Surrender

As always, my blogging as been so sporadic as of late.  When there's nothing new going on, it just seems pointless to share what will inevitably turn out to be a page full of rambling, so I just avoid it.  But I imagine as we inch closer to S deploying, that will surely change ;)

Anyways.

In the last few weeks we were able to spend some time in Chicago and Minnesota with our friends and families over leave.  It was SO great being home and seeing everyone, as it always is, but leaving was a little bittersweet this time.  During our time in MN, I kept thinking that the next time I'm home, S won't be coming with me.  The only other time that's happened was during his first deployment.  And here we are again.  It's pretty heartbreaking to think about.

Anyways, again.

While we were home, we were able to drive up to the church that I consider home.  It was where I really grew up.  Became who I am, and I always love being back.  There's just something about being there again.  Even though I don't recognize most of the faces anymore, there's a certain level of comfort and peace that comes over me when I walk into that building.  I've only heard their {newish} pastor a few times since he's been there, but the message he gave that day was really, really good.  I didn't even really have time to process it until yesterday because of how crazy and busy our weeks were while we traveled.  So yesterday I sat down and rewatched the sermon.

Oh boy.

There was some good stuff in there.

Basically, he talked about surrendering our lives to God.  This is something I really struggle with, as I'm sure most people do if they really admit it.  One of the first things he asked was what might God ask of me if I surrender my life 100% to Him?

Do I really want to know?
Would I even be willing to do it?

Here's the thing.  Maybe I don't want to know what would happen if I surrendered to Him completely.  Maybe I wouldn't even be willing to do whatever it was if it really came down to it.  But.  What if I was?  What if I knew that when I surrendered, Jesus would lead me to what is best?  What if I knew that when I surrendered, when I honored Jesus with my life, He would honor me?  Then would I be willing?

As with most things in my life these days, I started thinking of this idea of surrender and how it relates to my struggle with infertility.  I'm 21 months post miscarriage and still no closer to having a baby today than I was then.  Over the last, maybe 6 or so, months, this has become incredibly frustrating to me.  I really began thinking that maybe, just maybe, a baby isn't in my future.  Maybe it will just be S, our sweet pup Hailey, my stepsons, and me in our family.  Maybe I just needed to accept that and move on.  And maybe that's true.  Maybe.  But maybe it isn't.

I did a Google search of what it means to surrender to God and came across an article written by Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life.  In it he wrote this, surrendering your life means waiting on God's timing, expecting a miracle without knowing how God will provide, and trusting God's purpose without understanding the circumstances.

I've said throughout this whole journey that I don't really understand it.  Why do I have to go through this?  Why does it have to hurt so much?  Why does it have to be so hard?  But maybe part of the reason I've never understood is because I've never surrendered it to God.  I've tried to control it, push it, make it happen, but have I ever really surrendered to His plan?  If I'm honest, no.  Not even a little.

And then at the end of the passage, it said this,

"Genuine surrender says, "Father, if this problem, pain, sickness, or circumstance is needed to fulfill your purpose in my life or someone else's life, please don't take it away!""

Oh, God, I pray that be true in my life.

For whatever reason, whatever purpose, this is the life I've been given.  And I'm learning that, even in the darkest of times, it's a beautiful life that God is asking me to let go of and give to Him.  No matter the cost.