What plan?

Today was the day I've been looking forward to and waiting for since I had my surgery 2 weeks ago.  I was anxious for it to get here and figure out what the next steps are.

Now I'm kinda wishing today didn't come at all.  

I'm feeling very defeated and not excited about what the future months will bring.  I was sure that the surgery would be the thing to fix my problems.  To make everything better again.  To bring the one thing we've been waiting for.  But that didn't happen.  

I'm not sure if I should be writing this now, right when I'm in the thick of the emotions, but I am anyways.  

So here's the breakdown of what comes next. First up is 10 days of doxycycline to treat a possible infection that I may have.  I will also start with a cycle of lupron, which is a shot in the booty.  Yeah, you can be jealous now.  This will basically put my body into a menopausal like state.  And if you hadn't guessed, this is going to, or is likely to anyways, bring on some wonderful side effects.  If you weren't jealous before, I'm sure you are now!  After the first month of lupron, I'll call in to the fertility center to let them know how things are going.  From there, we either stop the lupron or continue on for 1-2 months.  Once the lupron cycles are complete, we can start trying again.  But, that's not all.  I will then have to take letrozole, more commonly known as femara.  This drug is most widely used to treat cancer, but is also used in cases like mine for infertility.  If that alone doesn't work, we then have to consider doing iui treatments, which are certainly affordable, but still quite expensive considering they don't always work. 

Hence, the defeatedness.  I'm aware that's not a word, but I'm using it anyhow :)  All of this is just very overwhelming to say the least.  

Throughout my life I have tried not to question God, to wonder why He does things or why certain things happen.  But today I'm struggling with that.  I'm struggling to understand why I have been dealt this hand.  I was never the person that wanted a career.  A husband and a baby, that's what I wanted.  It's all I ever wanted.  So why do I not get that?  Why do I have to go through these things when so many others are given this gift and just throw it away?  

The other day I was walking Hailey, and I got the overwhelming feeling that this is supposed to be my journey, my story.  I don't know why, and truthfully, I may never know.  But I felt it.  I knew it was for a reason.  Today, I kinda don't care what the reason is, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

I still know that God has a plan, and I'm good with that, but I'm starting to wonder what this plan looks like.  I always assumed His plan would include kids for Sean and me.  I hoped after the surgery that our first blessing would come soon, but today revealed to me that that doesn't look promising.  

I'm SO incredibly thankful that we are fortunate enough to have insurance that covers all of the treatments and procedures I've had done so far, and anything that may be necessary in the future, but I'd be more thankful to not have to do deal with this.  

I'm really needing some extra prayers today, so please, if you think of it, will you pray for me?  For peace, for understanding, and for whatever the future may hold.