Booty shot

I debated writing today's blog.  I'm not sure how much information is too much information, so it leaves me questioning the decisions I make sometimes.  But, like I've said before, when this whole journey started for me, I looked for information anywhere I could get it, so 1) I do it for that, and 2) I do it for me.  No matter where we go from here, I want to always remember where we've come from.

So.

Do you ever feel like you just need to stop and take a breath before talking about something?  That's what I just felt like I needed to do.

Last Thursday when I initially found out, and then later wrote about, the next steps in my treatment plan, I felt very overwhelmed.  That is no secret.  Hearing all these medications and medical terms being tossed around so casually, was just almost too much for me.  It's a lot to deal with.  Today I went back into the clinic to have my first shot of Lupron.  It was a booty shot, because I know you were interested in that little tidbit of information ;)  This is the the medicine that will put me into a menopausal like state.  It basically shuts my insides down.  Part of the problem with endo, is that it will almost always come back.  So shutting everything down for a short time will hopefully help to alleviate this a little bit.

I also had the chance to chat with one of the nurses in more depth at today's appointment.  Last week I was so emotionally charged that gathering any coherent thoughts was nearly impossible.  Just finding everything out was a lot, but then to ask all the questions too?  It just wasn't happening.  So today, I asked.  I asked a lot.  I now have a better understand of why the Lupron is so important to my treatment.  Although I'm still a little worried about the side effects I may experience, I'm more comfortable with knowing that they serve a purpose.  Most of my questions though were geared towards what happens after the Lupron is done.

Right after finishing the shots, whether that is 1, 2, or 3 months, I don't know 100% yet, I will start taking Letrozole.  This is a drug that is commonly used in women suffering from infertility.  Sean and I plan on just using the Letrozole at first.  The doctors suggestion would be to use it and have an IUI also, but we want to just do things the most "natural" way we can at first.  Not to mention that each IUI costs $270, which is a pretty large chunk of change.  Right now we are not putting a time limit on how long we will try before going to the IUI.  While the chances increase with an IUI, we have a great and mighty God that can certainly answer our prayers before that is necessary.  Even with an IUI, the chances of pregnancy are only 10-15%, soooo, not great.  

At this moment, I'm feeling.... honestly, I don't know what I'm feeling.  On the drive home from Syracuse, I told Sean I don't know how much more of this I can take.  And it's true.  I'm emotionally drained.  I'm overwhelmed.  And I'm most certainly tired of having to deal with this.  I still stand by my statement that this is supposed to be my story, my journey, but that doesn't make it any easier.

So this is kind of where we're at.  Things are pretty much on hold for right now.  It's frustrating, I won't lie.  It's incredibly difficult to be included in the 10% of women that suffer from infertility in the U.S.  It is especially difficult when you are surrounded by people that are having babies.  I am literally surrounded by them.  But again, we have a great and mighty God that I know has the ability to overcome this.

I've asked before, and although it's maybe a little desperate, this is where I'm at.  Please pray with me.  With us.  Please pray that I have the patience to wait while the Lupron works over the coming months.  Please pray that an IUI is not necessary as we are already dealing with the strain of loans and cars and life.  Please pray that Sean and I, mostly me though because I'm definitely struggling, continue to have faith that all this will work out and in the end, we'll receive our little blessing.

I will continue to update the blog every now and then, but for now, this is where things stands.  Not much will be changing in the next month at least, so for now, just please pray.

A rainbow x2

I don't think it's any secret that yesterday was a rough day for me.  Although the news I got at the doctor is technically bad, it's just very overwhelming.  Very.  Trying to understand and process all the medications and what the next few months will look like was... not easy.  Nobody thinks they're going to have this much trouble having a baby, I mean, it seems so simple, right?  Turns out it isn't so simple for everybody.

I was very overcome by the emotion of it all, and as easy as it is to say, "Just stay positive.  It will happen," the reality is that staying positive isn't going to get me to where I want to be.  A lot of prayer, a lot of faith, and a lot of help from my doctor will, but positivity?  Not so much.  That's not to say I shouldn't be positive, but yesterday was not when I needed to be.  What I needed was to soak it all in and realize that what I'm going through sucks.  There's just no way around that.

But, that leads me to this blog post.

A few weeks ago, I found out that Fort Drum was giving away free tickets to the Brad Paisley concert at the state fair.  I.WAS.PUMPED.  I love all things country and especially my man Brad.  Do you think we got any of those free tickets?  No.  Of course not.  I didn't sweat it too much, but I was bummed.  However, in the last few days I had seen a lot of the wives giving their tickets away.  I was never quick enough to get to them though.  Then yesterday, just hours before the concert was going to start, I snagged two!!  I couldn't believe it.  At first the lady said they had been spoken for, and I started crying.  It wasn't really that big of a deal, but it just wasn't what I needed to hear after everything that had happened.  Just a few minutes later though she messaged me that she ended up having 2, and Sean could pick them up.  YES!!  So he quickly came home and off we went.  Off we went into a tremendous storm!  Yikes.  But something completely beautiful came out of that storm.  The most beautiful, complete rainbow stretched across the sky.  And from the picture, it actually seems like there was a double rainbow!!

To most people, this isn't a big deal.  Rainbows come after storms so often, it's just the way things are.  But to me, it meant something so much more.  The last time I saw a rainbow was the day Sean and I left the hospital after finding out I miscarried.  I was completely devastated.  I was emotionally drained.  I was broken.  I saw that rainbow, and even to this day, it has stood as a symbol, as a promise from God.  A promise that something better is coming.  He hasn't forgotten me, and although I may be weathering a storm for a time, eventually that will pass and a rainbow will come.  It has been 10 months since I've seen a rainbow.  And driving to Syracuse, with that rainbow so bright and big, it reminded me once again of God's promise.  Isn't that so the way He works though?  Just when you think you can't handle another second of pain, He says, "Just hang on.  Better things are coming.  The storm may rage for now, but that will end.  Your rainbow will come, just like I promised."  It's a true testament to how He loves us.  Fiercely and with a love so great, He's willing to throw a rainbow in the sky just to prove it.  To remind us not to stop fighting, to not stop hoping, to not stop having faith.  Wow.

And then today, He brought me back to the song Healer by Kari Jobe.  If you haven't heard it, I suggest you listen to it.  God is speaking.  He is working.  And though yesterday looked scary and bleak, today looks beautiful and promising.  I trust that.  I trust Him.

Finally we made it to Syracuse, to the fair, and to the concert.  We had a great time.  It was just what I needed.  I truly believe that God worked a miracle yesterday.

I "happened" to see the post on Facebook about the tickets.
I "happened" to message her just in time.
She "happened" to unexpectedly have two available that weren't supposed to be.
Sean "happened" to be leaving work just as I needed him to pick them up.

Without any of those things happening, I never would have witnessed the rainbow and been able to remember that God has a plan.  And it's a good one.

I know I'm not the only one going through stuff, so if you are too, just hang on.  God's promises are not just for me.  They're for you too, and I know He won't disappoint.  Thank you to everyone that has and continues to pray for Sean, me, and any future babies we may be blessed enough to have.  You will never know how much it means to us.

Now, who wants to see some Brad Paisley?!  (sorry for the crappy iPhone pictures)

     

What plan?

Today was the day I've been looking forward to and waiting for since I had my surgery 2 weeks ago.  I was anxious for it to get here and figure out what the next steps are.

Now I'm kinda wishing today didn't come at all.  

I'm feeling very defeated and not excited about what the future months will bring.  I was sure that the surgery would be the thing to fix my problems.  To make everything better again.  To bring the one thing we've been waiting for.  But that didn't happen.  

I'm not sure if I should be writing this now, right when I'm in the thick of the emotions, but I am anyways.  

So here's the breakdown of what comes next. First up is 10 days of doxycycline to treat a possible infection that I may have.  I will also start with a cycle of lupron, which is a shot in the booty.  Yeah, you can be jealous now.  This will basically put my body into a menopausal like state.  And if you hadn't guessed, this is going to, or is likely to anyways, bring on some wonderful side effects.  If you weren't jealous before, I'm sure you are now!  After the first month of lupron, I'll call in to the fertility center to let them know how things are going.  From there, we either stop the lupron or continue on for 1-2 months.  Once the lupron cycles are complete, we can start trying again.  But, that's not all.  I will then have to take letrozole, more commonly known as femara.  This drug is most widely used to treat cancer, but is also used in cases like mine for infertility.  If that alone doesn't work, we then have to consider doing iui treatments, which are certainly affordable, but still quite expensive considering they don't always work. 

Hence, the defeatedness.  I'm aware that's not a word, but I'm using it anyhow :)  All of this is just very overwhelming to say the least.  

Throughout my life I have tried not to question God, to wonder why He does things or why certain things happen.  But today I'm struggling with that.  I'm struggling to understand why I have been dealt this hand.  I was never the person that wanted a career.  A husband and a baby, that's what I wanted.  It's all I ever wanted.  So why do I not get that?  Why do I have to go through these things when so many others are given this gift and just throw it away?  

The other day I was walking Hailey, and I got the overwhelming feeling that this is supposed to be my journey, my story.  I don't know why, and truthfully, I may never know.  But I felt it.  I knew it was for a reason.  Today, I kinda don't care what the reason is, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

I still know that God has a plan, and I'm good with that, but I'm starting to wonder what this plan looks like.  I always assumed His plan would include kids for Sean and me.  I hoped after the surgery that our first blessing would come soon, but today revealed to me that that doesn't look promising.  

I'm SO incredibly thankful that we are fortunate enough to have insurance that covers all of the treatments and procedures I've had done so far, and anything that may be necessary in the future, but I'd be more thankful to not have to do deal with this.  

I'm really needing some extra prayers today, so please, if you think of it, will you pray for me?  For peace, for understanding, and for whatever the future may hold.  

Surgery selfies (and the details)

Well, I made it.

I am officially a first time surgery survivor.  Ok ok, maybe I'm being a little dramatic.  But really, it has now been 6 days since my surgery.

Last Monday morning I got the call saying what time I needed to be there the following day.  At 9 on Tuesday, we left for the clinic thinking we'd be there by 10/10:15 with some time to spare.  Little did we know, I actually wasn't scheduled to get my iv until after 11.  So we waited and waited and waited some more.  Finally, about 11:15, it was time for me to go back.  I donned my super stylin' gown and hair net, and we were officially ready to go.

Truthfully, getting the iv was the part I was most nervous for in the whole process.  Turns out I had good reason to be, because getting one in me was no easy task.  I started to lose confidence when after looking for a vein for a good 10 minutes, none were found.  I guess that's what happens when you don't eat, don't drink, and have teeny tiny veins.  The little hope I had left completely vanished when the nurse went to get someone else, who, wouldn't you know, wasn't there that day.  But, nonetheless, the iv was finally inserted, albeit two times, and everything was set.

Sean was able to sit with me until they took me back, thank goodness.  It would have been a long, lonely wait without him!   Of course, my dear husband, decided taking a surgery selfie was necessary, and since I was the one actually having the procedure done, I figured I should join in :)   

Next thing you know, I'm kissing him goodbye and headed back to the OR.  It was a weird feeling being in there, knowing I was the one that was going to be cut open.  The anesthesiologist gave me something to relax, I looked at the clock and saw 1:15, although now that I think about it, I'm not 100% sure how right that is, and that's it.  That's all I remember.  Next thing I know, I'm waking up in a different room, feeling like I was only out for a few seconds.  

They brought Sean back right away, I know that for sure.  The rest is a little fuzzy.  One thing I know with certainty, my left hand was cold.  Freezing, freezing cold.  Sean says it wasn't, buuuutt I'm still convinced it absolutely was! ;) And despite his very loving preparedness to get anything ridiculous I said or did on camera, there was none of that, thankfully!  And then, sometime around 3:15, or so I'm told, we headed home.  

The surgery took longer than was expected due to the amount of endo, cysts, and scar tissue that was present, which totally explains the infertility over the last 10 months, but other than that, all went well- praise the Lord!  

Since then, I've been getting a lot of rest, too much really, but for the most part, I'm feeling good again.  I only took the pain pills for 2 days before I started just using advil as needed.  And now, there's still some pain, but it gets better each day.

Next week we'll meet with the doctor again for my post-op where we'll be able to find out more information about how the surgery went and what our next steps are.  Even sitting here now, it feels a little surreal that this step is done and over with.  This procedure was long awaited, since I scheduled it back in May, but now that it's done, it just feels strange.  Like it didn't really happen, although the pain, and the scars, tell me different ;) 

But nonetheless, it's an exciting time for me, knowing that this was one of the major things that stood in the way of us having a baby.  I'm anxious to get back and get all the details, so I'll be sure to update then, but for now, I'm just continuing to be so incredibly thankful for the doctors and nurses that took such great care of me, and for God who has had this all worked out long before I even knew there was a problem.  What a blessing it is to have a God who cares so much for us!