But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10-
Today, I am weak. My spirit is weak. My faith is weak. My mind is numb, and well, weak.
I have not stepped foot in my doctor's office in 3 1/2 months. Those were some glorious months I had. No needle pokes, no ultrasounds, no defeating news, nothing. All of it was forgotten.
Until today.
Today I went in to have an ultrasound and blood work done and to talk to them about what the plan might be for moving forward. When I walked in, the receptionist immediately said she needed to talk to me and quickly let me know that my insurance no longer covers the monitoring (blood work and ultrasounds) for iui (intrauterine insemination) cycles. Prior to Jan 1, the cost of an iui was roughly $300. Now they're tipping the scale at $900. At the end of 2014, an iui would have been our next step. That's all but out of the question now. I realize a lot of people do it. Somehow they come up with the money. They save. They stop going out to eat and seeing movies and spending money in places it doesn't need to be spent. Not me. I can't justify spending over $900 on something that has a low chance of working anyways when we have car payments and school loans and the need for S to see his boys this summer. It just can't happen.
So, this appointment was off to a rocky start.
I'll spare you the details of the blood work and u/s, but after they were done, my nurse for today helped me come up with a plan. I wasn't fully prepared to start with all the medications, etc right away. I've so enjoyed my time off that the thought of starting again just hasn't appealed to me. But that's where we are. I can't even begin to tell you what all I'll be doing and taking and injecting into my body because, truthfully, I don't know. So many names of medications were rattled off that I just sat back and decided to trust that she knows what she's talking about. I'll cross the bridge of needing to know when the time comes.
So here I sit, trying to process it all, and I just can't. In some part of my mind, I thought this would all be over by now. I'd be blissfully sitting here giving my weekly pregnancy update, Pinteresting nursery ideas and watching birth videos and preparing to never sleep again, but I'm not. Instead, I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks wondering how this is still going on. And why. Why is it still going on. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to starting everything again. Not even a little bit. But I am. Today S asked me why I'm doing it then. If I dread it so much, why do it. I looked at him and said, "Wouldn't you do anything you could to have the one thing you want more than anything in this world? It doesn't mean I have to like it or be excited, but I'm doing it because I can't give up yet."
But friends, it hurts. My heart hurts, and it's weak. Thankfully there is good news too. The first thing is, according to the nurse anyways, I don't have 40 year old ovaries and eggs, so my age is on my side. The second is that Christ's grace is sufficient for me, and His power is made perfect in weakness.
Before I left, the nurse said to me, "I know this is hard. I know it's a long process, and it's taxing emotionally. And as corny as it sounds, you have to have faith that this will work."
My faith in the process is kind of lacking right now, but I'll trust her, and I'll trust the God who I know has this situation in His hands. My prayer for today is that though I may be weak, I may also be strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment