Goodbye. For now.

CD1.

Cycle day 1.

For those of you that don't know what it means, it means I'm not pregnant.  Again.  Still.  Whatever.

It means that all those appointments, all those pills, all those shots, all of it didn't work.  Again.
It was pointless.  Again.

I think I've reached the point where it's too hard to keep trying but hurts too much to think about quitting.

My body is tired.
My mind is tired.
My hope is dwindling.

My fear is that none of this will work and they'll tell me an iui is the next logical step.  Well.  An iui (intrauterine insemination) costs roughly $1000 each time.  We are a 1 income, military family with bills and loans and 2 kids (S's boys) that all require money.  So can we save for it?  Sure.  We probably could.  But let's say we do an iui and it doesn't work.  We just blew $1000 that could have been put towards another bill, loan, or existing kid.  Now we start the saving process again.  How long does this process continue before it works, before the money we've potentially saved and spent is worth it?

I wouldn't say I'm necessarily giving up, but honestly, I don't see an end in sight.  I don't see a point where this is over and the payoff is worth it.  And I really don't know how much longer I can keep going.  How much longer I want to keep going.

This may all sound contradictory to what I've been preaching this entire time, that God's plan is greater and I have faith it will all work out, and I still believe that 100%.  I just think maybe God's plan is different than the plan I have.  Had.  I do believe it will work out, but maybe it's going to work out in a way I didn't imagine.  Maybe the life I dreamed of and planned, isn't the life I'm going to get.

I still have some of my meds leftover from this last cycle, so, at least for now, the plan is to take April off.  Give it a rest, let my body recover and be med free for a little bit.  Then in May, I'll pick it back up.  I'm certainly not going to let good meds go to waste, but I think May will be the last cycle for awhile.

My head isn't in this.
My body isn't in this.
Most importantly, my heart isn't in this.

It wasn't too long ago that I was over the moon to finally be at the point where I could say, we are officially trying.  But that trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, wears a person out.  Mostly mentally.  At some point, you want to see the reward of all that trying.  I haven't gotten that.  I don't know if I will.  And honestly, I'm oddly at peace with it.  I think I've accepted that maybe a baby just isn't in the cards.  All the cute baby clothes and nursery decorations and bottles and swings and all the tiny things, it just might not happen.

Maybe it will.
Maybe it won't.  

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Whatever will be, will be, and as long as at the end of the day, at the end of wherever this process takes us, God is given the glory, that something good comes of it, then it will have been worth it.