Happiness, where are you?

Today is going to be all about honesty.  Around here, I usually try to be honest.  I mean, isn't that why I have this blog after all?  I didn't start this blog with the intentions of having to share the ins and outs of my entire personal life, down to being able, or as it turns out, not being able to, conceive.  But that's where we're at, so I'm just running with it.

I have had so many people message me over the last few months to share their stories of infertility with me, as well as to just give encouragement during this time.  It has been a huge blessing to me.  To know that, while I may be more open about our journey than a lot of others, there are tons of people out there that understand what I'm going through.  Sometimes it's just nice to be understood.  I love hearing your stories and knowing that we can pray for each other, and give encouragement or just an ear to listen when sometimes that's all you need.

That being said, yesterday was a hard day.  I live my life most days, having to deal with all of this, with people that don't understand.  And it's hard.  I don't fault anyone for not understanding, but it's hard to get something that you've never been through.  That's true for just about anything in life.  And before I go on, can I just say that my emotions have been, um... off the wall lately.  I credit that to the Lupron I was given a couple weeks ago.  So please keep that in mind and don't hate me.  I don't know, maybe I shouldn't be sharing this, but if I'm going to open up my life, I can't just share the good things, or the medical things, I feel like I need to share everything, even if I don't want to.

This is something that I've struggled with for awhile.  This isn't something that just popped up over night, and truthfully, it's something I really have to combat every.single.day.  This whole process has been exhausting physically, but even more so, mentally and emotionally.  Yesterday, I just kind of lost it.  I mean big tears, mascara stained cheeks, can't stop crying, lost it.  Yeah, that happened.  I know a lot of pregnant people right now.  A lot.  And as happy as I am for every single one that I know, and trust me, I am genuinely happy, I'm tired of having to be happy for other people.  Please someone tell me you get that.  That I'm not this heartless, bitter person that's angry at the world.  I'm not, I'm really not, but I just want to get to be happy for myself for once.  Maybe it's that more than anything.  I just want to feel happy again.  In general, I'm a pretty happy person.  I don't see the point in constantly being negative about everything and anything, because really, that will never get you anywhere.  But I lost a part of myself the day I found out I lost my baby, and it's been an uphill battle ever since then.  10 months of going uphill day, after day, after day.  That would wear anyone down.  Again, please someone tell me you get it.  I can't be alone in this!

Alllll of that being said, if you're pregnant or just had a baby, know that I'm happy for you.  Truly, genuinely happy.  I would never want anyone else to have to go through what I'm going through.  But if I don't "like" your status or give you a big hug and congratulations, please forgive me.  It's not that I'm not happy for you, but I'm just tired of not being happy for myself.