Expecting bad news

Totally random, completely out of the blue side note: sometimes I wish I was from the south.  They get to say y'all without sounding stupid.  It's so much easier to say y'all than you guys, which is of course what I say.  I'm Minnesotan to the core.

Anyways.

Ever since my failed 1st cycle, I've had a hard time being excited or hopeful about this 2nd cycle.  I was so hopeful the 1st one.  Overly hopeful maybe.  I was excited, I was ready, I was in a really good place.  Since then I've felt all of that slipping away slowly.  When I started my medications, I wasn't excited.  When I did my trigger shot, I didn't feel anything.  I had pretty much given up before I even started.

I've just been in a really weird place.

Today I sat down and was listening to the 3rd sermon in the series How to be Brave by Steven Furtick.  If you haven't caught on yet, I kinda love his sermons.  Every.Single.One.  They always seem to speak straight to my heart, to hit the nail right on the head of what it is I'm going through.

Today was, of course, no different.

I needed today.  I needed the message.  I needed the encouragement, the reminder to not give up, no matter what.

This was what really got my attention.

"They do not fear bad news; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them." 

-Psalm 112:7-

It was at this moment that I knew this sermon was meant for me.

The whole point, or at least the point I got, was that sometimes we get bad news.  Sometimes we get news we don't want.  Sometimes, life just kinda sucks.  But it's how we respond to that news that matters.  Do we let it drown us or do we keep our heads above the water despite our circumstances?  Do we experience reality or do we experience our perspective of reality?  Do we let our fear overwhelm us or do we find hope in our situations?

I went into the cycle expecting bad news.  I've lived every day as if in a few weeks, I will get bad news.  I quit before I even started.  And yet, since the beginning of this blog, I've talked over and over again about my faith.  How God has a plan.  How it's a good plan.  How I'll be ok no matter what.  When did that change?  When did I stop seeing the good instead of the bad?  When did I choose to give up?

What really blows my mind is that I waited for so long to get to this point.  To the point that we're even able to try for a baby.  But after just 1 failed cycle, I gave up.  WHAT!  Why?!  Did I really lose faith that easily?  Did I really count us out after 1 cycle.  1 cycle!

In the sermon, he talked about a reporter they had doing a story on their church.  He was asked to answer some questions from the reporter, but after talking with a friend, the friend said not to waste his time, that the story was already written.

Isn't that the same with life?

My story has already been written.  Whether I stress, worry, fear, cry, give up, lose hope, whatever, over this cycle, or any other cycle, my story is already written.

"My story is already written based on what I believe about the nature of God and His disposition towards me."

-Steven Furtick-

What I believe about the nature of God?  He's a good God.  He's an all powerful, loving, gracious God.  He's a giving God.  He's the ultimate physician, the ultimate healer.
What I believe about the disposition of God towards me?  He loves me.  He wants good things for me.  He wants me to find joy and happiness in all things.

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know what this cycle will bring.  But I'm good with that.  Again.  I'm re-believing that no matter what news may come, good or bad, God will care for me.  He will see me through this.  My story is already written, and I plan to live it out the best way possible.