How's the baby making?

So, how's the baby making going?

Well.

Simply put, it's not.

In October when we started our first medicated cycle, I imagined 1 of 2 things happening.  Either 1. I would get pregnant before 2014 was over, or 2. if both October and November resulted in failed cycles, we would take December off for traveling and in January I would do an iui (intrauterine insemination) while Sean is gone.

Well, October came and went.  November came and went.  December came and went.  And now here we are.  January 9th, 2015.  In our fourth month of "trying" and no closer to having a baby than when we started.

In a previous post I mentioned that I may end up deciding not to do in iui this month.  As the time came closer and closer, I decided not to do it.  There were a few reasons for that.

1. I didn't know if I had the strength to get through it without S here.  He has been my rock so often during this process, and I just couldn't imagine having to take this big step without him.  Could I do it?  Yes.  Probably.  Maybe.  Do I want to do it?  Absolutely not.

2. Over the last few months, the dreaded "d" word has been tossed around more and more.  With a possible deployment creeping up, my anxiety and fears started to grow.  What if I don't get pregnant? What if I do?  What if I have to wait another year?  What if I have to give birth without him?  All the questions started swirling, and slowly but surely, they settled into my heart until I felt nothing but scared.  Scared that things wouldn't work out.  Scared that they would.  Either I wouldn't get pregnant and I'd have to wait and wait and wait, again, or it would work out and S wouldn't even be here to go through it with me.  If I'm going to do an iui, I want it to be because I'm comfortable with the choice, not because I'm scared.  If I do it only because I'm scared, that shows a lack of faith on my part, and that's not something I'm comfortable with.

3. If I'm going to do an iui, put myself through the cost, the medications, and the possibility of heartbreak, I want it to be because I have 100% faith that it could work.  Not necessarily that it will on try 1, but I want to give myself the best possible odds I can.  I don't think I'm at that point.  After my miscarriage, I was sad.  Out of control, inconsolably sad.  I don't know that I'd say I was depressed necessarily, but things were certainly heading in that direction.  I didn't know how to pull myself out of it.  And then I did, or God did I should say.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  I gave it to God, and somehow, someway, I began to heal.  But then.  Then, thing after thing after thing happened.  First it was endometriosis, then it was waiting, then it was surgery, then it was, then it was, then it was.  There.Was.Always.Something.  I put so much of myself into fertility treatments that I put nothing into myself.  While S was deployed, I spent a lot of time in the gym.  That all went away.  Now, I'm ready to fix that.  I feel 1,000% better mentally than I did at this time last year, and I'm ready to put time into me again.  To feel better, to be better.

So what comes next?  Honestly, I don't know.  I'm just really taking these next three weeks to focus on me.  To spend time on myself.  To get healthy.  To not focus on medications and shots and appointments.  We'll see where things stand next month, but for now, I'm just enjoying this.  Me.

I'm scared about the possibly of S deploying and still not being pregnant, but I have a feeling that if I get things in order health wise now, everything will fall into place later.  And in the mean time, I continue to trust that God's plan is greater than mine, and if I haven't gotten pregnant yet, it's for a reason.

Maybe I'll get pregnant this year, maybe I won't.  Either way, I'm choosing to trust and believe and have faith and be JOYFULin2015.