sucks.
Back in May, 7 months after the miscarriage, we had our first appointment with a fertility specialist in Syracuse. Not long after that we were back for our second visit. It was at this appointment that I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Previous to this, I had never even heard of it. What I've learned since then is this is a pretty common thing; that a lot of women struggle with this same thing.
Now... to the reason I'm even sharing this. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God has a plan for us. And I believe that part of having faith, believing that God can overcome, is being open and honest.
Until now, it's been one thing to talk about the miscarriage. It's what happened. It's something I can't deny. And while I haven't exactly wanted to keep our struggle of conceiving since then a secret, it isn't something I've been wanting to shout from the rooftops either.
Back to the reason for the post... There are several different treatments for Endometriosis, but the route my doctor suggested taking is having a laparoscopy to remove the cysts. For someone who's never had anything worse happen than a couple of stitches, this could be scary. But that's the scariest part for me. Of course I know there's risk, I know there's problems that could arise, but they don't worry me. What are my worries? My fears? After the surgery. What happens after.
I think I've known since I was little that I wanted to be a mom. Forget a job. Forget a career. I was made to be a mom. I think jobs and careers are important, and women that want them? Great. It's just not what I always saw myself doing. This surgery is, hopefully, the thing that will take care of our struggle. That in the months following the procedure, we will be blessed enough to have a baby.
So while I've been praying about this since the second I found out, I'm asking that, if you feel so led, you will join me in praying.
I'm not going to lie, this has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. It hasn't always been easy to stay positive. In fact, for probably 7 or 8 months following the miscarriage, I would often say, "We're not having kids." It was easier for me to say it wasn't going to happen than to keep getting my hopes up. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who will just respond with, "Have faith." Those two words are words that I've really had to take in, to believe, to know.
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds, but I'm choosing to believe that God placed people in my life who knew about the fertility place that would lead me to the doctor that will perform the surgery.
So today, and every day from here on out, I am believing that God has great things planned for us.
I've been honest about my feelings, my frustrations, all of it. But what I haven't been honest about are the facts. My feelings and opinions are one thing. I know what I feel and think, and I'm not afraid to share that. Maybe it's because with my feelings, nothing can make them more or less true, it's just what they are. But for some reason putting facts out there for everyone to know, I don't know, it makes it more true, more permanent, more real somehow. I think I even feel embarrassed over the whole thing. If I don't share that we've been trying for a baby for roughly 9 months now, it doesn't make it true, right? Wrong. It's still true. And it still sucks.
Back in May, 7 months after the miscarriage, we had our first appointment with a fertility specialist in Syracuse. Not long after that we were back for our second visit. It was at this appointment that I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. Previous to this, I had never even heard of it. What I've learned since then is this is a pretty common thing; that a lot of women struggle with this same thing.
Now... to the reason I'm even sharing this. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe that God has a plan for us. And I believe that part of having faith, believing that God can overcome, is being open and honest.
Until now, it's been one thing to talk about the miscarriage. It's what happened. It's something I can't deny. And while I haven't exactly wanted to keep our struggle of conceiving since then a secret, it isn't something I've been wanting to shout from the rooftops either.
Back to the reason for the post... There are several different treatments for Endometriosis, but the route my doctor suggested taking is having a laparoscopy to remove the cysts. For someone who's never had anything worse happen than a couple of stitches, this could be scary. But that's the scariest part for me. Of course I know there's risk, I know there's problems that could arise, but they don't worry me. What are my worries? My fears? After the surgery. What happens after.
I think I've known since I was little that I wanted to be a mom. Forget a job. Forget a career. I was made to be a mom. I think jobs and careers are important, and women that want them? Great. It's just not what I always saw myself doing. This surgery is, hopefully, the thing that will take care of our struggle. That in the months following the procedure, we will be blessed enough to have a baby.
So while I've been praying about this since the second I found out, I'm asking that, if you feel so led, you will join me in praying.
I'm not going to lie, this has been one of the hardest things I've gone through. It hasn't always been easy to stay positive. In fact, for probably 7 or 8 months following the miscarriage, I would often say, "We're not having kids." It was easier for me to say it wasn't going to happen than to keep getting my hopes up. Luckily, I have an amazing husband who will just respond with, "Have faith." Those two words are words that I've really had to take in, to believe, to know.
The truth is, I don't know what the future holds, but I'm choosing to believe that God placed people in my life who knew about the fertility place that would lead me to the doctor that will perform the surgery.
So today, and every day from here on out, I am believing that God has great things planned for us.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Nine days
It's been a long time since I've written an "I miss my husband" post. Kinda brings me back to those deployment days! But alas, here I am again. Missing my husband.
It's only been 9 days you guys. Nine days since I've seen that handsome man.
You'd think at some point I'd get used to it. Truth is, I never do.
Although, every time I think about it, I'm always glad I don't get used to it. I never want to be comfortable, be ok, be so... I don't know, accustomed to having him gone, that I'm "used to" it.
I love that every time my phone rings, and his name pops up, there's suddenly little butterflies floating around in my stomach. I love that every time he's gone, I get the chance to miss him, to want him here so badly it hurts. I love that every time I see him again after some time apart, it's like falling in love all over again.
Anybody who's ever had to spend time away from their spouse understands what I mean. Can I get an, "Amen?" ;)
Around these parts, a common phrase I hear when wives are going through deployment is to tell them they'll "get used to it." Should they though? Should any of us? In my opinion, no. We absolutely shouldn't.
I understand it's a part of life. Especially military life. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, don't get me wrong. It just doesn't make it any easier. It still means lonely nights and meals eaten alone. It still means weekends spent wanting to do things and not always having people to do those things with. It still means wanting them here but knowing they can't be.
Those aren't things I want to get used to.
Who knows, maybe someday I won't feel this way. Maybe someday I'll accept that Army comes first, family comes second. But I seriously hope I don't. I hope I always love him enough, miss him enough, to wish that he was coming home every.single.night instead of spending his time bunking with a bunch of other guys ;)
I don't know, maybe this is the "It's 1:30 in the morning-I'm tired and should probably be sleeping-but I miss my husband too much," me talking, but whatever, whoever it is. I miss my husband!
And just because no good post talking him that hunk of mine is really complete unless there's a picture....
It's only been 9 days you guys. Nine days since I've seen that handsome man.
You'd think at some point I'd get used to it. Truth is, I never do.
Although, every time I think about it, I'm always glad I don't get used to it. I never want to be comfortable, be ok, be so... I don't know, accustomed to having him gone, that I'm "used to" it.
I love that every time my phone rings, and his name pops up, there's suddenly little butterflies floating around in my stomach. I love that every time he's gone, I get the chance to miss him, to want him here so badly it hurts. I love that every time I see him again after some time apart, it's like falling in love all over again.
Anybody who's ever had to spend time away from their spouse understands what I mean. Can I get an, "Amen?" ;)
Around these parts, a common phrase I hear when wives are going through deployment is to tell them they'll "get used to it." Should they though? Should any of us? In my opinion, no. We absolutely shouldn't.
I understand it's a part of life. Especially military life. I knew what I was getting into when I married him, don't get me wrong. It just doesn't make it any easier. It still means lonely nights and meals eaten alone. It still means weekends spent wanting to do things and not always having people to do those things with. It still means wanting them here but knowing they can't be.
Those aren't things I want to get used to.
Who knows, maybe someday I won't feel this way. Maybe someday I'll accept that Army comes first, family comes second. But I seriously hope I don't. I hope I always love him enough, miss him enough, to wish that he was coming home every.single.night instead of spending his time bunking with a bunch of other guys ;)
I don't know, maybe this is the "It's 1:30 in the morning-I'm tired and should probably be sleeping-but I miss my husband too much," me talking, but whatever, whoever it is. I miss my husband!
And just because no good post talking him that hunk of mine is really complete unless there's a picture....
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