An update.

Has it been quiet around here or what?!  My last post was nearly a month ago.  Woah!  Well the truth is not much has been going on.  Nothing exciting enough that a blog post was required, or warranted for that matter, anyways.

But I did want to check in and give an update, albeit a boring update, on what's been happening lately.

While S was away for training in January, I decided that it was long overdue to get my butt back in the gym.  Between the miscarriage and a year of fertility stuff, my weight and health got put on the back burner.  Anyone who has done fertility treatments can probably agree with me when I say that going to the gym is about the last thing you want to do when you're doped up on meds.  It was about the last thing I wanted to do anyways.  Sleep and eating however were at the top of the list.  So six weeks ago, I started hitting the gym again, my eating habits began to change, and now here we are, nearly 16 pounds lighter and feeling much better than I did when the new year rolled around.

The first time I got pregnant, I had lost quite a bit of weight due to the stresses of deployment and not having much else to do besides work and go to the gym.  I can't say for sure if that had something to do with it, but if shedding a few lbs and getting healthy again could aid in getting pregnant, than I'm willing to give it a try.

So that's pretty much what I've been up to.  I'll be calling the dr's office to talk to them about our next steps, but for now, I'm really kind of enjoying not being poked with needles and making the hour long drive to Syracuse for every appointment.

In other news, I wanted to share something that I came across from a fellow blogger the other day.  If you'd like to read her post, you can do so here, but she had a verse in there that really struck me.

As Jesus was walking along, he saw a man who had been blind from birth.  

"Rabbi," his disciples asked him, "why was this man born blind?  Was it because of his own sins or his parents' sins?"  

"It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins," Jesus answered.  "This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."    

-John 9:1-3-

I've spent a lot of time asking myself, maybe even asking God, why me.
Why do I have to go through this?
Why can't I just be normal?
Why does it have to hurt so much and take so long?
Why do others get babies and I can't just have baby?
Why.  Why.  Why.

I've convinced myself that it's because I deserve it.  I've done something, anything, to deserve it.  My rational, brain using, self, wants to be able to explain this somehow.  My sins must be the cause of this.  I just know it.  And I became ok with it.  This journey, this chapter of my life, this diagnosis, it's my cross to bear, and I've earned it.

But I also convinced myself of something else.

Even if I do deserve this, even if my sins are so great that I deserve to struggle with infertility, God.Will.Use.This.  He has used this, and I know without a doubt that He will continue to use this.

So when God says, "It was not because of his sins or his parents' sins.  This happened so the power of God could be seen in him," I believe it.

I believe that through me, my story, my journey, my struggle, God will be seen.  His power will be seen.  His majesty will be seen.  His all encompassing goodness will be seen.

If I know nothing else to be true, that's ok.  I will rest in the truth that all of this is not for nothing.