Crazy, beautiful journey

Yesterday was a hard day for me.

So often I come on here to share those moments that I've been really encouraged, and that's great.  I love those moments.  They are uplifting to me, and I've found they've been uplifting to others as well.  But it's not often that I share my struggles.

And.Struggle.I.Do.

It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I feel I've become {mostly} ok with my situation.  Where I've {mostly} accepted that this is my story, my future.  But there are those moments, those days, where I cannot deal.  I don't know how.  I don't want to.  I just want it to end.

Yesterday was that moment, that day.

My frustration wasn't so much about the whole not being pregnant yet thing, although I suppose I wouldn't be feeling this way if I was, but it was more about just not wanting to do anymore fertility treatments.

No more drives to Syracuse.
No more needles.
No more blood draws.
No more frustrating phone calls with pharmacies.
No more medications.
No more of any of it.

These last few months have been so good not worrying about or dealing with any of that stuff.  I just had fun.  I focused on me for once and not on my inability to get pregnant.  It was amazing.  Truly amazing.  Yesterday that came crashing down, and at a time when I wasn't really expecting it to.

Then last night I got to thinking about it all, and I realized that while my frustration and fear is partly due to not wanting to start with treatments again, it's also partly about the end.  What happens if in the end, I put my body, my mind, my emotions through all of this, and I still don't get what I want?

I've said so many times that God has a plan.  I believe that, I know that, I trust that wholeheartedly.  But somewhere in my mind, I've always trusted that, no matter the length of time it took to get there, that plan would end in me having a baby.  It just would.  Last night it dawned on me that 'the plan', God's plan, the one I've been believing and trusting, might not end the way I want it to, the way I've always imagined it would.  It just might not.

So yeah, yesterday was a hard day.

But something really beautiful came out of it.  While I felt so upset and so defeated, I also felt extremely encouraged.  I am SO thankful for each one of you that has sent a message saying you understand what I'm going through, saying you're praying for me, or just left a note letting me know you're thinking of me.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.  I don't know what this month, next month, or the rest of this year will hold.  But I do know that this journey has taken me to unexpected places and brought people into my life in unexpected ways.  I don't always understand it, I certainly don't always like it, but in the end, I'm thankful for it.  In some crazy, I don't get it at all, kind of way, it's beautiful journey I'm on.    

So here's to cycle 3 of fertility treatments.  May you pass quickly and not mess with my emotions too much ;)