I must not be good enough. I don't deserve to be happy.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail.  A hand written, notebook paper, letter.  Can you imagine?  When was the last time you sent a real life letter?!  Anyways, I loved it.  There was one line that completely stood out to me.  It said, "You don't understand the fear, anguish, and general discontent that comes with your body not working."  YES!  That's exactly what it is.  Sean is always telling me I haven't done anything wrong; I couldn't have done anything to prevent the miscarriage or not getting pregnant since then, that it's just my body.  Isn't that the point?  It's my body.  It's supposed to work, to make and carry a baby.  To bring life into this world, not destroy it.  There's always been a part of me that has felt guilt over losing my baby.  When I feel fear, anguish, and discontent, it isn't with other people, it's with me, my body.      

Throughout this journey, I have struggled to put into words what it's like to have to go through this.  Really, there are no words.  It's so much more than being sad or upset.  It truly is fear, anguish, and general discontent rolled up into one big feeling.  And it's not a good feeling.  Going through a miscarriage and the disappointing months after, planted a seed in me.

A seed that said I must have done something wrong.
I must be a bad person.
I must not pray enough.
I must deserve this for some reason.
I must not be a good enough person.
I probably won't be a good mom.
I don't deserve to be happy.
I've done too many bad things and this is what I deserve.

Truth?  Maybe.  I probably don't pray enough.  I'm not a good person 100% of the time.  I have done bad things.  I probably won't be a good mom all the time.  But this past week I decided it was time to find out what the Bible said about infertility.  To see what women in the Bible were like when they experienced infertility.  I mean, if they're in the Bible, they're probably good people and deserve to have a baby, right?  Wrong.  They were human, flawed, just like I am.  So maybe all those little seeds of half truths are just that, half.truths.  Which means, if they're half truth, they're also half lies.

When I first started, I wasn't sure the best way to go about looking for stories of infertility in the Bible, so I took to Google.  Best option?  Maybe not.  But it worked!  I came to Hebrews 11.  Boy was there some good truth in there!

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about the things we cannot see."

-Hebrews 11:1-

See, I always thought faith was just about trusting and believing in the things we can't see.  But it's not.  Or at least, it's not just that.  It's, "the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen."

In that one verse, I realized that my faith, the core of who I am, had been completely shaken.  During this struggle, I've never, not once, wavered in my belief in God and knowing that He has a plan.  But my faith?  I realize now, that had taken a hit.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped having faith that we were meant to have a baby.  It didn't happen overnight or all at once, but it happened.  And the thing is, I didn't even know it!  It wasn't until I read that, really read that, that I knew.  

Later in Hebrews (11:11), it says, "By faith, Sarah, even though she was old and barren, received the strength to conceive, because she was convinced that the who had made the promise was faithful."  See?  There it is again.  Faith.  Sarah wasn't blessed with a baby because she sought medical treatment or had a great fertility doctor helping her out, she just had faith.  That's it!  

But here's the thing about Sarah, she didn't always have faith.  

WHAT?!  

Yep, it's true.  In Genesis 16, Sarah, well Sarai, gives her servant Hagar to Abram hoping that she would bear a son through her.  At her old age, I can see where she would lack faith.  She was old!  But even after Abraham had been told that Sarah would bear him a son, and Sarah had heard herself, she laughed at the idea.  It doesn't seem like her faith was that great in that moment.  But in Genesis 18, God responds.

And it's a good response.

So in the interest of not taking up your entire day with my ramblings, check back in tomorrow for said response.  Trust me, you want to come back ;)