June, a rainbow, and a blog.

This has been a hard month for me.  It's the month I've been dreading since I first found out I lost my baby.

Due date month.

Back when I first found out I was pregnant, I thought June, this June, this very month, would be the month that would change my life forever.  Sean and I would welcome a sweet baby girl or a handsome little boy into our home and hearts.  That little bundle would grow up and do amazing things.

But that didn't happen.  It wasn't meant to be.  God had other plans for our sweet angel.

I thought I would wait until July was here to sit down and write this.  For some reason that sounded like a better idea to me than writing it in the moment when it's fresh, and it hurts.  But tonight it all just got to me.  Realizing that June is almost over, and I most certainly will not be having a baby at home with me-- it just rocked me.  And then I thought, I might as well write it out.  This blog got me through some of my hardest days when S was gone, so why can't it do the same for this?  I want to look back 1, 5, 10 years from now and remember how far we've come, how far God brought us.  How he brought us out of dark days into marvelous light.

I know someday I'll be there.  I'll appreciate these days.  The lessons learned.  The strength that was gained.  The realization that something is medically wrong and how truly thankful I am for doctors and people smarter than me.  But today, right now, in this moment, I'm heartbroken.  Totally, completely, and utterly heartbroken.  I'd say I don't have any words to describe it, except that I've filled an entire screen already.  This really is a pain like no other though.  I should be getting ready, if not already have, celebrated what I can only assume would be the happiest time of my life.  Instead, I'm not.  And it's hard.  And it hurts.  It really hurts.

Some days it hurts so bad I just want to stay curled up in bed.  But then I remember that somehow, someway, God is working.  Maybe I never would have gone to the doctor and found the problem.  Maybe I wouldn't have appreciated my baby as much as I know I would now.  Maybe I just needed to learn to have complete and total dependance on God.

I don't know the reason.

That statement, that truth, is maybe harder than anything else.  I don't know why I had to go through this.  I don't know why I had to say goodbye to a baby I only had the chance to "know" for a short time.  I don't know.

But there's beauty in that too.

The morning we left the hospital, just shortly after finding out the baby was gone, there was a rainbow.  It stretched across the entire sky, and it was beautiful.  I remember thinking it was God's promise to us that day.  In the Bible, God used the rainbow as a covenant, as a promise, to His people.  I looked at the rainbow and thought of all the promises God has made.  That He has a plan and a purpose, and better days are sure to come.  Those better days aren't necessarily here yet, but I have no doubt, someday they will be.

It's a hard month.  Just a really hard month.  But I'm thankful that with each month that passes, a new season is on the horizon.  Eventually, this season will pass.  And when it does, what a beautiful thing that will be.